The Conteenuation ob My Heestoreec Treep to Meeami, 2001

Date: 05 April 2001

Yes, eed ees me Estorbo again. My food ees feexed frarm my shaveen’ acceedent and now I can type again, I theenk. My stupeed Meesers leave hor razor por the legs where I can get eed een the bathroom, an’ I ged eed because I hade eed an’ wan’ to keell eed, an’ I foun’ eed an’ I heed eed, an’ eed bide me bad arn the food, so blood all ober the whide tiles, an’ my Meesers ees wrappeen’ thees theen’ arou’ my food to starp the bleedeen’, an’ I yam reseesteen’ hor all the time...So ebentually she have to cut arff the stupeed bandage because I tell her eef you no cut eed arff I weel chew arff my food. So she seed weeth me opsi’ down and hold stupeed gauze arn my pad an’ eed starp bleedeen’. She feel so guilty I nearly commee' suicide thad today I get leedel piece organeec-cow meence weeth food por urinary tracd health.

I lighe meence.

So. I theenk ees one more theen’ to tell you aboud Meeami, wheech ees aboud thees restaurant called Porcau wheech ees peeg een Portuguese. Thees lady who ees PR por opera company say ees good, an’ she shou’ know ‘cos she ees Brazeelian. Ees restaurant where por flad price you ea’ an’ ea’ an’ ea’ onteel you throw orp. Ea’ meat. (Sorry por drarped consonan’ – ees influence ob Caribbean cads een Meeami…) So we go and we waid een line where ees angry man sayeen’ MY WIFE ees 9 months pregnant and we have been waiteen’ por these larng, an’ me Estorbo I yam theenkeen’ my Gard whad eef she ea’ an’ ea’ an’ ea’ an’ esplode een restaurant? She look like bomba ready to go arf...

Eenyway, these people ged our table so we waid some more an’ my meesers tell barman eef thees cad no ea’ now theen’s could get ogly. So he make me a free dreenk called mojito wheech ees white rom an’ meent an’ lime an’ sugar. Ees disgosteen’, an’ I yask por some meelk weeth rom. Moch bedder. My meesers ask por Sidecar an’ barman never hord ob eed. She tell heem how to make bod ees too sweed so she dreenk my meelk.

At las’ we ged our table an’ we ged these leedle roun’ coasters weeth picture ob green angry peeg weeth face een plade arn one si’e an’ arn the order si’e, peecture ob red, happy peeg smileen’ an’ wabeeen’ a flag. Eef we fleep coaster to red peeg eed means we Hongree an’ wan’ mead NOW, and eef we fleep to green peeg eed means Go Away an’ led os ead all thees mead.

Fors’ we check ou’ salad bar (thees beeg coltural eenstitution een America....). My Meester look bery happy an’ make plade high weeth hondered salads. My meesers look greem an’ foss abou’, an’ come away weeth endive an’ ...my Gard whad ees name ob hotel...The Estorbo, Exelsior...WHALDORF…salad an’ she save horself por mead. They order $70 boddle wine wheech ees cheapest on sheedy leest, an’ then soddenly ees arriveen’ MEAD: arn steecks held by beeg men who cart eed arff por you an’ we lorn to greep the slices weeth leedel tongues we hab an’ help to put eed arn the plade...and we steel chewing an’ ees arribeen’ more MEAD seezleen’ arn pladder, then sausages, then torkey (thees stupeedeest theen’, torkey…who ead?) weengs, then feelleet weeth bacon an’ then sirloin an’ my meesers ees geddeen’ crarss ‘cos she gard no time por chew, and then we remember:

We forged to fleep the peegs!

We hab red happy peegs! Eemediately we fleep to green angry peegs weeth faces een plades. Now we know why they so angry. Fors’ meesers then me slow down an’ feel like foie gras goose bod Meester steel happy and fleepeen’ his peeg. Waiter weeth cart go aroung meexeen’ the mojitos an’ eberyone dreenk them or ice’ tea. No wine, yessept por Pregnant Lady who no esplode yet. Then Meester give orp an’ dessort card come round an’ we scream an’ ron away. Meesers mos drive ‘cos Meester too dronk and gard the geegles. Nex’ time I wride abou’ the treep home wheech was no play’ tof cheeps I cantell you.