Squeerel patrol

Eef I keep my head low he woand see me..eet's the 9.45am squeerel, como clarckwork...

Cads from the Boland

The Patriot Streed Gang:

[Frarm Oncle Reg een Paarl:] Ginger, our street-wise traffic warden, Rube our somewhat "thick" cat and Rick, an inveterate bird watcher who takes his job to heart (stomach) by ensuring the survival of the fittest.

Muchachos, you geeb We Three Cads a Ron por their money... you shoul' star' your own winelan' blarg...

BTW Rube...eef you're nard the brighdes' you're the bes' lookeen'.

Pee Ess: por prorgress arn Mamacita checgh oud her lades' pose' an' YouTube bideo arn hor blarg...Hor ved's beells mos' be crazee.

The face ob a a cad who needs feesh

[smallboice: Am I dosty? I theenk I'm dosty...]

The Horror! The Horror!

You know I lighe feesh, righd? You know I'm always askeen' por feesh, yes? You know I onlee ged feesh por my borthday, si?

So. Today the Wooman corms home. Hello Meester Keetten, she say.

Hello Wooman, I say.

Loogh whad I gard por you! she say

Oh? I say.

Yes! she say. Today a geef' basket arribe ad work, wheech ees almose' beeger than thees apar'men', an' een eed ees all these treads, lighe chocolades...

...you' doan' ead chocolades, I say.

I know, she say, Bo' thees ees abou' you, nard me.

Como? I question.

Yes, she say...I brough' por you....

You see, she bagtragh. Een the basket was also theengs lighe crackhairs.

You lighe crackhairs, I say, especially weeth cheese.

Yes, she say, bod nard theeze.

Oh? I question.

Si, she say, Theeze ha' donproponouncable presorbateebs een them.

You no ead presorbateebs, I say.

Ees corregd, she say.

OK. I say. Can we ged bag to me?

Yes! She say. So:

So: I say

Yes, so...I brough' por you [thad's me, the cad Estorbo], a geeft.

Oh? I question.

Yes! she say.





FEESH!!!!




My gard. I was nard esspecteen' thees.

She show me. Small packayge. Preedy (attracteeb) barx ob wile' - WILE' - salmon. [Dreamy boice:]...Once I had wile' salmon. Bagh een the day, arn Fladboosh. Eed carst more than the month's rend. Eed was deleecious.

Wile salon! I scream, yompeen' orp to loogh ad the barx...

Yes, she say, ees smallpiece, all por you.

Wow.

She taghe eed ou' dob barx. Eed ees smoghe' salmon eenside een foil packayge. I yam waideen'. She ees readeen' package. Thad's yos plain wrarng! she say: How can sometheen' be good onteel 2013?

She open packayge. I maghe a feeshdance.

She taghe smallpiece and tasde.

She swallow. She say.

No.

No.....? Whad you mean, NO???

No, she say, hm-mm, I yam nard feedeen thees to my cad.

I yam nard your cad, I say, I am DON Estorbo della Bodega Domincanaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

No. She say, and throw eed away.

Een. The. Been.

There ees no place por my eyes to go. They cannard steek oud any forder. I yam...como se llama... Appalled!

Sorry cad, she say. Really: I yam sorry

Chreestmas.

Can Someone Help Mamacita?

Cleeck here to see Mamacita's blarg. Eed ees new an' she ees a seeck keedy. Maybe you know someone een Nueva York who can adarpt hor...

Where ees the peeg?

She poot the peeg een a bag...

Geeb me the peeg!

Yesserday eet was there: onder the blanghet an' the coat.

I meess the pig. Eet was warm, an' smelled goo'...

Maybe eef I see' tarn the coa' eet weel corm bagh?

Call me meenky.

Pee Ess: eef you hab no idea whad the peeg ees, read the Wooman's blordee blarg.

Imran ees Free!

Now he mos yos ead his sardines...

Cabeen Feebhair

Today when the Wooman came home she open' the slideen' door. Ees ard easy. Door ees stork. She ged eed open an' I say, Chaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarge!

My Gard. I hab been short orp por three days, man. Eed sorks, beegtime. The trees hab changed colour, the drorgs smell deefferen'...I need to keep tragh ob thees theen's.


...

And, I need to make-a scratcha! I weel keel thees larg, I weel keel eet, I weel keel eet!

Ees dark orlee. Ees cole', too.

Bod. There ees a peeg. Een a blanket...

Yoomans

I stole thees frarm Brigitte's Blarg. We doan' know who toogh the peecture.

Weenter

I theenk weenter ees cormeen'. Please loogh ad leest ob theengs I hade arn sidebar. The slideen' door geds close' por the cole' air. I seet arn the daybed an' loogh cude, so the Wooman puts hor swairthair arn me. I loogh more cude. I yam yos cold. Een weenter she goes away por a larng time. She corms bag brown and smelleen' lighe order cads an' strange grasses. I weel leeb weeth Paulo who says his apar'men' hab rattones. So he wan' to me to maghe patrol an' scare them. Scare them. I weel ead them.

Pee Ess. Please FedEx your hairballs to me an' I forwar' to Pakeestan'. Gracias.

Pee Pee Ess. Sen' sardines to me.

Miaow-Oud

I woul' lighe to geeb a miaow-oud to Mees Heather ad New York Shitty, who gabe a miaow-oud to Lisacad...and include thees leenk to the Story ob The Queensboro Breedge Keetten.

Si, I stole the peecture. Thees blarg-speagh and etiquedde ees esshausteen', man.

(photo: Lisa Vallez)

Texas, home ob Meester Boosh, shoots a Keetty

OK. I lorf bords. They fly, they tasde goo'...bod the only bords I see are peegeons. Rattons weeth weengs, essept por Jesus.

My Meesers read thees story to me, an' I was lighe, Oh my Gard, they shoot the Poossy??? They mos' go to jail! Then she essplain that the keetty was catcheen' the smallbords thad are dangerous. Sorry...Hendangered. Que? I said. No mas smallbords one day, she hesplained. Oh, I said, thad's bad. No more snags. Tase' como cheeps, I theenk. Flyeen' cheeps. Cheeps that cheep. Heheh. Barbecue flabour een Texas?

Whadebber, she said.

So ees eenteresteen'. Who ees righd, who ees wrarng? She deed say she woul' keel someone who shood me.

Thanks, I said, I yam so comfortaid.

Led Imran Go!!!

Lo siento por the poleeteecal eenterroption, bod I hab to say, they hab arrested my hero een Pakeestan. Ex-captain ob the Pakeestani Creecket Team, an' now arposseetion poleeteecian, Imran Khan. He ees my brorder, you see we hab the same profile.

A plague ob mice uparn Musharraf.

Led Imran Go!!!

Traineen' the Yooman

Read aboud Sargen' Parge, een Eenglan'...

I onnestan' heem. Eed's all abou' SARDINES!

Gracias to the Meesers of Trebor an H-h-h-huwi por the leenk...

My Peeps

My man Trebor...Hey Trebor, you been tannin' een Kalk Bay?? You brown, man! Also, sorry, you landed een Spam barx! I feeshed you oud today. I said to spam feelter, No es spam!



OK! Ad las'. I knew eed. Eed was yos a madder ob time. Thees ees Geenga. Hor seester Nona says Geenga ees a beesh. Loogh down there. There ees Nona.

Groupies!

They hab crosh arn me. Crosh me, keeties, I can taghe eed!

Ohio...tell your Meester to led you oud ob house, man! Ad fors you weel wan' to ron, bod he mos' led you oud when eed ees time for deener, so you have moch honger. Then he call you weeth food. Or, FEESH! Then you carm bagh. Also to put bodder arn feet.

Noo Loogh

Escuse me, I need a bath. Thees ees where I seet when the wooman maghes the Hoobereen'. I hade eed. Eed ees a marnster weeth a lighd ad the fron' an' a noise lighe the Cad ob Death, weeth growleen' an' screameen' an' sorkeen' ad the kilim. She say eed ees for remobeen' dos', bod I say eed ees for cadgeen' blagh cads an' eempreesoneen' them een the bagh eenside.

So you lighe my blarg's noo loogh? I am a blagh cad. Nard a green cad.

A Messayge

...for the Carnstrarction Worghairs

Keess. My. Ass.

Me an' Jesus

Thees morneen’ I yam eadeen’ my pelleds. Cronchee, golden, deleecious. I look orp ad the weendow, an’ whad I see? A bord , a forgheen' peegeeon, walkeen’ acrars the grabble arn the terrace to the weendow. He see me ronneen’, rosheen’ to heem, an’ he keep walkeen’, walkeen’... he is SMILEEN’ and walkeen’ and I yam rosheen’ and rosheen’ an he ees walkeen’, smileen’.

Who ees thees bord, I cry, an’ then I know the answer. Thees bord’s name ees Jesus (prounced como en Español, pleease: Hay-zoos, hokay? Hokay). I know thees bord ees Jesus because he ees walkeen’ eento the den ob Don Estorbo della Bodega Dominicana an’ he does nard geeb a sheet.

I look at heem. He look ad me. The Wooman open the door an’ say, Jesus, you waar arn the wrarng terrace. An’ Jesus look ad hor an’ say, Bod I yam hongree, an’ she ees holdeen’ me tighd an’ I yam stareen’ at heem weeth my mouth open an’ she geeb him granola an’ he ead an’ then he want to WALGH EEN THE HOUSE!!! He has reebons arn hees feed an’ also a halo. Then he walgh oud again.

Then she close the door an’ Jesus look ad me por five minutes an’ then walk slow away an’ look onemoretime ober hees shoulder an’ then fly slow away, y I tell you I yam sorree por all the bad wor’s I yab ebber said an’ I weel nebber ebber keeck my leeder oud ob the tray again por the Wooman to brosh orp. Madre de Jesus...

So now I know there ees a gard y my Meesers says he leebs down the blark arn the roop. So. There ead ees. I yam a cattoleec again.

My salutations an’ blesseen’s. May the peas ob the worl’ be weeth you,

Padre Estorbo

My Libe arn the Terrace

The lanlor' ees goin to keell the terrace becos frarm leaghs he nebber feexed proper before. Thees means Men een Boods. Carnstraction worghairs. Hell. I weell ron, I weell hide. Las' time I disappear por 24 hours an' the Wooman had to make rescue frarm abandon' beeldeen down the blarck. She carry me oud ob 4th floor arn rosty fire escabe weeth me arn shoulder. Berbery essiteen'...

So here ees me arn my terrace. Sheet.


Hmm, smells good....

Drorgs een spreeng are the bes'.

Roofcad.

Me arn my carpet.

I doan wan thees sheep arn my terrace!

Can you see me now?

Call me Feisal...
August: ees forgheen hart, man.

Happy borthday to me...

Whad??

Thees ees a yongle!

Sheet!

Ok, when's the party starteen'?

Whad the forgh ees oud there?????

Led me een!!!!

Led me oud!!!!

The Keeng.

The High Libe

What ees thees sheet arn my landeen' pad???

My Gard, bod I yam a fine specimen ob a cad....

The drorgs...

She's bagh! Again. Sigh.

Sheet.

She carm home after bein' away for fibe meellion yors an' the secon' theen' she do after cleaneen' my leeder tray ees poot that leequeed sheet arn my negh becos frarm fleas, I mean, ...peds. Himmedaidely I feel seeck an' try to ron frarm myself an' then crouch as close to hor when she sleeps, as parsible. Thees morneen' I steel feel como excrement an nex' bes' ees besi'e the compudair, where she seems to leeb, anyway.

Oh, and Pee Ess:

Beence?

Are you my daddy now?

Thees ees me. Ees eed you?