I am fine!

Photo: the Smoothman

My blord tes' came bag goo'! My typhus lebels are where they should be, afthair I taghe higher dose drorgs...****!

I mos' carnteenue to taghe the forgheen' peells dayeen, dayoud. Was THREE veds loogheen' ad me. My gard.

Y guess whad: I was keess' THREE time arn the head, by Dr. Slade. He ees audacious. I howl, I growl, I seeng, bod I deed nard bide. (I theenk.)

Eben though the Smoothman taghe my personal pee een my personal bee bartle afthair he eenterfere weeth me een my leedhair tray (I moss steel call 311 por thees eenbasion), the bed, I mean ved,  eenseest arn "sterile" sample. Por favor. Does he nard know the Smoothman ees Canadian? How sterile can a person ged?

Whadebber.

Eep. I hade the urine sample (smallboice).

An' eed was cole' een Nuevo York today, man, freezeen'. My onnatracteeb grey barx ees bentiladed!

Gracias to my ved ad VERG por treadeen' me weeth respeghd. You rarck. I nebber say thad abou' no bed, I mean, bed (sheet), ved, before. Ebber. Yos neghs' time maybe doan' squeeze me so moch, OK?

OK.

Wheech remine' me:

***! OK: WHO knew the peells wor een my forgheen' YOGUR'????? WHO?

Dayeen, dayoud

Manana I go the ved.* Een the onnatracteeb grey barx.

Sheet.

They taghe my blord pressure. They taghe my blord. They taghe my pee eef the Smoothman cannard cadge eed I maghe eed deefeecol' por the Smoothman to cadge eed ad home (Idoan'wannatalghabou'deed). They geeb me more peells.

Meanwhile. Where the forgh ees weenthair? Las' time thees year I was een igloo.

*Hombre. My ved wrode to me arn Fazeboogh (ees my Frien'!) - I yam een trouble:

"Dear Estorbo -
As much as I enjoy reading your blog posts, please try to find some time to pull yourself away from typing (pawing?) to have a recheck. I don't like that you are always thirsty and we need to check your typhus and your keedney levels to make sure that you are on your right dose of medications. Make the Smoothman take you in if the Wooman is still away. 
I'm sorry to nag. It's because I love."

Beeg question: weell Dr.Slade KEESS ME, lighe he deed las' time (he tell me ees nard PR, ees because he lorb aneemals)??? You can bode arn sidebar'.

Eeemposseeble to ged goo' helb

My segretary ees workeen' arn my thank you car's por donations. She ees slow. Now she has ron oud ob the cars an' needs to by new worns. Bod they are made by worn lady een Cape Town who does nard lighe to peeck orp the phone. Y no email. Ees har', ees berber har'. Bod the fors car's are mail' today. We try, we try.

Geeft frarm Afreeca

Photos: the Smoothman

I yam so esstateec I pass oud.

Arribe een enbelope frarm South Afreeca sormtheen' deleecious. Call Beell Tarngue. I doan' know who Beell ees (was, I theenk) or why they do thees to hees tarngue bod eed ees berberberberber' deleecious. I go crazee. I ead y I porr ad the same time. I grab the empty bag oud ob the trash. Dios mio nebber een my libe hab I tasted sometheen' lighe thees.

Happy happy joy joy.

Estorbo bersus The Peell

Peecture: The Smoothman

The Smooothman has been defeaded! I now refuse to ead the peell een a tread or een pate, so he as' the Wooman to essplain how she geeb me peell ole' fashion' way. So she essplain:

"Bag the cad orp so his bag is agains' your legs so he cannar' reberse.
Weeth lef' hand frarm below gently pry cad's mouth open weeth thormb y meedle feenger.
Weeth right han' parp the peell een.
Weeth lef' han' queeckly close' the cad's mouth.
Stroghe cad teell he swallow."

Jaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaajajajajajajajajajaeeeeeeeeeeep!

No. Way. Jo. Se.

The Smoothman wride bag:

"I yam afraid to breagh the cad. He woan' open hees mouth."

Estorbo 1, Smoothman Zero.

I ged no more peells. Eenstead, I ged nice helpeen's ob peach yogur', twice a day, 12 hours apar'. The recipe mos' be a leedle deefferen' because eed tasdes a beed more asserteeb. Bod ad las' I yab trained the Yooman.

Score.

!Feliz año nuevo!!!!

I yab started the Nuevo Year as I mean to carnteenue - I washed. Thees ees porque my forr ees lookeen' floffy.

The Smoothman ees now my official portraid artees' y I yab made eed muy clear to heem thad eef he wan' me to pose' he need to geeb eencenteeb. Lighe treads. OK - the Wooman as' por peeeeeeectures ob me? She blame lag ob peectures arn you y she maghe you loogh bad? You wan' to eempress hor y maghe hor lorb you more? Yes? OK. How moch ees eed worth to you? One tread? I doan' theenk so, bordee! Show me the bag. Thad's bedhair. OK - shoot. No, thad ees nard my goo' side. Thees way. Are you sure the ligh' ees righ'? Doan' maghe me loogh fad. OK -

...shoul' we do sorm nudes to show to my ved Dr Slade neghs' weegh? I yam feelleen' arteesteec:

Pour me sorm meelk.

Deceit

 Ees carnspeeracy.

Por many weeghs now...mornths? - the Wooman has been gebeen' me deleecious snag twice a day. Fors' I hear raddleraddle, an' I corm ronneen'. Then I hear craghlecraghle, an' she prepares the tread. Then she geebs the tread to me. Ees ber' goo', como teghsture ob peanod botthair weeth flabour ob cheecken.

Then the Wooman leab. Weeth suitcases. Ees serioos.

The Smoothman stay. Maybe she no ligh heem and me no more? We are lefd behine'. Like dargs by the side ob the road. Dargs - she no need them.

Bod I heear raddleraddle lighe usual. Craghlecraghle. The Smoothman geebs me my tread. Bod the shape ees deefferen'. Was roun', now eed is pentogram. I chew, sospicious. I tasde sometheen' terreeble. I SPEET!

Ees forgheen' peell.  Eenside tread. Heedden.

Ees decepcion. Corber orp.A beil ob ontruth.

Now I mos' as' myselb. Ebery tread has been a lie?

Whadebber. Now I know.

When een doubt: Speet.