Freeeeeeeeeeeeedom!!!

I yam baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh! Sheet. Sheetsheetsheetsheetsheet! I had to ge' thad arf my chesd. Forgh. Sheet. Hombre!

Leesten: I deed nartheen' wrarng: fors' I help hor to waghe orp (she hades to waghe orp) een the morneen' by delicadely teareen' smallpiece paper eento shreds. She cannard stand eed. Fors' I hear hor boice: Estorbo, STOPPIT!! (she gard fonny aghsent). So I'm quied por one meenute. Then slowly, I go, reeeeeeeeeeeeep weeth my teeth to maghe nice larng teareen' noise. ESTORBO!! she shoud. Heheheheh. She carm oud ob room. I ron onder table. She mobe I mobe she no catcha me. She go bagh to bed. Reep Reep. Shred. Eed worgh almose' ebery time. She crack. I ged pelleds. Delicious, cronchee, golden, dayeendayoud pelleds. The only time I do nard try thees treegh ees when eed ees steell dark ou'side. Then she ged homicidal, man. I try it once, I lose two libes.

Then one nighd I breeng hor presen'! I yam so proud. I honted arn the rooftarps, I yomp through the door an' I poot ad hor feed, orpside-down so it cannard make escape, a beeg byoodeeful carckaroach.

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeugh, she cry. Arn the lightneen'-fas' prey whad I hab been stalkeen' por one hour, CRASH, come beeg book. Flad. Como un pancake. Yoomans. You do thees when order yooman geeb you preedy geef'? No!

Then, meedle ob week, ad nighd, she stard to make horselb all preedy, and smelly weeth the water she's sprayeen' arn horself, an' she wear EARREEN's. Bad sign. You going out? I ask, polite.
Yes, Estorbo, I'm going to a dinner party and I won't be back till late.
How lade? I ask, sweetly.
Estorbo, I don't know how late. Late.
Oh, I say. I was esspecteen' to spend some quality time togairder: I yab been home alone all day you know, waiteen' por you.
Oh Estorbo, please don't start thad again...
Hm, I say. I walk to the leeder barx and I pee. Berbery careful I pee all ober floor. I pee lighe a racehorse. Hor keys are een hor han' to go out. She see me. She say ESTORBO, what are you doing??!
Whad? I say. Oh. Oops, I meess. Accident. So sorry. She angry. Thad steenks, she says.
Yep, I say, you bairder clean eed orp or the whole house smell lighe CADS and people (like Company whad I know ees cormeen' ober tomorrow nighd) theenk you a crazy catwoman who eats catfood oud of cans and talks to horself.

She snabbed. Nex' theen' I know I come to the compudair to relade all thees theen's, an' ees PASSWOR' necessary por me to larg arn. I type hopefully, beetchfrarmhell , bod eed no work.

Sheet.

So. Para two days, three days? I say please, thank you, gracias, de nada, por favor, que linda, que guapa, senorita muy linda. I yam quied een the morneen, I hont no more, I take orp kneeteen', I wash the deeshes. And I won. She's ees readeen', neebleen' arn some cole' ribs she cooghed, and I said please? (smallboice) may I yab yos a leedle tase? Pleease? She crack, she geeb me smallbone to chew.

She say, I lorf you, cad.


So, to show my gratitude for the speakeen' terms I forgaird myself, retorn to my true nature an' go honteen' ou'side arn my rooftarps again. I catch hor anorder crackroach.

Eeeeugh, goes my meesers. Boom! goes a boogh weeth beegwords.

Squash goes my presen'!

The En'.

Time out

This is Estorbo's Missus. He can't come to the computer right now. His computer priviledges have been revoked temporarily following:

1. The early a.m. tearing up of yet another Netflix postage-paid return-envelope. This time the damage was so severe that no amount of sticky-tape could put Humpty together again and I had to wait for the next DVD so I could return two together, thus delaying the arrival of the otherwise ceaseless supply of movies by one day, necessitating the rental from a real shop of a movie one night and the subsequent (consequent, inevitable) incurring of the late-fees because I did not return it in time. (Mitigating factor: Nick, at Videofree Brooklyn, knocked a day off my fine. Thank you Nick. Eff you, Estorbo)

2. His persistent wake-up calls to me at obscene hours.

3. The bringing home last night of a live cockroach from the outside. I had to squash it with the Oxford Very Non-concise Dictionary, at 1am in the morning.

4. Foul and unprovoked language.

5. Deciding, in full view of me, in fact while holding my gaze, to pee outside of the litter tray, while sitting firmly in it, just as I was heading out the door to an Important Party, smelling of Chanel No. 19.

The Continueen' Story...

So after she has been theenkeen' my meesers tell Rose, OK, I taghe heem. The boyfrien' ob the Meesers, who ees Mexican, say, I yam nard loogheen' after no cad. Fine, she say.

So again I yam pood een the Onattracteev Grey Barx, arn the ferry, arn the sobway to Brookleen. We arribe ad the apartment (thees ees old place, nard where we are now). Rose an' hor daughter Dianna clime weeth the barx orp the stairs. The meesers an' the Mexican loogh through the bars ob the barx ad me. She open the gade an I crawl oud. Ees so embareseen'. I yab been een the barx so larng I pee. My Gard, the shame. The meesers go to the bathroom an' make warm water weeth flower-smells. She an' Dianna poot me een where I stan' lighe drowned rad and she wash me. Then she dry. I ron onder bed. I leeck myself por hours. Later I throw orp beeg forball. Thees ees nard geddeen' arf to a good start, says the Mexican.

Oh. I forghed: my name then ees nard Estorbo. Ees Midnight. Because I'm blagh, see?

One week I leeb onder bed. Then slowly I start to come oud when I see they nard so bad. Een the morneen' I stand een the bedroom door an' say EEEEEP, FFFFeed me! When the yoomans walk I walk een front an' then starp sodden. Then they fall. I waghe them at 3, 4, 5am. I yam so hongree. They throw peellows. I ron.

Ebentually the Mexican say, thees cad's name ees Estorbo. Obstacle.

Call me Feisal

Thees ees me onder the table arn the terrazza today. I was helpeen' my meesers ged eento hor boogh, Seben Peelaars ob Weesdom by TE Lawrence. I said I woul' be Feisel. You shoul' see my camel.

Anyway.

Por my blagh brorders een Cape Town: thees ees how I med the Wooman.

Een 2000 she had bad carf, an' she coul' nard seeng. So she go to plaze`call' Chelsea Garden Center een Eas' Billage an' work selleen' flowers and plantas. Arn the same day she ged there, een weenter ob March, I go straigh' to harspital. She no meed me. She yos hear thad the blagh cad whad work there to catch the rattones, get eenjored bad weeth broken jaw an' go to harspital after drageen' heemself bag behine' the cash registor, bleedeen' (you can heear the biolins, no?).

So. Time goes by. Teegh, teegh, teegh. The lady Rose, who taghe me to harsiptal', taghes me to hor house arn Staten Island to ged bairder after 6 weeks weeth my jaw wired shot. There I leeb een hor son' s room weeth rock posters arn the door thad I maghe eento shreds when I make-a scratcha. She say to people ad work, Who can taghe thees cad? Rose ees a bery kine' lady bod she an' hor hosban', who ees a Viednam ved, smoghe a lard ob part an' I yam geddeen' high every day. So my meesers say. I doan' need a cad. Ees too moch responsibilitee.

Rose essplain thad when I was a keetten hor frien' foun' me een a barx een a bodega arn the Lower Eas' Side. The frien' bought me, an' then she went away arn harliday an' ask Rose to babyseet me. She nebber came bagh. Rose's two cads yomped arn my head every day, an' she decided to breeng me to Chelsea to leeb een arfice an' catch the rattones, wheech I deed, lineen' them orp ebery morneen' een a row.

So my meesers leestens to the story an' after a weegh she say. OK, show me the cad. An' Rose breeng me frarm Staten Island een an Onattracteev Grey Barx, arn the ferry, arn the sobway, to 2nd Street een the Eas' Billage. She led me oud ob the barx een a little shed. I spread myselb oud arn the counter. My meesers carm an' loogh ad me. He has small head she says. I loogh at hor, She loogh ad me. She says I weell theenk. I theenk Rose ees mad because now she mos' carry me BAGH to Staten Island arn the sobway an' the ferry, to smoghe some more part.

I tell you the res' manana...

Gues' pose' Farm Trebor

Adho Mukha Svanasana - that's downward-facing *d*o*g* pose to some but us cats, we knowbetter (and would we ever use the *d*o*g* word??!!) . you are right Estorbo, we inVENTED yoga. thisis not PURRfek pose, tail shud be up strate but hey, a boy gets lazee some days.no insult Estorbo - we not know that there's no Haitch in spaneesh, so Lui /Oo-ee is veri OK, we only spikinginglish. That meesers, she must tell a cat when she's changing his email address, huh?? speshly whenhe has the new frenz.that bodega - um, you have the brothers or sisters there? me and huwi/ lui, we had 9, we only knowing2 now, they our brothers sollie and lennie (the lionhart) who live with their meesers in kent inna england.um, estorbo - you one of the other 7?? we think someone they steal you from big hows, put you inna pokit,get onna plane, go to lower east side, deliver you to bodega so yor nice meesers she can find you, yes?Pliz, what is bye in spaneesh?

[Thees me, Estorbo: bye ees Adios. Hey - thees ees creepee. Trebor loogh lighe me, steel. I theenk I yam your stolen brorder whad was put een parket an' smoggled. WHY deed they leave me een a barx een a bodega? I nebber knew my Marder...]

Gues' Pose' frarm the Cads weeth the Speghtacular Tails

Trevor and Huwi said...
ola esTORbo!we emailed you twice, our mesij came back, we emailed your meesers, the mesij came back - what IS this?? so we sending this to blarg.sori for bad name spelling. theze paws r for clawing and hunting, not yet evolvd for typin, we makin a mistakes. we r so HAPPI for seein ourselvs on yor blarg, we r so HAPPI for havin frend in brooklyn, nyc.you esTORbo, me huwi, not lui, si? (we learn spanish from you). is like HUGH MASEKELA of the trumpet. HUGH GRANT of the movies. HUGH-GO BOSS of the kloths. then you put ee. hugh - ee. like eet but no t. you can try? is not so hard, you ask yor meesers, she help, ok? if must be lui, must be lui, but you try little bit for huwi? is lui but with a H.what is gang colours? the bling (i am nard gay either, not that there is anything wrong with that) is name tag, is for gettin colla back when losin it (the colla). i losin it often, me a BIG!! night hunter. or if i losin myself, then there is the phone numba on the bling. once i lost myself long time, but that is big story, this is little mesij. summer i HUNT!! winter i SLEEP!! now is winter. here is my brother. bye estorbo.esTORbo, ola!! you like my tail! (but i am NARD GAY, see?) (not that there is anything wrong with that) we are looking like brothers! but no bodega on the lower east - we come from smart big hows in wandsworth, south london (england, not ontario). but, um - estorbo, how old are you if is not rude to ask? maybe someone steal you from wandsworth and take you to bodega? you have birthday? next month me and huwi/lui will be 8.what is bye in spanish?

Call me Zorro

I doan' know where to begeen. I eensolted my new frien's. Fors I mus' essplain my spelleen'. Ees my aghsent. I cannard say 'aitch' (H H H) soun'...Ees deefeecolt. H--H-H uii. H-H, cough. Een my language, ees pronounced, I - u- i (Lighe EE-OO EE?). My Gard. I yam essausted. I try. I try.

Secon'...I geeb my email address an' then I fine' oud my Meesers forgheen' change eed!!! Deed she as' me, deed she consul'?? No! porque why? Porque I yam a cad. Yos a cad. Do we nard share a compudair?

Whadebber.

I weell ged new email. Also the email por the Wooman is now marieyviljoen@yahoo.com. I weel carpy an pose' your comment een my blarg especial. My apologies.

Hey. Thees ees freaky. I weel be torneen' 8 een Augus' (approximadely)...

Don Estorbo della Bodega Dominicana

I yam not Estobor...whad ees thees?? Es-TOR- Bo! Eed means obstacle. Eempedeement. Theeng whad geds een the way. Ees a larng story. Maybe I wride eed arn blarg. Eed was een lairder to Beeg Blue a larng time ago...

My New Frien's

Thees ees Trebor: ees creepee: he look yos lighe me? Are you my brorder? Wor you born een a bodega arn the Lower Eas' Side? Man, you hab a goo' tail...ees how I tell the deeference between you an' your reeal brorder...he look a leedle como Simiwe, the lade-deparded cad of my Meesers' parents...

Iui. You hab a deefeecult name. Huwi. I cannard say thees. So you are Iui. I lighe the bleeng aroun' your neghe... Thees are your gang colours?

My Roots: I Lorf Mango

Are you goeen' to ead thad?

Leesten, eef I hab to helbh myself, I weell...

Gracias a dios! The Wooman seese cents and geeves me some mango. I lorf mango. Man. Eed remine's me ob my homelan'...I meess DR. The breezes, the palm trees. Treeps to Cuba an' Fidel's cad, Chavez. Man, I meess Chavez. Thad cad had some good cigars.

Whad Do You Mean Cads Hab No Esspression??

Ged thad camera oud ob my face. I weel keel you.

Ees thad your natural colour?

Cads eenbented yoga, man. Can you do thees?

Classeec Eiffel Tower poseetion. Can you do thees??

Talk to the paw, man.

Orlier she say to me, Estorbo? Si, I said. She said, Should I clean your claws again so you cannard re-eenfegd your sore cheen? Yes, I said, I mean, Si, go ahead: you wanna lose your arm, be my guesd, clean my claws, by all means...Can you tybhe weeth one hand?

Medication

I know there are goo' dhorbs somewhere een here por me. Eef the Wooman poots more storf arn my cheen I weel bide hor jogular een the night. The sheets won't be whide no more.

Ehhhh, si. Now I feel goo'. The horbs hab keecked een. The rose ees so peenk. I lighe peenk. No, I yam nard Gay. NARD thad there's anytheen' wrarng weeth thad! I yos lighe peenk, man. Eed's so...Peenk. I need to sleep.

Eed ees morneen' again! Loogh! The rose ees steell there. Eed ees peenk. I lighe peenk. Ees thad a bord?

Do You See Me Now?

Read below. Gracias.

Si. I yam the blag theen' faraway. I yam a roofcad. Cad ob the oberworld. Hey! You know Salbador Dali wrode lighe me, too? I had no idea. I am beesionary! Looghe:

"Biuer! Ai bring ou surrealism. Aulredi meni pipoul in Niu York jove bin infectid bai zi laifgiving and marvelos sors of surrealism."

S. D.

See? I yam a sorrealeest cad. Hey! I yab a peecture por you. Sheet. Eed's aborf me. Forgheen' blarg. I yab so leedle control.

My cheen ees sore. I make-a scratcha arn eed an eed bleed. The Wooman put arn some Hydrogen peroxide. Eed steeng. I cry. I hade my cheen. I theenk I hade the Wooman. No, I lorf hor. No, I hade hor. No... I yam asleep. How can I be asleep? I am typeen'! Bod I'm sleepeen'....zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Maybe she breeng me FEESH frarm Porl Oystair Bar tonighd. Hmm. Feeshsszzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

My Libe

Here I yam, keeng ob my terazza. Sorbeyeen' my terreetoree, hopeen' the Wooman weell leab me alone.

Ees my frien' Hugo. He ees a lion, bod I tell heem he loogh a beed forghed orp. He look more como a cow weeth bad hair.

Thees ees me thees morneen' weeth my medeeceen, grass. I yab a small badplace arn my cheen an' the Wooman has been robbeen' steenky storf arn my faze to maghe eed bairder. Thees morneen I scream when she try to cleep my claws so I doan' make-a scratcha arn my faze, and she say, Shshshshsh, Estorbo, the neighbours weell hear you. Yiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee, I scream, they SHOUL' dheear me, because you are abuseen' me!!!

Yoomans. No respeghd.

Sssssssh

Pleease. Go away. I yam sleepeen'. I ged no rest ad nighd. I mos keep my Meesers awaghe. Why? Porque? Because I yam a cad. I domesticaded myself man, doan' you read the papers?

Eeds a bad weegh por peds, man. RIP, Rufer. I know you wor a darg. Bod your people lorfed you man. Do you know they are borneen' a candle para you ad nighd? Goodnighd, Darg. You wor blag lighe me.