Thees ees nard righd...

Man pands. Wear them any way you lighe...

Muy caliente

Thees weeken' I was pass' oud. Global warmeen'. Ees cause-zed by too many dargs goeen' pantapantapanta. Ees bad air oud ob dargs. Steenks, too warm. Dargs mos be sweetch arff when nard een use.

My gard. Ad nighd I yam sleepeen arn the floor. Ees so hart een Nuebo York.

Cooles' place een the house. The Wooman refuse to sweetch arn cole' air barx, why? Porque she say hor roses weell ged fry ou'side weeth hart air frarm barx. She say we mos' waid onteel eed feeneesh makeen' flowers then mobe rose.

You're keelleen' me, I say.

Where can a cad ged a cole' dreenk aroun' here?

That's bedder. An' clean the bath. I wan' to see my wheeskers een the refleghtion.

The Objeghd

The Wooman broughd home a beeg green bomb-a.

She say, Thees ees deenner, Estorbo.

Reeally? I say. Cound me oud. I ain' no goad. Whad ees eed anyway?

Artechoghe, she say.

He deed, when? Thad ees terreeble! You deed hine'leeck manoubhair?

Eediot, she say. Eed's a vegetable.

Oh, I say.

Remine' me: Why are we habeen' thees conbersation??

I lorf leelies!

Leelies arribed frarm Washeenton stade.

Mine.

All mine.

You see the whides ob my eyes, Wooman? Wadge oud.

Oh deleecious.

Delighdful.

I yam een lorb.

We need a room.

Always stribeen'

...por more.

Are goeen' to ead thad? Are you? Can I? pleease, pleease, feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed me!

Peec: Beence

Are you goeen' to ead thad?

Are you? Are you?

Whad happen' to me?

Arn Satorday the Wooman found thees sore place arn my lefd arm, between wreest an' elbow.

Arn Mornday morneen' she saw me leeckeen' my righd arm, and she foun' essactly the same sore place between the wreest an' the elbow.

Two woun's, ditto, ditto.

She put arn deeseenfeghdand.

I'm telleen, you: sormbardy try' to nail me orp.


The horror, the horror...

My weegh

The Wooman kepd wabeen' hor arms and yelleen', NO! Estorbo, starp eadeen' my Japanese Reebbon Grass!

Porque, I as', sorprised. Eed tasdes como fresh feesh?

Eediot, she said.

Then worn day she came home weeth new grass, een two deeshes.

She put eed arn floor, and eentroduce me.

Cad? Grass. Grass? Cad.

Whad's your poin'? I asked.

Just ead eed, Estorbo she say, eempatient.

What. Ebber, I say.

Eed doan' loogh righd, I say.

Een faghd, Thar's bars een them thar heells, I say.

Eediot, she say.

Fas' forward. I'm lyeen' arn the bed. She looghs ad my claws.

Too larng, she say: time to cleap!

Oy, I say.

Are there no rules agains' theese? Eed's Easthair!

Bod she cleep' them anyway. Ees quide relaghseen', como Spa.

An Sornday they dress me orp weeth reebbon. Ees OK, I yam een torch with the parts I no longhair possess.

Are you loogheen' ad me? Are you loogheen' ad me. Are you loogheen' ad me???

Corm a leedle closehair...

Eed was esshausteen'. Pulleen and chaseen' reebon all day.

Pee Ess. Deed the Wooman tell you sormbardy try to crucify me thees weeken'?

Greener Pastures

The Wooman beeseeted my pooshair, Stewart, ad Union Square. He grows my cadgrass.

He ees there Mornday, Wednesday, Friday.

I gard grass!!!

I need grass!

Yesserday I sad arn whad use' to be my lawn arn the terrace. Ees pathedeec. Use' to be grass an' nice lime green plantas. Now ees cole' stones agains' my forry pearson. The Wooman says I mos' wade. Wade por the son an' the sommer. So I wade.

In the meantime I chew the new leabes ob hor Japanese grass. She geds mad. She say, You maghe thees grass ogly por lader, Estorbo! So buy me cadgrass, I soyyest, polideboice.

Fine. I weell go to farmairs' marghet tomorrow, she say.

Fine, I say. Go!

Here below ees me an' the Japanese grass las' sommer. See below my chair ees my lawn!

Attagh Cad!

Muchas gracias to Neko Y Marzipan, my CATtorneys por thees bideo...I theenk they are tryeen' to sen' me a messayge?

I was two, I mean twelb?

My blarg had a borthday.

The Wooman deed nard remine' me. My blarg ees older than the Wooman's blarg: she stole the idea frarm me.

Eed was Two arn the 12th ob March.

Here was my fors' pose'...

The bandido

...bedhair wadge oud when he waghes orp an' corms oud arn the roop again, because Counsel Marzipan ees arn the case. Porsueen' a legal alternateeb to the biolence I was so lookeen' forward to.

Ees Counsel eento barndage? Why ees she weareen' so moch hardware aroun' hor negh?

Preedy een peenk

The snaghe an' me are frien's again...

When the peenk snaghe attaghs...

Then I, Don Estorbo the Peenk Snaghe Slayhair, do the dance ob death!

The phonecall

The Wooman and the Hermano are talkeen' arn Skype an' she ees sayeen', Oh, I lorf you so moch, you are the man ob my dreams, lighe when I was a leedle gorl I would eemagine a cowboy cormeen' op to rescue me arn his blag an' whide horse, an' you are yos lighe heem, especial when you wear jeans, hmhmhm...

egh (hairball) ...

An' he say, You are the Wooman ob my dreams an' so wonnerful an BLA.B.L.A.B.L.A.

My Gard.

Escuse me, Hermano? I say, polidecuriousboice, eenteropteen' thees larng deestance lorf fest, bod:

Am I how you imagined me????

...

...silence frarm Canada.

Estorbo? he say...

Si! I reply, ears ready por the answer.

Um...are you how I imagined you? carnfusedyoomanboice.

Si, exacto! I say. Well, am I?????

Um....I deedn't eemageen you, Estorbo.


...

...

...


Estorbo?

Si..? I say, bersmallboice.

Estorbo, whad do you mean?

I mean, Am I the CAD OB YOUR DREAMS?????

....ah...er....um...

WELL??? desperadeboice...

A leedle fadder, a leedle blagger, a leedle more hairy, maybe? Whad? Whad? Whad??? - tellmeIcantagheead!

Estorbo!!!!!

You wor nard theenkeen' abou' me. You wor nard anteeceepateen' par' ownersheep een a cad como yo. You had no esspetations, no desire, no dreamcad.

Eenshort:

I do. nard. madhair.

ESTORBO! Snapoudobeed!

Oh. Reeally? I yam makeen' drama? Well, escyoo-o-o-o-ose me!

Estorbo?

Si? How do you lighe your new food?

Oh. Food. Ebo ees goo'. I doanlighe the dorck so moch. Cheecken an' torkey ees good. Beef ees good. The Wooman forgard to buy beeg sorply today. Tonighd I had to eat Heells sheet. Eed was goo' too. I reeally doan' care whad I ead. The Wooman care.

Bod I do wan' cheecken soup por my soul, lighe Ikaika.

Are you feelleen' bedhair Estorbo?

I yam fine, why?

Because...you know, the cad ob my dreams, an' so on?

I hab no idea whad you are talkeen' abou'...

...

You lighe cads...lighe...thad? I am so sharcked.

Estorbo!

Hermano? Thad ees...seeck!

...

Cleeck.