hey bro, i think the mapache are still dormant [thass like hibernatin, only not such deep sleepin] leestwayz i think they arr up here. on the mainland. i havunt seen any of the onez frum the prrk yet.
Mine sez ta tell ya to be crrfull whut ya wish for. considdr it dun.
Wait a minute, I don't recall reaching a settlement or even considering one. However because it's you, here's my offer (steak it or liver it):
I agree to continue providing you with unconditional TLC despite the constant bites and dark threatening looks - which I understand to be normal in a big black cat, and I furthermore agree to provide you with a lifetime supply of pellets, to be divided equally in safe-sized rations twice daily at OUR convenience and at times deemed healthy to all our healths, said times excluding the civil nighttime period, defined for the purpose of this agreement to be a period extending daily from 30 minutes after sunset to 30 minutes before sunrise. Included and implied in this settlement are my tacit agreement to contribute to the maintenance of the landmine field commonly referred to as your litter box and its surroundings, the constant collection of excess black (and increasingly white) cat hair off human clothes, sheets, blankets and your own body, and timely operation of the sliding access door to and from the terrace, at intervals no less than 10 minutes apart and limited to the previously implied civil daytime period. As proof of good will and to make this settlement happen fast, I will throw in the following concessions: I agree to play with you as often as you demand and especially when you don't demand it, provided you avoid puncturing or lacerating my skin, the carpet and any exposed blankets and clothes. I am also open to legal partnerships in the pursuits of roof raccoons and pigeons, the former to be evicted and the latter to be eradicated. It is understood and expected by all parties that you will in return agree to extend your exploration on the stairwell - an exploration which has been limited to the top of the first step 10 feet away from the apartment for the last X years - by a step down weekly, to a point no further than the top of the street level floor with view onto the street.
oy. thur wuz less fuss over jackals inna nitetyme n lepards inna day, leestwayz it wuz that way cordin to the wooman's blog. still n all, my brother, this is whut cums a tawkin to lawyers [an lettin hyoomuns on yer blog, furgive me fer sayin]. evrrybuddy gets excytid.
but seein as how yu wuz the one abandnned in favrr of jackals and left ta gard the wooman's home and hearth, witout being askd, n seein as how this proposal looks ta me like standrrd trrms witout any aknowledgment of yer standin in teh sityuashun or yer pain n sufffrrin [altho i ain't a lawyer, but yu ken sertenly ask yer cattorneys], i'd hold ferm for an overnite snack of sum kind. i thnnk the lawyers call it 'a gud fayth offrin.' an also on the grownds thet overnite snacks is in the hyoomuns intrest.
My CATtorneys, si, I assepd thees seddlemen' an' I thank you por your effort's arn my behalp. I hab beeseeted the feesh side an' am grateefied thad the feesh ees so espenseeb.
Pleease, you woul' lighe your troud greelled, or weell you assped Smoghed? Eed's worn each an' worn para your senior counsel?
Beence: ...BLABLAHBLAH! yes, I taghe thad, and I taghe the feesh! Led me ged thees straighd. You wan' me to walgh down all the stairs, bod then you doan' wan' me to walgh eento the streed?
Sigh.
Hermano Halloween: ees true.
Ikaika and Hermano - I hade the raccoon. I nearlee keell heem wornce.The Wooman says I yam nard allow' to chaze heem no more.
hey bro, i think the mapache are still dormant [thass like hibernatin, only not such deep sleepin] leestwayz i think they arr up here. on the mainland. i havunt seen any of the onez frum the prrk yet.
ReplyDeleteMine sez ta tell ya to be crrfull whut ya wish for. considdr it dun.
Do your bandidos hibernate in the winter??? Whoa!! Ours were out stealing cat food in 15 inches of snow!!
ReplyDeleteWell, hermano, I wish you luck with your bandido ... ours attack the feral cads we feed. So be careful out there!
I boded Estorbo, on behalf of your broders. Some email on its way to you.
ReplyDeleteWhere's the hot tin roof?
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteEstorbo:
ReplyDeleteAn update on your lawsuit:
Each defendant (The Wooman, Beence, Spook, and the two abbreviated D.a.r.g.s) have offered a settlement:
Each will, in succeeding years, subscribe you to a one-year membership in The Fish of The Month Club:
www.holysmokedsalmon.com/fishofthemonthclub.htm
This would be 5 years of fish for you.
Please let us know if this will be an acceptable settlement.
NyM, Cattorneys At Law
Wait a minute, I don't recall reaching a settlement or even considering one. However because it's you, here's my offer (steak it or liver it):
ReplyDeleteI agree to continue providing you with unconditional TLC despite the constant bites and dark threatening looks - which I understand to be normal in a big black cat, and I furthermore agree to provide you with a lifetime supply of pellets, to be divided equally in safe-sized rations twice daily at OUR convenience and at times deemed healthy to all our healths, said times excluding the civil nighttime period, defined for the purpose of this agreement to be a period extending daily from 30 minutes after sunset to 30 minutes before sunrise. Included and implied in this settlement are my tacit agreement to contribute to the maintenance of the landmine field commonly referred to as your litter box and its surroundings, the constant collection of excess black (and increasingly white) cat hair off human clothes, sheets, blankets and your own body, and timely operation of the sliding access door to and from the terrace, at intervals no less than 10 minutes apart and limited to the previously implied civil daytime period. As proof of good will and to make this settlement happen fast, I will throw in the following concessions: I agree to play with you as often as you demand and especially when you don't demand it, provided you avoid puncturing or lacerating my skin, the carpet and any exposed blankets and clothes. I am also open to legal partnerships in the pursuits of roof raccoons and pigeons, the former to be evicted and the latter to be eradicated. It is understood and expected by all parties that you will in return agree to extend your exploration on the stairwell - an exploration which has been limited to the top of the first step 10 feet away from the apartment for the last X years - by a step down weekly, to a point no further than the top of the street level floor with view onto the street.
Sign here, here and here.
Yours truly, day in, day out,
Beence, aka smoothman
oy. thur wuz less fuss over jackals inna nitetyme n lepards inna day, leestwayz it wuz that way cordin to the wooman's blog.
ReplyDeletestill n all, my brother, this is whut cums a tawkin to lawyers [an lettin hyoomuns on yer blog, furgive me fer sayin]. evrrybuddy gets excytid.
but seein as how yu wuz the one abandnned in favrr of jackals and left ta gard the wooman's home and hearth, witout being askd, n seein as how this proposal looks ta me like standrrd trrms witout any aknowledgment of yer standin in teh sityuashun or yer pain n sufffrrin [altho i ain't a lawyer, but yu ken sertenly ask yer cattorneys], i'd hold ferm for an overnite snack of sum kind. i thnnk the lawyers call it 'a gud fayth offrin.' an also on the grownds thet overnite snacks is in the hyoomuns intrest.
My Gard. Too many wor's.
ReplyDeleteMy CATtorneys, si, I assepd thees seddlemen' an' I thank you por your effort's arn my behalp. I hab beeseeted the feesh side an' am grateefied thad the feesh ees so espenseeb.
Pleease, you woul' lighe your troud greelled, or weell you assped Smoghed? Eed's worn each an' worn para your senior counsel?
Beence: ...BLABLAHBLAH! yes, I taghe thad, and I taghe the feesh! Led me ged thees straighd. You wan' me to walgh down all the stairs, bod then you doan' wan' me to walgh eento the streed?
Sigh.
Hermano Halloween: ees true.
Ikaika and Hermano - I hade the raccoon. I nearlee keell heem wornce.The Wooman says I yam nard allow' to chaze heem no more.