New blargs

I need help.

I yam loogheen' por new blargs to add to my blargroll. I lorb the Geengehairs. These are seerious cads. I hab respeghd for Senor Jefe, too. The aneemals ad the Slow Lane are cool, too.

Bod I wan' sorm more cad blargs, blargs whad are nard cudesie wudesie, weeth cads weareen' clothes, too moch adbertiseen', sheet.

I wan' cads weeth Opeenions. Cads weeth additude. Cads weeth cojones.

Pleease. Help.

Washeen' orp.

Seence the Wooman ees goeen' blablabla abou' hor feesh sopa recipe (why she call eed Boo-lla-bes??? la-de-da), an' she no bardhair to tell you how to clean the forgheen part afthair wor's, I yam theenkeen' I mos' show you:

Mi nombre

Sormbardy call' me Guido today.

He also said, You mean he ees a reeal cad? You deedn' maghe heem orp arn the Eenterned?

Clearly thees pearson was nard addresseen' me. He was talgheen' to the Wooman.

Guido.

You know whad thad means, righ'?

Yos because I yam swarthy an' speak weeth a Heespaneec aghsent, my name mos' ob course be Guido.

I yam nard Guido.

My name is DON EstorbodelaBodegaDominicanaheearmeroar:

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!

OK?

OK....

The beegtime

I doan' know why they wasted time wrideen' abou' the Wooman's stupeed plantas, bod the peectures ob me are een berbergood tasde. Oh. The Wooman toogh the peecs. Serioosly?

We are en Visi Magazeen, arn sale today, an' you can buy eed so you can see me orp close an' extra forry. Eeeeep.

Seeyeen' the lighd

Today I yam makeen' worghoud. I yam purifyeen' my bardy.

Porquewhy?

Fors' ob all came yoomans las' night call Bonbon and Heem, weeth geefts. Bonbons por the Wooman, charcolade rabbeeed por the Smoothman, an' plasteec bag ob Heaben por me. An' a peenk mouse.

I went loco. I was nard een carntrol. Heem show' me the bag. I went swipescratchageebeedtome NOW! Dios mio. Delicioso beyon' beliep. All thees time the Wooman ees telleen' me she ees groween' me fresh drorgs arn the terrace. No carmparison, man. Whad they grow een Greenpoin' ees the reeal deal'! I roll' obehair. I bead the air weeth my feed. When the yoomans try to torch me I make swipe ad them an heess. Nebber hab they seen me lighe thees. I feel muy sexeeeeeee!

The Smoothman tells them they are makeen' me high an' he remobes me to the bedroom por Time Oud. He poods me arn the bed an' says Sleep!

Sleep??? Are you keedeen' me? I yam awaghe. Para the for's time een my Libe! Hab you ever really looghed ad your paw?*

Soon I was bag an' playeen weeth the peenk mouse teell they toogh eed away frarm me. The yoomans was laugheen sormtheen' terreeble. Talgheen' abou' makeen T-shorts and my campaign for Borough Preseedend. Why there ees a 'g' een campaign? Eeengleesh...

Thees morneen' eed ees all a leedle fozzy. I mos purify my mine'. I mos' plan my future.

* Heem weell be my campaign manager. He ees goo' weeth soun' bides. I yam goo' weeth real bides.

Hordeen' cads

Grazias to Jay por the beedeo.

I was sorcheen' an'...

I was lookeen', lookeen' eberywhere...

Seek! An ye shall fine'...

...your MEESSEEN' KEETTENS!!!! I foun' my keettens.

Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.