Crazee Wooman weeth Keed

Oh. My. Gard. Thees wooman ees so whide. No, nard como whide lighe arposite ob narrow. WHIDE lighe the colour...Looghe how she dances! Ees embaresseen'...Thees ees my Meesers. The Shreemp een the bouncee chair ees Lucas, produce ob my one cad seeter Natalie. I yam the Gardfarder ob the Shreemp. Oncle Estorbo. I yam gonna teach heem to hont cocka-roaches.

Makeen' scratcha!

Ees eed spreeng already???

By Tony Grogan

Son, Sorf, an' Blonde Cheeck

Whad? Why ees thees heer? Because thees ees the niece ob my Meesers: hor name ees Ella Bella, an' she leebs een Cape Town. Thees ees the forgheen' weather I wan' NOW! I yam emeegrateen', man.

Hello? Ees anybardy oud there?

More snow

Whadda weeken'

So eed was bery cole' here een Brookleen las' weeken'... I had a seemply marbellous time yompeen' een the snow. Nard! My Meesers clime' orp to the roop to taghe peecture ob the terrace, an' she cooghed por me a deleecious cheecken weethoud bones. No, doan' as' me how. I yam a cad. I cannard coogh. I ead.

I was soppose' to work arn my Miaomoirs again bod I was lazee an' deedn'. I yab edited mos'e ob my laiders to Ambrose, dadeen' frarm 2001, bod my Gard, my spelleen' ees bad. Eben I canard read ead. So the Wooman mos' help me.

No Preebacee whadsoebber

Do you mine'??? I yam beesy!! Thees ees privade! I mos' concentrade...Talk abou' cabeen feber. I cannard wade por the Wooman to ged a libe an' starp stalkeen' me...

Dargs

So the parents ob my Meesers, and the yoomans who leeb een the house een Cape Town weeth my frien's Andre Khamel (tabbee) an' Khedi (tabbee, seester ob Khamel - she theenks she ees a blag-fooded Afreecan cad. Bod she ees nard. Tabbee) - also weeth a darg, Ben, an' two order poossies, Welleengton (known as Thad Cad) an' Spook, who ees whide. Whad was I sayeen'...? I gard larst. Oh yes! The yoomans are porchaseen' two parpies: corgees. Corrently the corgees are leebeen' weeth their morder, bod een two weeghs they arribe een Cape Town. Here ees peecture. I could taghe these leedle dargs oud weeth one swipe ob my lefd paw, man. You bark ad me, you go DOWN!

Whad ees thees sheet?

Yes. Weenter. Thees ees my terrace een the snow. Thad ees my frien' Horace arn the lefd. He ees a giraffe frarm Afreeca. He ees cold an' worried. My Meesers bought heem arn the side ob the road een Constantia, where hor parents leeb. He ees now an illegal eemeegrant. He was made by a man frarm Congo. I theenk he meesses heem.

The end.

Home eenbasion

Yesserday my Meesrs larcked horselb oud ob the aparmen'. I heear hor walk orp the stairs. I waid por hor ad the door lighe I always waid. I heear hor pood down hor sharpeen' bags - tj tj tj. I hear hor openeen' hor han'bag an loogheen' eenside, sh-sh-sh. I heear hor say, Sheet.

I say helpfully, Eeeep?

She say, Estorbo, open the door, I yab forgarten my keys.

I say helpfully, Eeep?

She say, Forgh the conbersation, cad, could you please open the door...

I say, I can see the keys, they are righd here!

She say, Open the DOOR, Cad!

I say, steel helpfully, no Spicka Eengleesh!

I heear hor walk away.

I cry, Why are you leebeen me, Porque? Whad hab I done to offend you?

I heear hor open the trabdoor aborf the landeen'. I heear hor climb the ladder to the roop. Then I heear the soun' whad terrifies me: stompa! stompa! stompa! Workboods arn the roof. Poleesh carnstrarction workers! Help! [I essplain abou' Poleesh carnstrarction workers an order time, OK?]

I rosh to the bedroom an' taghe refuge behine' the fileen' cabinets behine' the screen. Swat team! Homelan' Secureedee! Help!

Frarm the terrace I heear CRONCH as someone yomps down frarm the roof to the grabbel. I heear squeezeen' noises lighe someone poosheen' through the slideen' door. I ron to the bedroom door. I canard stan' deed, I mos' escape. I yam trapped. I peep aroun' the corner ob the door weeth my wheeskers. I looghe.

Eed ees my Meesers. SHE ees squeezeen' through the slideen' door. Useless securidee.

Hi Estorbo, she say. Why ees your tail all florfed orp?

No spicka Eengleesh, I say. Geev me a double shart ob meelk.

She ees nard all bad. Ad nighd I sleep arn hor bed. Sometime eef she need adbice I geev eed. Yoomans are also quide goo' for reduceen' stress lebels ob peds. Eef you feel stressed you stroghe them a leedle, then your blood pressore go down.

Here we go:

OK. I yam a cad. A beeg, blag cad. Ees obbious frarm the peecture, no? My full name ees Don Estorbo de la Bodega Dominicana. Ees a larng story. I was born arn the Lower Eas' Side ob Manhattan. Een a bodega. Een a barx. I deed nard know my farther. I yab seence larst my morder. I yam alone een the world. Yessept por the Wooman. I also call hor my Meesers. She ees female yooman an' nearlee seex feet tall. Ees excessive, doan' you theenk? I yab leebed weeth hor for abou' seex yors, now, I theenk. I deed nard go to school so counteen' ees nard so good. We leeb een Brookleen, een Carble Heel, een a small apar'ment weeth a leedle terrace por me to ron aroun' een. I also hab free access to the roobtarps arn my blarck. No doan' freak oud, I weel nard fall off. I yam a cad, nard an eediot.

You mighd hab noticed my aghsent. As my tidle eemplies, I yam Dominican. An' proud. No fonnee yokes, OK? OK.

The porpoise ob my blarg ees to share my libe weeth you an' weeth some frien's and fans I yab een the world. Also I hope to meed more...I yam a correspendent weeth some cads een Soud Afreeca and een Eengland. Also one darg (he ees yesseption to "Theengs I Hade"). Also there ees a poossee een Nord Carolina, YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE, who I meess. Eben eef she ees a beet too orptighd an' ober-educaded. My mose' esteemed frien', howebber, is Ambrose, who leebs weeth his small staff een Cape Town, een a billage called Kommetjie. Hees full tidle ees Jasharvin's Ambrosius, an' he ees a Breeteesh Blue. I call him Beeg Blue. He ees nard, how do you say, lighdweid?

So, ees enorf por one day. I mos go. There ees a peegeon stareen' ad me through the weendow.