Cessation ob harsteeleeties

Man. The Wooman pulled a fas' worn: she gard seeck.

So I had to go ou'side an' peeck horbs por hor. Thyme ees good antibioteec. My drorgs are makeen' new shoots, but pequeno.

Can you use thees grass? Maybe you need to throw orp?

I had to seed arn the bed por 4 days.

I had to preten' to be friendly an' lorfeen', all the time theenkeen' onteel she tells the Trooth there can be no recarnceeleation.

I mos' theenk.

How do I encourage hor to carnfess?

Ees' esshausteen'!!!

Tell me, Wooman, I tried, while she barked to hide hor shame...You hab changed: whad happen' down there een thad country?

She say, Carff Carff Carff!

I say, OK, Calm down, I weel hole' your hand. Feel my beadeen' heart.

Then thees morneen' she wanted carffee, so I know she's feeleen' bedhair: ony dreenks tea when seeck. Colonial.

Then I know she's bedhair: she broshes me weeth BlueZoom teell I ged mad. I hab no more forr lefd, man!

So. We have talks abou' talks. Then we weell talk. An' all weell be rebealed.

Why you doan' tros' a d.a.r.g.

The peecture was created by thees Lady, Sigga Vala: you see, eed ees nard real.

The oreegeenal Gary Larson cartoon had a darg een eed. Only a darg coul' be so stupid.

The model is Nikita, a Bengal cad. Ber' fancee.

See eed een oreegeenal carnteghds here.

The trooth

Whad can I say?

The yoomans came bag yesserday.

Estorbo! said the Wooman as she sad neghsd to me arn the bed where I was tagheen' a nab arn the grey cashmere blanghet.

Estorbo! Beeg smile, sweedboice.

I looghed ad hor. I gard orp. I walkhed away to behine' the filing cabineds.

Can't nobardy ged me there.

B.e.e.t.c.h.

Estorbo!

The Hermano walghs een. Where's the cad, he says. Behine' the fileen' cabineds, she says, sadboice. He doesn't wand to talgh to me.

Forgheen' A, I say.

Estorbo! they say.

They seed arn the bed an' waid. I seed behine' the fileen' cabineds an' waid.

Storbie, they cry, smallhighboices. Lighe you talkgh to two year ole'...or d.a.r.g.

Beetchbeetchbeetch, I say.

I lorf you Estorbo! the Wooman say.

Then she say, I yam sorry.

Silence frarm me.

Bod we are magheen' progress.

So I decide to say:

...eeeeeep...?

Storbie!! they cry, you spoghe!

My gard.

The Hermano lefd the room. The Wooman stayed. I came oud.

You came oud, Storbito!! she cry, floodedweethreliepboice.

Yeah, I say, I need to use the bathroom.

She stroghe me. She peeck me orp. My gard, you are so heaby, she cry, you hab gard so fad!

...an we were doeen' so well, I say. Poot me down!

We're bag, Storbie, she say, we woan' go again.

Yeah righd, I say. Read my leeps: You. Owe. Me.

Beegtime. Wooman.

She broshes me. I porr. Feels gooooooooood. I hab so moch forr.

Then they go oud.

Me: Whad the f&^%#@**&^!! ?????

We weel be bag, they say, we are yos goeen sharpeen'.

I'b hord thad one before, I say.

They corm bag. They ornpag. They open can. Ob feesh. Sardines. They poot eet een my plate. I loogh ad eed.

Haben't we been here before, I say? I doan ead canned sardines!

I corber eed orp weeth eemageenary san'. Scratcha scratcha scratcha...

Sigh.

They open the door an' I see sonlighd. I yomp arnto roop. I go to to rosebush whad geds pardy thrown por eed een spreeng.

I attagh!!!!!

Do you onnerstan' me now?????? I as'. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

To be contd.

My libe

The Wooman.

Ess reetorneen'...

On Sadorday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I weell ged feesh!

I weell tell hor whad I theenk.

I will sed orp a Truth an' maybe Recarnceeleeation Commeesion.

You weell be call' to testeefy.

[send frarm a hijacgged Iphone]

the bleckfootedefrican cat

this is me kehdi waiting for my ma two to come home from krismis i love ma one verri mush but i miss ma two who carries me on huh shoulduh everry morning an takes me for neps too everry aftuhnoon

i was sick a week ago an ma two took me to her flet an prayed me bettuh now i em not so wobbily but i was kwite wobbly before she prayed becaws i fell off the ledge where i like to sleep an hit my little head on the flaw an wobbled did i menshun i wobbled hey kwestion

i waitud an waitud on the doormet and marie found me an sed kehdi selina is not hyuh an i said you are a rockut signtust i no she is not hyuh but i wull wait

i em gettting old now an ma one two are verry wurried about me but what ken i do kwestion i still hev a lot to say an the utha day i tole the people how to make macaroni cheese but thets a long stori

don esboi seys there is a cat ikaika who likes me so he hes good taste an so hellow ikaika how are you kwestion

the end but not yet of me hey kwestion

heppi krismis from the dogs

krismis is exhawsting

we got bandanas from the levi staw in new yawk this is me maggie below my brother above wuth tung has no mannus

heppi krismis estawbo marie gave us the passwerd sorry for hecking

bye

Happy Chreestmas

Before the Yoomans wen' to buy me pelleds an' nebber came bag, they gabe me presen' frarm Beloeil, Queebeg, where the seester ob Beence leebs.

Eef they deed nard geeb me these treads, I woul' be starbeen' righd now.

I weesh my frien's happy Chreestmas weeth peeace an' lorf. We are preeveelaged to hab Yoomans (sometimes, forgh...) to loogh afthair os. We mos loog afthair the Yoomans and animales weeth no one to lorf them, too.

An' thad ees the las' time you weell cadge me sayeen' sormtheen' meaneenful, OK? OK!