Man cad

I lighe the Smoothman. He nebber geebs me bagchad. Nebber lighe the Wooman: yadadadadadablablabla.

SILENCE, Wooman!

Eep. Always the eenstrorctions, always the rules, always the ideas. Can you nard be a leedle beed Zen?

Zen, whad ees thees? says the Wooman

Eed's como Leddeen' Go! I say

Bod eef you led go, Estorbo, she says, everytheen' falls down an' maghes a beeg mess.

Sigh.

Always you mos' tab an answer.

Can you led go of pelleds, Estorbo? she asks. Deed the fibe days een the copboard teach you northeen?

Si, I say, The fibe days een the copboar' weeth the bag ob pelleds taugh' how nice SILENCE ees. Also thad pelleds are golden, cronchy, deleecious, fragran', perfecdly roun', creespy, Dayeen, Dayoud!

Then why deed you beg your suppawrters to free you frarm the copboard? she say.

Because I coul' nard maghe stretcha eenside the copboar'!

Lighe thees!

Thees ees the en' my frien'...

Nuevo York ees waideen' por beeg storm. Mucha lluvia. I yam waideen'.

I yam goeen' to drown the raccoon. I heear he lighe agua. He weel corm to wash hees leedle bandido paws een the pordle arn Raccoon House roop. I weell make-a yompa frarm behine'. I weell push his faze eento the poddle.

I weell defead heem!!! The soun' ob the rain weel drown the death stroggle.

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!

Oud ob the clarset ad las'

Eed was so terreeble. Fibe days een the clarset weeth northeen' bod a bag of pelleds, sorm papehair towels an' the dreepeen' agua frarm the keetchen seenk.

Thanks to you the Wooman gard the messayge an' was force' to release me.

Why, whyyyyy why porquewhy you deed thees to me? I as' hor, weepeen' yos a leedle.

To teach you a lesson, cad.

WHAD lesson???

Thad there ees more to libe than yos pelleds, she say.

Onbeliebable.

I was so traumatize' I wen' to bed immediate'.

 

I had to sleeb por a larng larng time. Was no space een the clarset to make-a stredge.

 

Enorf weeth the camera, already!

Go. Ay-way!

 Then I wen' to the terrace to maghe sorm sparghs.

 

Ahhhrghngnggag, grass, nomnom.

Maybe I leab grass parcel arn hor peellow?

"There ees more to libe than yos pelleds."

Can you beleeb thees?

ESSE O ESSE

Weell sormworn pleease tell the Wooman I yam storck een the clarsed an' cannard ged oud?

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep?

Don Estorbo

Sent frarm my iPawd, beta bersion.

(Eed can sen' email bord eed cannard open the forgheen' clarsed frarm the eenside...I call the poh-leece bod they theenk I yam a crank: Whad,  you are a cad, an' you are trabbed een the clarsed, an you doan' know your "Wooman's" telephone nombre...? Jaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaajajajajajajaja. Cleeck.)

Bloghair maghe-a me crazee!

I am so mad! I yos reply personal to all your carmends arn TWO posesds an bloghair made my replies deesappear! I yam goeen' loco, forgheen' bloghair.

I can't do eed again. I yam sorry! I yam so fain' weeth hongair I mos hab a snag ad wornce. My blord sugar ees low.

Grazias to eberyworn por the carmends, an' also especial to sorm new cads - booghstore cads, 9lb cad, you know who you are, ok? OK!

Orpdate: &*^^$#eeeeeep. I rescue' the carmend frarm my gmail. You can fine' my reply to My Nighd een those carmends, OK? The order reply ees last, garn porebber. Garn, deesappear, yos lighe my keettens.

Momofuku cad

I need my bonny...

I yad a berber' bad dream. Nighd. Mare.

Ad fors' eed ees good. I dream I yam ad Momofuku an' there ees thees wonnerful platt-hair ob cheecken weengs. I yam so essited to be eadeen' thees special or-dair whad ees usually por the whole table, an' eed ees yos me, Estorbo,  alone een the restaurant, weeth all thees fry cheecken. Then the cheecken torn eento an abalanche, ees raineen' raineen' cheecken cheecken, an' I yam bein' buried alibe,  nooooooooooo!

I yam on-dair the mountayn ob weengs.

I yam goeen' to die.

Dios mio.

Bod then ees cormeen' Dabeed Chang weeth the abolanch pole, deegeen' down eento the weengs to fine' signs ob libe. He ees lookeen' por me, Don Estorbo! He knows I yam buried! He ees goeen' to rescue me!

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep I yam down here ad the bardarm ob the weengs! I cry.

Poghe poghe, Ow! He fine me! He deeg me oud! I yam safe!

Bod no, he ees loogheen' ad me. He say, Whad a nice FAD cad, he mos weigh abou' 19lbs: yos whad I need por tonigh's especial arn the menu.

...

An' he torns me eento carnfit ob cad een bacon fad.

An' he sorbs me weeth Beeb lettuce leabes an' raw oyst-hairs arn the side.

An' the Smoothman  an' the Wooman corm een. An' they ORE-DAIR me!

__________________________________________________


....I knew eed woul' en' lighe thees.

My nigh'

Thees morneen' the Smoothman ees makeen' carffee an' the Wooman stombles ento the leebeen'room an' he says to hor, polide, How deed you sleep?

Good, thank you, she say. How deed you sleep?

Nard bad, he say, Ok, bod nard bad.

....

Silence.

Estorbo? say the Wooman.

Si? I say.

How deed you sleep?

Fonny you shoul' as', I say.

Oh gard, she say.

Yes, I say: Well, I deedn' sleep so goo'.

Reeally, she as'? I though you slepd preedy well.

The Smoothman roll his eyes.

Well, I say, I deed sleep preedy well between 2 and 3 am.

Si, she say, Een the meedle ob the bed. Stredghed oud, so that I yad to balance arn 6 eenches arn the side.

Thee ees my story, I say. Pleease doan' eenterropt...

.....

I carntinue: An' then ad 3 am I woghe orp.

The Smoothman sigh'.

Ad 3 am I woghe orp, I carntinue, and I was hongree! Bod I said to myself, be reasonable [the Smoothman maghes snorteen' noise, so rude]. So I go bag to sleep. I yam a reasonable cad! I sleep anorder twenny seben meenutes. Then I waghe orp, an' I yam hongree!

So I decide to as' for food. Bod I yam so ber' tired thad when I open my mouth, no soun' corms oud. Then I doze arff.

I waghe orp again. Weeth my excellen' cad eyes I see the deegetal clarck. Eed is 4am. Thees time I decide to maghe a carncerted effor' an' I pomp orp the bolume.

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!

The Smoothman ged orp, fas'. He say some badwor's. Bod he feed me! I seddle down to my bowl an' I coun'  my pelleds. Hey! I yab been scammed. Thees bowl ees nard full! Bod I ead anyway. Then I doze arff arn the floor, pointee' towar's the Mecca ob my bowl.

I waghe forty-fibe meenutes lade-hair and I am hongry! Ees terreeble

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP, por the lorb ob gard!

The Smoothman appears again, neearly sqasheen' me as he walghs.

He feed me the res' ob my ration.

I feel full an' I doze arff again. Bod again I waghe ad seex an' there ees a hongry tigehair een my belly 

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep, I roar faindly, weagh weeth honghair.

Lighe mageec the Smoothman appear. You've been fed, cad! he growl een French.

Pendejo, I say, I yam hongry! Babosa he say: Dreenk thees...

He geeb me meelk. Ah, whide storff. Ebeen tho eed ees lowfad kaka I dreenk eed. Laplaplap, ees goo'.

I fall sleep.

Moch ladehair the yoomans ged orp.

They ead breakfas'. Carffee cahge thad the Wooman maghe las' nighd an strarng carffee. I yompa arnto the bed where the Wooman ees eadeen' an' dreenkeen while readeen' an' I as' por sorm cahghe. I lighe caghe.

She geeb me two pieces muy pequeno, and then I wash an' lie down to sleep.

I mos resd orp por tonighd.

The En'.

 OK, so you wan' to know abou the Poll, righ'? Thad ees why I had to ead the cahge: I drarpped below my opteemum raccoon-fighdeen' weigh an' had to bolk orp.

The majoreedy ees correeghd! Onlighe een a democracy, jaaaaaaaaaajajajajajajaj.

I weigh...

NINETEEN POUN's!!!!

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep! Carngratulation'!  To eberyonee who though I was fifteen, thad ees because I yab soch goo' moscle tone. Twenty-two woul' dab been accurade a few years ago when I was twenny-worn poun's.

Een honor ob your beectory you may sen' me Wheeskas treads, whide caghe, enoki moshrooms an' sweet melon.

Grazias.