The low down

I came home frarm the bed an' I was berbery tired. The Wooman say eed's stress. So I slepd an' slepd.

Then she say, Ees time for your peell.

Whad for? I say.

For your places where you LEECKED, she say.

Oh, I say, Fine. Geeb eed it to me. Anytheen' to ged oud ob thees short.

Gracias.

When weell I be bedhair?

The Wooman say, When you starp leeckeen'.

An' we doan' know whad maghes me leeck, do we? I as.

No, she say.

An' the bed doesn't know neither?

No, she says. But ad leas' now we know thad she doan' know an' thad we doan' know an' thad we weell prabably nebber know.

The bed lighed my short, I say.

I know, says the Wooman.

Thad bed ees OK, I say, eben though I make swipe ad hor when she tesd the size ob the collar to put arn my negh eef I doan' starp leeckeen' my tommy.

So you bedhair star leeckeen' your tommy, says the Wooman.

Si. I bedhair.

Bod the anteebioticas weell help, says the Wooman.

Why? I as'...

I hab no forgheen' idea, says the Wooman, They yos weell.

So I go to the roop, to theenk.

Who pud a FARM orp heer??? Eedeots. I weell pee een their tomatoes.

Bod I yam steell berbery sleepy. So I taghe a nab with the Smoothman.

Then I beg por snaghs. Bod NO Snaghs ees new rule, een case ob food allergy.

I yam tellen' you: I theenk I yam allergeec por mango. I lorb eed, an' the Wooman geeb me sorm every nighd.

No mas mango.

Life sorcks.

Weell someone pleease open the door!!! All thees talgh ob mango maghes me need my leedhair tray.

OK, I push eed.

I need to see a man abou' a burro...

Bye bye.

Eeep

I theenk I'm goeen' to be seeck.

Help me mamma Wooman!

Por favor?

The preesoner

Oh. Sheet.

I leecked wornce too often.

Don de la Depot

I was chilleen'...

Then was arribeen' thees BEEG, attracteeb BARX. Por me! says the Wooman.

No, I say, Por mi!!!

Ees frarm Halloween arn the mainlan'! I shoud. Open eed, I hab no opposable thormbs: loogh!


Heear ees ledhair: pleease read. Ees so educaded, Halloween.

He has no opposable thormbs, eith-hair.

Was eenside a beeg ceegar.

Que? I say, frarm Fidel, may-he-leab-forebber?

NO! Ees drorgs!!!!

Oh.

Oh oh oh....

Aiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii


...iiiii


...i

Pleease leab a messayge. Estorbo ees beesy.

Catio???!

Por favor...

I doan' wan' a catio. I yam nard a poossy. I yab cojones. Well, pood eed thees way:

Ad leas' I remembair my cojones.

I roam the roop. Free.

Bideen' the han' thad feeds

“You can get a dog to obey you even if you’re not particularly nice to it,” Lockwood told me. “With a cat you can be very nice, and it’s probably going to ignore you, and if you’re mean to it, it may retaliate.”

An' thad ees the truth!

NYTimes story abou' cruelty to aneemals.

Das Poot

I yam told than poot means paw een Afrikaans. When the Wooman speaghs Afrikaans eed sounds lighe people fighdeen'.

I yam so seeck of my red coad an' the orange short, I decide to pose' a peecture ob the beesneess en' ob my naked paw. I yam greepeen the table.

As my frien' and 'neep sopplier, Heem, woul' say: Hab you ebber really looghed ad your paw?

Tonighd the Wooman says to me, Estorbo?

I say, Wooman?

She say - Tonighd I med the Head ob the Cad Appreciation Society.

That's nice, I say: Show em the han' shaghe.

Whad han' shaghe? she says, eerreetable.

THE han' shaghe, I repead, polideboice.

There's no han' shaghe , you stupeed cad.

Thad's whad you theenk, I say. An' I know I yam blag bod you loogh como a part righ' now.

...

Hello? Wooman?

Eed's your aghsen', Estorbo. Sormtime' I fine' you har' to follow.

Tell me abou' deed, I say.

I yos deed, she say.

Gard. I roll my ojos.

Well, she says, to ged bag to the poin'...

You had a poin'? I ask...

Cad? She say - you wan' pelleds een the morneen' or nard, because I yam pearfectly capable ob depribeen' you ob sostenants!

Sure, I say, bod the Smoothman weell feed me.

Whadebber, she say. Can I feeneesh???

Por fabor, I say, I weesh you woul'. I need to wash my feed.

...I forgard whad I was goeen' to say.

Teepeecal. I doan' sorpose I cou' hab breakfas' now?

No. Eed's 1 am, Estorbo.

I yos thoughd I woul' as'. So, you goeen' to bed?

Yes, she say. Afthair I shower. You wan' to sleeb arn the bed?

I mighd...

I'll see you there, then.

Nard eef I see you for's...

Geeb eed orp, cad! Why mos' you always be so orbstrocteeb?

Hello? My name ees Estorbo? You change eed frarm Meednigh' por a reason?

I know, she says, the constan' carmbad ees yos exhausteen'.

So feed me.

No.

Thees coul' go arn all nigh'.

Fine. I'm goeen' to bed.

Fine.

Fine.

Whadebber.

Fine.

See you there.

OK.

"People often describe pets as undemanding and giving unconditional love, when the reality is that pets require a lot of time and attention, special foods and care.

[Who??? Me????]

They throw up on rugs [lalalalaaaaa], pee in the house [NEBBER!] and steal food from countertops [well, yos sausages...ees nard reeally food]. Yet we accept their flaws because we love them so much."

Yeah, righ'.

Whad your peds can teach you abou' your relationsheep...

Sheet.

Whad abou' whad we hab to put orp weeth.

Lighe forgheen' preppy orange polo shorts!!!!!

"When our pets make mistakes, we don’t take it personally and are quick to forgive. We give them the benefit of the doubt. Yet when our spouse does something wrong, we often react with anger and blame." Nuevo York Times...

These ees sheet! When I maghe a meestaghe I yam chase' aroun' an aroun' the house onteel I yam PANTEEN'.

An then she geebs the Smoothman a beeg, meady STEAGH!!!!

Th, I say: Th.

She bought me new food today. No mas cornmeal, lighe Ikaika said. Maybe I yam allegrgeec. Las' nighd I ondress' myselb oub the red coad and leeeeeeeeeeeeeeecked my shouldhair.

Today?

Well, you see my seetuation.

New food ees Ok: Pelleds. Meexed weeth ole' pelleds.

Dayeen.

Dayoud.