Egh tweet!

Escuse me, I have, egh-egh, bord flu. Egh, tweet.

Forgheen’ bord flu. Whad cad geds bord flu? You ebber seen a bord weeth cad flu? Tweet, miaow??? Heh? Heh? I deedn't theenk so.

Then again, German cads, you know sauerkraut...maybe their immune system nard so good. Oh, you doan’ know whad I'm talkeen’ aboud?...Read the paper, hokay? Hokay. Ees conspeeracy theory to make-a cads starp chaseen’ bords.

Jesus ees a bord (ees larng story). Man, an’ people chase heem, bod they doan’ caaaaaaatch heeeeeeem....Eed ees cold here. I mean forgheen freezeen’, man. Eef I go oud, my forr make-a like a freedge, my feed steeck to the roof. Do I ged any warm meelk to onfreeze me? No. I ged one, count weeth me, ONE shartglasspelleds and a lard ob water. Cold. Water.

Sheet, I yam so hongree. A leedle feesh soup, you would theenk, would nard be too moch trarble. A leedle cheese souffle, maybe, whad ees lighd an’ nutreetious. Bod no: pelleds. Sí, I mean, doan’ ged me wrong or nada, bod, you know....eed’s WEENTER, nard spreeng, WEENTER...comfort food, anybardy, hello?

Maybe I gard bord flu. Then I ged famous. Domeeneecan cad geds H5N1..2 3 4 5 6...heh heheh hehehhhh. Egh.

I tell you, I yam rambleen’, weak weeth honger. I see sparts. A mirage. No. no, eed’s...melted cheese! Before I faind send me news. Any, news.

Yours

Don Es, wasedeen’ away.....

Pee, ess: forgheen' spellcheck

Trabbed

Lighe a feesh een a basket. The Wooman has made booby trabs all around the terrace. One day thees trab weell be feelled weeth roses.

Hor cheateen' heart

Eed has corm to my attention thad the Wooman has lorbed an order cad een hor libe.

I yam so depress'...

Loogh ad thad cad. He ees so beeg, so manly, he has red collar, he looghs eentelleegent. He prorbably engineered thad trock she ees makeen'.

To theenk I was nard the fors'.

Sneeff.

Morneen', sneeffeen' the breeze, telleen' my cadneep to grow.

Allday, sleepeen' een the Wooman's cashmere sweathair, heheheh.

Nighd time, I patrol the roop, guard the house, loogh afthair the aeroplanes landeen' ad La Guardia, tell the cadneep to grow, led the moon maghe my for whide.

Roofcad

Heeeeere, Raccoon, raccoon, raccoon!

Bandiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiido?

Eet's spreeng! Corm oud an' play...

Who Ees thees Keeddy?

Foun' een Carble Heell.

Happee Borthday, Hermano!

Keess!

No, doan' theenk thad I, Don Estorbo de la Bodega Dominicana am jealous...No! Now I know you hab a strange leedle habeet. A troncated canine addeection.

We have peells for thad.

These was the photo Spook sen' me yesserday. I was goeen' to taghe streect aghsion, lighe sendeen' you some Chloroxbleach, bod then the Wooman tole' me eed was your borthday.

So yos reense well, OK? OK!

Words are nard enorf

Hello Estorbo

Andre Khamel here. Kehdi's brother, you know. You remember how I got my name? After the French attorney who was on your Woman's father's opposing side in a case. The Frenchman dragged the case on forever. He also lost. In gratitude, the Woman's father named me after him. That's when we were new. We are not so new anymore. We arrived when the Woman was singing. She sang and sang and sang. Boy, it hurt our ears. When she came back from the singing she was alone in the house with us while our people were in the game park. We drove her mad. We jumped everywhere. In her plate. Onto the table. Underneath her when she sat down. So she went away again and sang some more. We heard you bit her when she sang.

I am a pacifist, so I don't bite.

Here I am in the picture, getting to know your Hermano, Beence. He has a broad surface for sleeping on.

This case of course is getting out of hand, man. I have sent you pictures. So that you can see the d.o.g.s in their elements. Wide open spaces you know. The poor little buggers. They have no inner fire. It all has to come from the humans. We cats are content from the inside. The poor dogpersons have to lap it up from outside. My sister below, asks me to tell you that what she said about that Spookcat is true. Spook is bonkers, Estorbo. Don't be influenced by a blonde.

My sister Kehdi asked me to tell you about fish. Feesh. You see the Woman did try to get some for you at Kalk Bay from the fish wives...but you see the woman in the stripes? She was terrible. She complained about everything. She was English. Didn't like anything. Nothing good enough. Held up the works. Kept looking to the Woman for sympathy. The Woman pretended not to see. Long story, Stripes drove the other shoppers away. Even we, the Homecats, did not get fish.

Another matter is the one of the dogs. They always look so bloody cheerful. But examine the pictures, Estorbo and tell me if a lawsuit is warranted. I know that you live in America and that this is the way of things: When in doubt, sue. But remember, Don that we cats have a different law: When in doubt, wash.

Yours in fur

Andre Khamel

Pleease. My frien's. Porgeeb me for whad I yam abou' to show you. Thees are the peectures ob Khamel. They are...ob...d.a.r.g.s. Dargs arn my blarg.

Dargs een the grass.

Darg groupies goeen' ronneen'...

Dargs arn breedges.

Dargs arn the beach.

Een the woods!

Een the bamboo!

Dargs getteen' geefts. Dios mio.

Sweemeen'...

Getteen wed...

Getteen' SCOOPED!

OK. I ged your poin' Khamel. These dargs are too patheteec to barthair me. They hab no libes. To keep goeen' they hab to follow follow, siempre follow. Eef the yoomans no walk them they lie down and die.

No backbone.

I will settle oud ob court. The CATtorneys weell nard led me go empty-pawed.

The informant

Estawbo boy this is me Spook yes its Spook yes its me Spook Spook Spook I am Spook and I see everything They think I dont because Im old 108 cat years but some humans cant count no they cant count because I am 18 in their years but 108 is what I am because I am Spook yes Spook and Buli was right about how old I am and who is Buli she is a girl yes a clever one who can count cat years but...

um

Oh yes Estawbo boy I have information for you yes yes yes because Im Spook and I see things and I saw the DOGS Estawbo they went into depression why because your Wooman boy your Wooman and the smoothman left and the dogs lay down and didnt lift their heads Estawbo boy no they didnt why because those dogs boy they were taken on walks every day sometimes twice and they squeaked squeaky balls till my ears hurt oh boy this is Spook with white ears who hates squeak because they sounded like Minkey who used to terrify me under the bed with her stomping Abyssinian cat claws but Minkey is dead yes thank goodness for Spook who is relaxed now but not as relaxed as when she slept in the Woomans hair when she was a kitten yes Spook white kitten in the Womans red hair on the pillow in the mawning was a happy cat she is me Spook yes and the best and then Minkey the tiger came and the shadow came and I was angry till Minkey died and for two years after in case she came back yes they loved Minkey not now they must love me like my Pa he loves me...but

um

At night under the dinner table outside Estawbo boy the girl and boydog Maggie and Ted slept on the feet of the Woman and the smoothman and in the morning yes yes were at the bedroom door waiting for it to open every morning and laughing laughing if those humans even took one look at them this is Spook telling because I saw it I saw because I am Spook yes

um

And I am a fedondemand cat because I am old very old 108 years I am and beautiful with white fur because I drink milk yes white stuff to keep me white and I have almond-shaped eyes says my Pa who loves me yes and the Woman fed me every time she saw me on the kitchen table which was often yes Spook because I am thin and like to eat small dishes very often yes this is me me me Spook who has nightmares and starts to scream YOWYOWYOW while I am sleeping and dreaming about Minkey the Tiger who terrified my days and nights and who is not dead in my dreams no this is Spook who lives long long

um

The dogs the dogs the dogs Estawbo boy they LOVED the Woman and the smoothman who went walking on the mountain and on the beaches and the wet and dry places that dogs like and they came back with sand and mud and thirsty even though the humans took water for the dogs dumb dogs who dont use litter trays like me because I'm Spook yes Spook the white cat and the dogs poohed on the beaches and the mountain and in the greenbelt and had to be scooped Estawbo the Woman scooped the poo oh boy dogs not cats not cats every day in and out loving the dogs is my witness

Whide storff

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!!#^&&**!*!!!!!!!

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!

I am takeen' deparseetions frarm any cad thad ees acquainted weeth my pain an' sorfhaireen' while the Wooman was away. Eef anyone has any eenpormation abou' my seetuation or the Wooman's behabiour, pleease sen' affeedabeed.

estorboloco(at)gmail(dot)com