Mano a mano

Papá The Smoothman says, I gard your bag, keeddy, doan' worree: sleeb.

I yam here!

I yam alibe!!! I wan' to cadge thees rumor thad I yam arn my las' legs!!! I yam nard arn my las' legs. I yab four legs y I am standeen' arn every worn ob them. Dios mio, the drama. A cad loses hees breakfas' an' all hell breaghs lose. You hear the funeral march, you hire the marcheen' band frarm New Orleans, theese beeg blag cads weeth tubas y trarmbones y beeg appetides (they ead all my yogur') show orp y ask me, Where ees the casket??? WTF? I yam fine! Stupeed wooman. Oh Estorbo, he ees dyeen'...whad weell I do weethoud heem, my forry frien'. ...I am FINE. F.i.n.e.

The roop looghs lighe sheet, Wooman, you need to tidy eed orp.

Can you see me now?

Wha' abou' now? Yes? How do I loogh? I tell you: nard dead. Dead cads doan' walkgh y ron arn the roop. Seeck cads do nard worgh por SETI.

Can you see me now?


(Because I can see you...)

Slideshow ob me!

Eef you doan' hab northeen bedhair to do, here are a meellion peectures ob me, starteen' een 2006, when the Wooman started to taghe peecture weeth deegeetal...I yam an interesteen' cad, yes? I yam nard feelleen' so good today, so the Wooman say we shoul' loogh ad all the time we hab together, goo' an' bad. You weell see the peectures ob me een clothes: thees is 2009 y 2010, when I was leecky-leecky. You weell see peec ob me weeth beeg eyes, when I was drorged frarm unblarckeen' ad the ved. You weell see me arn the roop, arn the terrace, een weenter y sommer... I yam everywhere, heear me roar: eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!

Zzzzzzzzstredge

Whad? You're keeddeen'...Maghe the bed?

Jajajajajajaja.

Go.

Away.

Cad seedhair poseetion has been feelled

Meester John Rosh frarm Massachusetts weell be dribeen' to Nuevo York to looogh after me while the Wooman y Smoothman ride the Adeerondag train aaaaall the way to Montreal, habandoneen' me to my fade. 

Meester Rosh ees blarg reeadhair y say he has bacation days due so he corm to the seedy two days orly, meed the yoomans, y then we pardy por four days. I hope he doan' wear Teemberlan' boods or I hide. The Wooman say he ees nard carnstroction worghair; ees scientees'. 

He maghe essperimends weeth me, smallboice? 

No! I know! We can blow orp the forgheen' squeerel!!! 

BOOM!

Meester Rosh you breeng your equeepmen', yes? I know how to torn arn the gas...

My treep bag to the ved

See, here I yam a happy cad. No worries. Lookeen' ad the Wooman, who ees smileen' ad me. I know nartheen'.

Then I hear eed! The soun' ob the onnattracteeb grey barx!! I ron. I hide een the cornhair! She ees careful y cannard grab me or she breaks all the glasses arn the dreenks tray.

 Bod I maghe taghteecal meestaghee y leab thees safe place y try the order corner by the freedge.

She cadge me.

Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

She carry me down' Congress Stree', righ' on Cour', lefd down forgheen' Warren. Bompa bompa bompa. I see people. Traffeec. Dargs. 

We ged to the ved ad v.e.r.g. Veterinary Emergencia Referral Group. Ees where my Eenternal Medeeceene Specialeest leebs. Fors' we waid een the waideen' room. I as' to ged oud ob the barx y for the fors' time I waid arn the Wooman's lab.

Then we wade een Dr Slade's room. Again I waid arn the lab. They weigh me. I yam orp worn poun', I yam now 17.9 poun's. I yam seengeen' y growleen' all the time. The fors' Dr whad examine me before Dr Slade says I yam a Panther. Damn righ', I growl. I theen' she ees a leeddle scare' por me.

I geeb them more blord. Also pee. The Wooman FORGARD to taghe my pee sample. Sorb hor righ' eed cost $68 yos to esstraghd my pee! Ees terrible.

Then we go home. More peells, y I smell como robbeen' alcohol. Ad home the Woooman wibe my baglegs weeth wed towel to taghe away the vedsmell.

Today the ved call the Wooman. My T-4 (thyroxine, ees hormone I produce too moch) lebel ees down frarm crazy T-19 to T4.5. The ved wan' eed more low so he wan' I taghe more peel.

Whadebber. As long as I doan' hab to go bag.

Dios mio.

So tire'

Por Halloween' I yab a dreenk. Then I go the the parade een the East Billayge.

Then I corm home y I pass oud.

Por 24 hours.

Wooman? Go. A. Way.

I can steel see you. 

Bzzz!