Naked cad

You though' I was keedeen'. No, I weell nard show you a peecture ob me weethout my forr. Bod thees ees a picture ob my frien' Waldo...He leebs een Louisiana. Where eed ees hard. So. the forr came arf.

Are You Loogheen' Ad ME???

Well, doan'. Why? because I weel keell you. I yam hard. You are deesgosteen': the weathair is HARD como an oben lighe 90'F, and my forrsood make-a me hard. Why, porque, Madre di Dios, was I born weetha forrsood?

I yab bad news, too, wheech ees why I yam angree. Eed ees terrible news:

My friend. My only reeal friend, Don Ambrosio de Jasharveen, pass' away las' week een Kommetjie. Who weel read my lairders now? For why do I yab thees blarg? For Ambrose, for Beeg Blue, my beeg, beeg frien'. His housekeeper email to my Meesers thad Ambrose was assisted to the angels, and I pray for heem my cattoleeck prayer thad there are manymany mize an' slow carkaroaches orp there. Also small, delicious bords what fly eento hees mouth. An' Royal Canin pelleds, a sweemeen'pool ob pelleds.

I weell meess you so much Beeg Blue. I lorfed you.

Your friend forebber,

Don Estorbo della Bodega Dominicana

Whad the Forgh?

Thees beaded theen' leebs arn the roop. My meesers say' ead ees a lion. I say ead may hab a beaded ass, bod thad does nard a lion maghe...

Then an' Now

Weenter. Sommer. Go feegure. I weesh I coul' donzeep my for.

Kiss my Ass!

My Meesers tried to tell me today to stay eenside so thad she can keep-a the air conditioneen' arn por me. I said NO! I yam a roopcad. I need to exercise ou'side. I yam nard a wuss. Leave the door OPEN!

My wile'life befoe I keell ead...

Forgheen' Flowers

Sheet. Thees weegh has been stressful. The terrace soddenly is full ob flowers. Two nighds ago all hell break-a loose. The bozzer keeps goeen' Bozz! Bozz! Bozz! an all these people keep walkeen' eento my house and sayeen', Oh loogh, whad a cude keedy. Whad ees HOR name? How ole' is SHE?

Hombre! Ees eed nard obbeeious thad I yam a man? So I go to the roop an' hide. Eed ees stupeed pardy por the forgheen' flowers, can you belieb eed? Do I ebber ged a pardy? No. Por my borthday? No! por appreciation ob my companionsheep? No.

Sheet.