Cad bersus The Corg

Negotiations hab begorn weeth The Corg.

You sen' the Wooman. You ged the squeaky toy.

Forgheen' halfweets.

Chreestmas een Harlem

I yam sorrounded. There ees a man een thad house orp there! He ees MOBEEN' aroun' een hees room!!!

I yam NARD scared frarm the man, I yam scared he migh' loogh down y see me dressed orp lighe a forgheen' clown arn my terrace.

Happy forgheen' Chreestmas.

Gravitas

Prarblems.

I yam theenkeen' berber har'.

The Wooman deed nard retorn.

All day I yam lef' alone while the Smoothman worghs...

The Smoothman cannard starp eadeen' farndue.

A cad can only ead so moch cheese.

So I yam theenkeen'.

There can be only worn answer.

...

The Corg.

Agua.

Thees ees no way to leeb. I need an adeqhade watereen' hole'.

When are we goeen' home?

My new libe

I say to the Wooman: Wooman?

She say: Cad?

I say: When are we goeen' home?

She say: We are home, Storbie.

I say: No, we are nard.

She say: I know. Bod we mos 'stay here.

I say: Porquewhy? I meess the roop.

She say: I know, keedy, I meess eed too.

She say: Een the spreeng, eed weell be bedhair.

I say: Porquewhy?

She say: We weell seed ou'side more, y we weell fine' you a nice new borch larg to maghe scratcha.

I say: Oh.

....

I say: Are you sad?

She say: Yes.

I say: Me too.

Pee ess, I say: Theese ole chair you bough' ees forgheen' sleepery. Whad ees the beeg deal? I wan' a cashmere couch!

She say: We all wan' a cashmere couch Estorbo, now seed down y shorddop.

I say: I yam tryeen' to seed, bod I keep sleepeen' bagwar's.

She say: Then ged a greep.

I say: You ged a forgheen' greep. Eef I ged  a greep I weell maghe-a scratcha arn thees ole' forgheen chair y you weell shoud ad me. Again.

She say: Estorbo, you are high maintenance.

I say: Taghes worn to know worn.

She say: *&%%$* cad.

I say: &(^$&* Wooman.

...(to be carnteenued)

Harlem

Wha' the FORGHUE ees goeen' arn oud there????

Ees eed ober?

I was habeen' a bad dream. Dream' there was mobers. MEN. Trock. NOISE. MEN. Barxes. NOISE. Strangeplace.

Nigh'mare, yes?

Bad mobe

You paghed my streeng where???

We mos go north

The Wooman says my keettens wen' north. So we are goeen' north to fine' them. 

Eef the sky does nard fall arn my head, for's.

These chaos mos en':

My agua tasdes lighe sheet. Full ob dos'.

Ees there agua een Halem, or should I pagh extra meelk?

Always looseen' them...

I yam yos loogheen' por sormtheen I larst'...

Foun' them: my keetens!

Stress-relieb

Stress. Fors' she wash the sheeds, y I maghe nab arn the bed. Ber' nice.

Then she corm bag y she corber me orp. Porque? You waghe me orp!

Then. She push me eento new carryeen' case y tell me we are goeen' to the VED! AGAIN? 

Whad am I? Forgheen' lab rad? Eef they poghe me any more weeth needles I weell looogh como un yonkee. I though' I wen' to Riker's thyroid treadmen' so I no go to the ved no mas...

She say ees time por checkorp again y also she ees worry maybe I feel "nauseous" because I leeck my leeps, sometime'. 

I feel FINE, I shoud. I yos hab dry leeps.

I howl all the way down the stairs. Then we are ou'side, y I yam quied. Berber' quied.

She maghe me seaseeck. Bompabompabompa.

The again I see a new ved. Always new ved see me fors, before Dr Slade. The new ved say he lighe me. I no growl. I eep. He laugh. Cabron. The he taghe me away.

I doan' wnat to talgh abou deed.

Blord. Pee. Sonogram (free).

I yam back. Dr Slade taghe me oud of newforgheencarryeen'caseweethsheepskeen (NFCCWSS) and put me ORPSIDE DOWN anr his lab and KEESS me. Cowboy.

He say he ees berber' happy weeth me. My forr is good. Bod we mos' waid por tes' resolts.

The Smoothman. He help me forghed. 

Maybe he also when to ved y was torn' orpside down plos keess' arn head. 

My boogh pardy presen' ...

So the Wooman had thad pardy por the boogh, blablabla. 66 Square Feed - un Libe muy Deliciosa. 

Whadebber.

SO glad eed is ober. 

Drama queen.

Bod, bes' theen': she came home weeth geeft por me. Si. Porquewhyyyyyyyy? Because I yam the only reason she made soccess. Me. Don Estorbo de la Bodega Dominicana Hear Me Roar EEEEEEEEEEEEEEP.

Me.

Y sorm people are eentelleegent enorf to know thees.

Muchas gracias to Bicki y Pam, y Kim Abe - she made the scarp. Ees mine now.

Eed madges my gorgeous eyes yos righ'.

Speeleen' the beans

So I yam bag frarm rooftarp sorbeillance.

I yab spoghen to the wiki-sheep.

Ees parseeble I migh' yab to maghe a leagh: There are theens' goeen' arn orp there thad the worl' shou' know abou'.

Bod fors'. I need amnesty.

Who can guaran-forgheen'-tee my safedy?

The worl' was arn my shouldhairs

I yam theenkeen'.

Ees eed time to blow thees parp stan'?

(Or mos I yos steeck my peens een the globe?)

Whad ees blag y forry all ober?

Me!

I can be cude. Como un keetten. Sormtime's the yoomans yos cannard pud me down.

I yam requesteen' beeghair carmpensation por thees treadmen'.

Elevated threat level

Ladies and Gentleman, there has been a perimeter breach on the rooftop.

We can inform you that the threat has been contained. Our personel ...er felinel, are on the scene and the entire area is under surveillance.

Regarding what the Sheep said, however:

That's classified.

Talk to Mr Snowden.

Trap'

When I yam free...

I weel tell you whad the Sheep say' to me.

(Forghe.)

The eenformair

Do you wan' to know whad the sheep ees telleen' me?

...

Do you?

A new hord

Forgheen' micro caddle. So har' to see. Where deed they go?

My regular caddle are fire'. No good no mas. Weeth global warmeen' the hord change' y I could no larnger rope them. So I sweetch to new micro caddle.

Many, many, bod weeth mine's ob their own.

Where are they?

Too moch worgh

Ek is 'n kat.

Forgh. So tireen'. Lorneen' a new language...

The whide wheeskhair an' the forgheen barx

Pleease. Obserb my whide wheeskhair.

You see?

Ees stresswheeskair ob radioactebeedy in May.

Bod the Wooman say I mos' tell you, een case you do nard read my Fazebooogh page, I yam A-OK.

I yam officially cure' ob the typhoid.

I wen' por forgheen' blordtes' weeth Dr Slade y eberytheen' ees NORMAL. Eben my keedneys, whad maghe me dreenk mucho agua.

Yessep' I yab the whide stresswheeskhair.

Also, order news, the Wooman threw away, por ebber y ebber, my Onnatracteeb Grey Barx. Een the trash.

She say: Estorbo, you nebber hab to see thad theen' ebber again. Eed ees an abommeenation.

Een the Onnatracteeb Grey Barx I wen' to the harspeetal por the nuclear essplocion een my thyroid. Een the barx I was taghen orpstade to be eencarcerade' weeth gerbeel entertainmen' y 24 hour bideo sorbeillance.

Een the barx weeth taxi I came bag home.

Een the barx I wed my pants.

I nebber, ebber web my pands. Was terreeble.

I was wash' een the bath. I yos stood there een the warm wardhair while the Woooman clean me.

Forgheen' barx.

The barx ees dead.

Estorbo ees alibe.

Hear me roar: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!

De-wormeen' the sheep.

Leabeen' weeth libestarck ees nard easy.

Hey!

Hola?

Pappa?  I mean, Smoothman!

...

These sheep has WORMS!

I tole you.

The forr flew

I yam wornce more een carntrol ob thees blarg.

Eed was nard easy.

Eed was nard preedy.

I yad to do sorm beesnees weeth sorm formhair associade' frarm my deestan' pas'.

Also, I yad to call the fire depar'men'.

Bod Estorbo ees bag.

Poo to your strong cat tactics!

Estorbo. This is Maggie.

This is my fireside address:

Ted is still nursing some bent whiskers and a sore knee.

Yes. We did meet those "friends" of yours. From Colombia. Or was it Havana?

Frankly, that wasn't very nice. Not cricket, at all.

While we refuse to negotiate with terrorists, especially ones with thick accents and bad grammar, we have made one concession: The Woman looked cold in her tree so we moved her.

She is now in the chimney.

We have friends, too. We are Welsh, you know.

No, you probably don't.

Gutter cat.

Do not trifle with us

Estorbo.

The Man may have escaped our clutches.

But I have put the Woman where you can never reach her.

Resistance is Futile

Estorbo.

We are The Corg.

We have assimilated your humans.

Hey. Cat?

Estorbo.

This is Ted.

Just because I am a corgi does not mean I can't hack your so-called blog's password. Furball.

Your humans are here. With me. I have them. I am keeping them.

If you want, you can come, too. I will tolerate you.

Just stay out of my bed.

Fiesta, forebber!

The yoomans are leabeen'.

New yoomans are cormeen'.

I yam ready por them.

All nigh' larng...

Me, today

Freesky, como un keetten.

I yam feeleen' A-OK.

Ok!?

Why the beeg foss?

Wha' do you mean DOAN' lie een the faba beans?

Berber' nice bed.

Gracias.

I yam nard here...

I yam inbeeseeble.

Prodoction gleetch

I yab a prarblem.

Eef you hab nard receib a car' frarm the Wooman y me, ees because all car's are feeneesh! The new worns leeb een South Afreeca, where  a lady maghe them.

Pleease be patien'. I weell nebber forged you. The Wooman weell buy sorm more por me een two weeghs.

Atomeec Keedy - my beectory song

The Smoothman mixed por me a beectory song. Ees weeth Blondie.

Bod I yam Blackie.

Dayeen, dayoud

Las' nigh' I wen' to the roop weeth the Wooman. She foun' me sorm grass to ead.

She ees berber' orpserd weeth me, porquewhy? I yam nard hongry. I yam theen. Ber' theen. Ees nard obbioos een peecture.

I say, whad you esspeghd? I yab been, como si dices...TRAUMATISE'.

Forghe.

Radiation. Gerbeels. Cages. Cars. Sarleetary confinemen'. Peein' arn myselb een my onnatracteeb grey barx!

Ob course I doan' eed.

So last nigh she geeb me a peell! Anorder forgheen' peell.

Then, I begeen to ead a leedle. I theenk she ees geebeen' me Speed.

Today I ead two pequeno deeshes steak, worn pequeno deesh wedfood, ten leecks ob babyfood frarm hor han'. 20 cad treads.

She cancel appoin'men' to stay home weeth me.

I yam bein' smoth-hair'....