The Wooman

You're goeen' to wear thad oudfeed een porbleec?????????

My recession

I yam so depress'. I doan' know how to go arn. My libe ees a meaneengless boid. Oud, brief candle.

I was fired.

Me. Don Estorbo de la Bodega Dominicana. No larnger needed. The hours ob serbeece, the dedeecation, the moral suppor', the forry shouldhair to cry uporn.

Led go.

Peenk sleep.

Whad? You deed nard know I had a jarb? You are askeen' who fired me: a cad, who ees beeg an' blag an' has nard ebbhair mentioned gainful employmen'? Eed was een my carntraghd: doan' mention the djarb. Ees carnfeedential. My eyes only. Swallow the capsule eef they arresd me.

Fine. Okay. Led them corm afthair me. I yam goeen' onnergroun'. I hab dorn eed before an' I can do eed again. I maghe lighe smoghe an' deesappear: Poof!

Don Estobo walghes again.

OK. I tell you.

Eed was Chavez. My leeader. I was his righd han' cad. Eed was the only reason he coul' go arn so larng. He had me. I put een 60 hour weeghs, man, no obertime. Talghe abou' Unions...I gard no beneefeets.

When I yescabed frarm Cuba, Meester Chavez geeb me, El Negro, a home. Ees only time he and Fidel disagree: abou' me.

Why was I fired?

I fell asleep. He was arn radio. I was beside heem. He talghed an' talghed an talghed, como siempre. Eighd hours straighd. I started to sleeb. Ee' was yetlag. Worn weegh afthair the ved nightmare an' I was steell stress'...he tole' me to taghe anorder weegh to recorber bod I fel' eed was my duty to be ad his side. Ees only way he coul' talghe so long. I keep feedeen' heem lines. The boice was Chavez, bod the wor's wor Estorbo, all the forgheen' way.

Teell I fell asleep.

They coul' nard waghe me orp.

So they put me een a barx arn the neghs' plane to Brookleen. I been sleepeen' 3 days straighd. The Wooman gard polide node. Frarm Secred Serbeece, USA. Eef she wan' to be ceeteezen ob Yoonided Stades she mos' nard led the Blag Cad go back south. So she carnfeescade my passpaw'.

Bod ees nard necessary. Soon arribes the peenk sleep. Serbeeces no longer required. Apparently el Presidente has hired a Cheencheella cad whad stays awaghe por worn weeg straighd. Use' to worgh por wooman een Alaska.

I doan' know. What perpoos ees there een libe?

How can I go arn?

Dibine wrath

Where are my people?

I yam the Sheik ob the rooptarps!

My people are lade.

Always lade!

Do they nebber lorn?


So I weell drarp them.

Squeesh.

The fonnies

Muchas grazias to Oncle Reg een Paarl por the fonny peectures. Maybe you seen them already. Credeet to I Can Haz Cheez Borghair. Mosedly.

Worn weeg ladehair

I yam nard seeck. I yam bedhair.
I yam peeing como un champion.
I yam helpeen' the Wooman to carntrol las plantas.
I say to hor, Why do you buy las plantas eef they are so onruly?
I boughd you, deedn't I? she say, so sarcasteec.
Aghtuallee, I say, polideboiceonnertheceerconstances, I was free.
Hab you seen your ved's beell? she as'...
No I say, I hab nard. Whad ees your poin'?

Life ees bag to normal.

Dayeen, dayoud.

Whad am I talkeen' abou'?

Mi Hermano Beence made eed para mi.

You are whad you ead. An dreenk'...

The Wooman wen' oud thees morneen' and when she came bag yos ten meenutes lader she had anorder bag ob Heells Sheet:

She say, Estorbo, I belieb you steell hab some creestals een your bladhair whad are magheen' you onconfortable...an' thad maghes me onhappy an starps me frarm sleepeen'.

Oh, I say, tweetcheen' my tail.

She say, So I hab procured por you a bag ob Heells Sheet S/D para the deesolbeen' ob any creetstals you may hab een your bladhair.

Oh, I say. So feed me. Again ( I already had two breakfas' ob Heells Sheet C/D por maintaineen' goo' pH whad my Wooman says ees nard the poin', the poin ees deesolbeen' creestals whad esseest NOW. Dios mio).

Breeng eed arn, I say.

Oh my gard. Two bowls I eegnore. Tasdes como kaka. How low can you go? Thees ees the peets. I dreenk the wadhair she poots weeth them bod lose strength when I ged to the pelleds. Then she say, OK, you had wadhair, now I geeb you dry pelleds, lighe you lighe them...

OK, I say, I'll geeb eed a go. I lighe the soun' they maghe teenkleteenkle een my bowl. They remine me ob the good ole' days ob Heells Lighd. The besd: dayeen, dayoud. I doan' care whad by-prodocts an' cornmeal they hab een them: I lorb them: my for shines; my nose ees enchanted. Keep Ebo. I corm frarm the gotthair an' you know whad we ead there, doan' you?

You theenk maybe there ees a baby bandido arn the roop lighe Hallow een has arn the Mainlan', whad needs pelleds porr creestals...bandiiiiiiiiiiido???? Help?

So now tonighd I hab had two meals ob S/D ordure an' she ees happy. Weemen. An' I taghe the peells fouraday so nice frarm hor an' eben porr while she ees geebeen' them. Doan' as' me why. I'm weird. Day afthair manana the peells weell be feeneesh.

I yam peeing beddhair. I theenk the Heells Treeple Sheet food ees worgheen' already.

All because I deedn't dreenk enorf wadhair.

The Wooman ees tired. She say she stress abou' me. I tell hor thees weeken' ees larng, she mos' sleep. She tell me, Cad?

I say, Wooman?

She say, Eef you pee, I weell sleep, OK?

OK, I say. Eed's a deal.