the bleckfootedefrican cat

this is me kehdi waiting for my ma two to come home from krismis i love ma one verri mush but i miss ma two who carries me on huh shoulduh everry morning an takes me for neps too everry aftuhnoon

i was sick a week ago an ma two took me to her flet an prayed me bettuh now i em not so wobbily but i was kwite wobbly before she prayed becaws i fell off the ledge where i like to sleep an hit my little head on the flaw an wobbled did i menshun i wobbled hey kwestion

i waitud an waitud on the doormet and marie found me an sed kehdi selina is not hyuh an i said you are a rockut signtust i no she is not hyuh but i wull wait

i em gettting old now an ma one two are verry wurried about me but what ken i do kwestion i still hev a lot to say an the utha day i tole the people how to make macaroni cheese but thets a long stori

don esboi seys there is a cat ikaika who likes me so he hes good taste an so hellow ikaika how are you kwestion

the end but not yet of me hey kwestion

heppi krismis from the dogs

krismis is exhawsting

we got bandanas from the levi staw in new yawk this is me maggie below my brother above wuth tung has no mannus

heppi krismis estawbo marie gave us the passwerd sorry for hecking

bye

Happy Chreestmas

Before the Yoomans wen' to buy me pelleds an' nebber came bag, they gabe me presen' frarm Beloeil, Queebeg, where the seester ob Beence leebs.

Eef they deed nard geeb me these treads, I woul' be starbeen' righd now.

I weesh my frien's happy Chreestmas weeth peeace an' lorf. We are preeveelaged to hab Yoomans (sometimes, forgh...) to loogh afthair os. We mos loog afthair the Yoomans and animales weeth no one to lorf them, too.

An' thad ees the las' time you weell cadge me sayeen' sormtheen' meaneenful, OK? OK!

Waiteen'

Where ees she? I though' she was goeen' oud to ged some mas pelleds...

Maybe eef I leab my tail lighe thees por larng enorf I weel cadge a feesh...

Sigh.

My Day

Fors' we had breakfas' een bed. Actually, I had breakfas' ad 4.55am. The Wooman was grompee because the neighbors downstair' had pardee lade. She was bedhair after I keess hor weeth my cole' wed nose.

Then I practees my braille. You never know when you weell meed a bline' person.

Then we play een the duvet while she ees doeen' laundry. Eed ees goo' place to hont the reebon weeth the forgheen' bell...

Then she coogh deener an' I tell hor she ees magneefecend, an' hope she geeb me smallbide ob porkcharp.

My gard. Tonighd the Man arribe. Where weell he sleep? There ees no spaze por three een the bed. I know, we try before.

Floor ees good, no?

Cothbairt, R.I.P. [Beeg meestaghe]

I deed nard chegh my mail por too larng:

Arn Novembhair thortieth, my friend' Cothbairt, brorder of Clarence, pass' away een Eenglan'. He was only eighd. He was a byoodeeful cad. He gard the cancer ob the keedney. Poor Clarence an' their Wooman are berbery sad.

I yam berbery sad, too.

Ed 12/17/08: I yam crazy. Cothbairt ees alibe! Clarence has passed! Trudy showed me my meestaghe! The keeng ees dead. Long leeb the keeng. I hab gained an' larst a friend. My beeg apologies, Diane...

Speedy 'Storbito

La la laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

[Por essplanation pleease regard bideo. An' please, leesten while you read. Ees eemportant. Ees my song. Essept the Wooman an' Beence say thad Speedy Gonzales ees Bushytail Gonzales an' ees raccoon. An' I yam Dominican, nard Mexican...]



So.

Where hab I been? you as'...

The Wooman has been oud ob eed. I mean deestraghded dos nard eben beegeen to describe eed.

Fors' there are these beecious rumours thad she ees leabeen' me with STRANGEHAIRS por two mornths. I doan' belieb eed. I hab nard eben seen a suitcase. No, she ees worka worka worka ebery day eben weeken's. I yam negleghted. The house ees negleghted. I was attaghed een my sleep by a dos' bonny.

The dos' bonny was negleghted.

So I say to hor. Eenorf ees eenorf. I yam goeen' to clean the bathroom. I hab certain standards. I yam a cad.

My gard.

Where do I begeen?

Ess-cuse me: you loogh ad me weeth straighdfaze an' tell me you cleaned thees place las' week? When las' deed you scrob thees bath?

You realize you need new caulkeen' een the cornhair?

Do I gard a few theen's to tell you!

Seet down. Pour yourself a dreenk. You gonna need eed.

Cad House arn the Keengs

My Gard. Who cleans orp???

I yam an only cad. Whad woul' eed be lighe to hab 699 brorders an' seesters???
You see these are happy cads. Why? Because their tails are straighd orp een the air.

Cleeck here to read more abou' the lady whad looghs after so many cads an eben d.a.r.g.s...

Chinatown Story

Frarm NYTimes Metrarparleetan Diary

Dear Diary:

Most mornings before work, my dog, Mooshi, and I stroll through Columbus Park in Chinatown. Recently, a group of men were playing Hacky Sack there. Mooshi, who is used to seeing elderly Chinese men performing tai chi, was intrigued by this new game, and kept staring at the men.

But it wasn’t the Hacky Sackers who had caught Mooshi’s attention: it was the little white rabbit chewing the grass next to them. As a native New Yorker, I’m not surprised by the unusual, but a rabbit? In Chinatown?

Mooshi ran toward the unknown creature, barking. Soon, a shirtless and muscular Hacky Sacker jogged toward us. I assumed he wanted to know why Mooshi was barking in their direction, or maybe he wanted to share a laugh about the rabbit.

Instead, he stopped a few inches away from me and, with a stern face, looking me straight in the eyes, said, “Get your dog away from my bunny!”

Lillian Baharestani

Wired cad

Me, By Ereec

Dude: I'm geddeen' a Dell?????

Feesh no mas

Weetneess: the las' sardines I weel ebber ead, EBBER, oud ob a can slash teen.

The Wooma said BEEG TREAD, Estorbo, you're geddeen' sardines een arleeb oil to help your digestion whad ees a leedle...slow.

Yom! I said.

I tasde. I leeck the oil. I ead halb the feesh. I stare ad eed. I walgh aroun' the plade whad Ambrose, my deear deparded frien' sen' to me. I stare. I sigh.

I star' to corber orp the plade weeth imaginary san': scrape, scrape, scrape. Eef my enemies smell thees they weel fine' me. I mos' hide eed.

Scrape, scrape. I torn my bag arn eed an' walgh away, deegneefy'.

Estorbo? Que paso? she says. Those wor eemported Portuguese sardines!?

YOU ead them, I soyyest. She deed. Frarm the can nard my plade, whad was buried onder the sand.

They tasted fine' she say.

Whad. Ebber. I say.

Those sardines can keess my tail, I say.

Estorbo, you're weird, she says.

You can talgh, I say. Who's talkeen' to themselbes?

Woul' you lighe sorm pelleds, she as'.

WOUL' I LIGHE SORM PELLEDS?

Breeng them arn, I shout!

Teenkleteenkleteenkle eento my deesh whad deeardedepartedAmbrose sen' me. She adds water, como siempre, por my keedneys.

I dance arn my hine'legs.

She puts eed down.

I ead. I dreenk! Thees ees Paradise.

Dayeen.

Dayoud.

Dayeen dayoud

Hello Wooman.

Eed's OK por you to loog ad me weeth adoration, bod mos' you poin' thad theen' ad me? Eed cleecks. I hade cleecks.


Ees thad nard the same camera I toogh care ob a weegh or so ago? Een thees ber' same spart?

Eed ees...

Ah si, I see thad the shorthair woan' close so goo'. Weell you sen' eed to be feexed? No...Beence has boughd you a new camera weeth eemprobed macro feature?

I see [polideboice]. Thad's nice. Does thad mean you weell be takeen' peectures of the berbery small hairs eenside my nose een the near future?

I can' waid to maghe eeds acquaintance.

KERPOW!

Remine' you ob sormtheen'?

Corm closer leedle gorl...Whad beeg eyes you gard.

SHAZZAMSWOT!

Sheet. Meessed.

Sigh.

You're treemeen' my claws manana?

Whyporque? I was yos playeen'....

Corm yos a leedle closer...

Cad's eyes

Ebery mobe you maghe...I yam watcheen' you.

Rooscapedes

Who says I doan' hab a waist?

The Wooman ees goeen' to cheat arn me...

Weeth Khedi the blagfootedafricancat. And Andre Khamel (below), Khedi's brorder.

An' Spook, who ees allowed arn the table neear food! She ees the faboureed ob the Boss.

An' the hairy Maine Coon, Welleengton, whom eberybardy calls Thad Cad. Has Thad Cad caught a bord? Thad Cad ees bad: close the weendows so he cannard go out...There ees a rad een the garden? Poot Thad Cad oud so he can cadge eed!

An'...DA.R.G.S. Thees peeg ees Ted.

An' hees seester, Maggie.

An' their Oncle, the faboureet ob the Wooman, eef you can belieb eed, Ben. Dumb darg, fetcheen' seaweed...

You see whad I mos' soffhair?

Hello?

Groun' Carntrol to the Woo-man: taghe your protein peells an' put your helmet arn.

Commenceen' countdown, enjeens arn.

Chegh eegneetion an' my gard's lorf be weeth you.

Thees ees Groun' Carntrol to the Woo-man! You've reeally made the grade. An' the papers wan' to know whose shorts you wear.

Now eed's time to leeb the capsule eef you dare.

...

....

Hello?

!

Doan' slam the door ob the capsule!

No!

The d.a.r.g. ees there por scienteefeec porpoises: doan' keeck eed oud! Eed has no space suit!

Your circuit's dead, there's sormtheen' wrarng! Can you heear me, Woo-man? Can you heear me Wooman?

Can you heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee....eeeeee....eear me?

Self medeecation

The Wooman ees geebeen' me a headache: she ees selleen' me to the highes' beedhair. So I weell chew hor Japonese reebbon grass onteell the cares ob the world are bod a deem memory. Por dessert I weell eed whad ees lefd ob the cadneep arn the terrace. May an' June are bod a deestan' memory. Weenter ees cormeen'. Weenter ees uporn me.

Where ees she goeen'? When weell she corm bag? Why does she leab me?

Open letter

Gracias to Chreesee, een Cape Town.

The following was found posted very low on a refrigerator door.

Dear Dogs and Cats:

The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort, however. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine/feline attendance is not required.

The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the front door:

TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:

(1) They live here. You don't.
(2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'-niture.
(3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
(4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.

Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they
(1) eat less,
(2) don't ask for money all the time,
(3) are easier to train,
(4) normally come when called,
(5) never ask to drive the car,
(6) don't hang out with drug-using people;
(7) don't smoke or drink,
(8) don't want to wear your clothes,
(9) don't have to buy the latest fashions,
(10) don't need a gazillion dollars for college and
(11) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children ...

Keeller keeddee

Weeth thanks to Oncle Reg an' the Cape Geengers een Paarl por thees veedeo...

Where are my dineros?

You toogh my morney away, Wooman...

Why?

I need eed.

Whad?

You need these plans?

Bod they are where my morney was seetteen'...

These plans are eemportant? Porque?

I should ged orp?

Whyporque?

You are draween' a garden? I doan' see no garden...

Maybe eef you geeb my morney bag I weel geeb you the plans?

Thad ees nard a nice way to speak to a cad.



I yam stayeen'.

You feegure eed oud.

Organize yourselb.

Worn down, worn to go!

Yes, folks! Yes! I weel leeb weeth Meester Sheffield een the Financial Deestreect por Worn Mornth, starteen' meed January.

Now do I hab any takehairs por the fors' mornth, starteen' meed Decembhair???

Four weeghs ob blag cad lorf, weet, weesdom an' meenksarft for to stroghe teel I porr. A readymade hartwater barttle an' feline councellor. Four weeghs, een short, weeth me!

Muchas gracias to the yooman ob Hallow-een por setteen' os orp.

More! More!

Notice the Wooman ees takeen' peectures. The camera ees leempeen' a leedle an' needs painkeellhairs, bod eed can still taghe peectures.

I can't leab it!

I nebber knew...Now I know. I hab $60 in change. An' I weel seet arn eed onteell eet hatches. The Wooman ees habandoneen' me, an' I mos' pay por sleepeen' een a flarphouse.