Gracias

...to Alexa por holdeen' my paw las' nigh' por my las' minutos arn Fazeboogh, wheech ees now dead. ' Also, she has berber' goo' Spaneesh aghsen' - I hope she leebs carments here more, so you can see ead ...

I enjoy Social Networgh por a larng time, an' foun' nice frien's, bod as I tole hor, sormtimes you lorn too moch abou' yoomans thad you deed nard wan' to know. Ees deesappointeen'. Sigh. So now I steeck to my blarg. Ees lighe leeabeen' weeth my head een the san'...Nice and dark and warm, weeth pelleds.

Please doan' tell the Wooman I keell' Fazeboogh (ees OK, she nebber reads my blarg, well, hardly ebber). She said she was goeen' to leab bicariously through me.

Now she weell hab to ged a libe.

Dayeen, dayoud

Was a ber' beesy weegh. Was nice weathair so I sad arn the roop an' honted peegeons. I looghed por the raccoon. I sharpen' my claws een case I see the bastardo. I weell keell heem.

Then I was ber' hongree, so I stole sorm sausages. The wooman was angry. BADCAD!

I was so stress' by the screameen' thad I yad to taghe a nab. Then the Smoothman napped too. Hees head ees weigheen' a lard. My eensides ees squashed.

More stress. The Ladycad came an' sang songs to me through the weendow. I hade hor.

So I had to resd a beet more. Wooman, why you taghe peecture when I yam tryeen' to be privade? Go. Ay. Way.

Was so essiteen'! I foun' a ped! Beeg, beeg ant. I wadged eed all day. Then the man put my ped arn the roof. I cry. So cruel.

Sheet. I ged a new war drobe. For sommer. I loogh reedeeculous.

Maybe I can go to Arxpord Uneeberseedy now? I woul' lighe to be arn the roween' team. I yam ballast.

Yes, I know whad thad ees.

I taghe anorder res'. The new clothes maghe me crazee.

The Wooman says I loogh like a bat.

I tell hor I yam Vampire. She say she know thad already.

We hab dreenks and nachos arn the terrace. I lighe tortilla cheeps weeth spicy salsa.

Also beer.

Eed maghe me dronk, onmanageable and 'rowdy'.

Yos kiddeen'...

Now I mos go. Ees time to essplain thad eed ees WORN hour pas' my deener time.

My boogh

Was arribeen' a packayge por me! Frarm Neko y Marzi y Neil een Areezona (thank gard I'm nard Mexican...). Graciaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaas! Eeeeeeep.

Eed was a boogh...full ob cads. Eenside eed say thees ees por the Smoothman to read weeth me, so I no bide heem no mas.

I decide to read alone. I doan' wan' to brainwaszh the Smoothman. He ees so nice to bide. His blord ees so preedy an' red.

Many cads eenside. Only worn blag cad, arn a broomsteeck. I call theese racial profileen'.

The boogh ees also muy confortable.

Maybe I led heem read eed weeth me.

Bod fors I mos' diges' all thees eenformation....zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

My coad

I think I prefair thees coad for sommer.

The Wooman says she ees goeen' to taghe me to the v.e.d. eef I do nard change my ways. She tells me she ees "seeck of" my leeckeen'.

No leecky-leecky! - she says.

I say, Doan' speaghe peegeeon Eengleesh to me! I yam a man!

She looghs ad me.

I loogh ad hor.

I say....Th.

Deets.

Photo: Deets, by Linda Carson

Thees ees Deets. He leebs arn the 7MSN Ranch. Muchas gracias to Veronica por eentroduceen' me to thees blarg.

Eentrudair!!!!!!! 911!!!!!

Whaaaaaaaa.........???????

Who-whoooooooowwwwwwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee....

Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa..........hooowwaaaaaeeeeeeeehhhhhhhhh-h-h-hhhh!

911.

Homeeenbasion!!!!! Corm queeck: NOooooooooooooooowwwwwwwwwww.

Dargs. Arn my blarg. Again .

Sormtimes the Wooman pushes me beyon' my leemeets.

Estorbo? she says, today.

Ye-e-e-e-s, I say?

I need you to put some peectures ob the dargs een Cape Town arn your blarg.

Oh. I say. Nice yoke.

No, reeally, she says. Teddy was ber' seeck an' I wan' to pose' a peecture ob heem.

So POSE' a picture ob heem, I say, you hab a blarg!

No, she says. I doan' do dargs arn my blarg.

You doan do dargs??? I doan do dargs!!! You pose' them!

No, she says, you hab' to.

Forghe, I say.

Wash your mouth oud cad, or I'll do eed por you.

I'd lighe to see you try, I say.

Estorbo, she says. Hab you realize' how beeg I yam an' how small you are?

Nard reeally.

Well, she says, theenk abou' eed.

Sheet.

Here are the damn dargs.

Ged well s-o-o-o-o-n, Teddy. (He ees the shor' fad one een the meedle.)

Thees was poseded onner duress.

I wan' to speak to my lawyer.

H-h-huwi no mas

Thees was my brorder H-h-huwi een Kalk Bay een February thees year. The Wooman an' Smoothman wen' to meet heem an' my order brorder Trebor weeth Jane, who use' to be their Wooman. Jane mobed to Nuevo Zealand an' decided eed was more kine' to leab the brorders een the house they knew weeth their new Wooman...Bod she came bagh to beeseet them.

So, thees morneen' een South Afreeca, my poor brorder H-h-huwi was buried een the garden een Kalk Bay onder the cleevea where he lighed to sleep een the shade. He was diagnose' weeth FIV too lade and was berber' seeck.

I yam berber' sad an' Jane ees eben more sad.

An' Trebor, below, H-h-huwi's brorder, ees mose' sad. You see he is yos lighe me?

Thees ees Jane weeth Trebor een February.

Be strong, Trebor! You steell hab a brorder een Brookleen.

^^

I yab been rarbbed

Sormtheen' ees meesseen'.

The Wooman toogh my for.

She deedn' geeb eed bag.

Whad the forghe?

I needed eed.

Precedence

Whad? Whad? WHAD????

I hord you wor' eadeen lonch, so I came to seed ad the table.

Thees ees your chair?

Esco-oooo-suh mi! I gard heear fors'.

You wor seedeen' hear fors'? Then porquewhy deed you ged orp? Oh, you forgard sometheen'. Seelly, seelly you! Fine anorder chair. Now.

DOAN' forgheen' squash me you gread brude!

Ees thad corntree pate I see arn the table? Yes, como un beeg slice ob highclass cad food.

Yes, I weell taghe a bide...

Thanks for askeen'.

Now bacade my sead.

Starp!

The yoomans hab been borgheen' me again. Leddeen' me oud ob the red coad to wash "onder soophair beesion". Sheet. When I try to wash the mose' eemportan' plaze, arn my tormy, they yomp orp and say Nooooooooo, Estorbo! Doan' maghe leecky leecky there, eed ees sore plaze!

*&%$#@!!*&^ I know! Doan' you know cadleeck ees anteesepteec???

No! They cry, you hab O.L.D. Obseseeb leeckeen' deesorder an' you doan' know when to starp.

I know how to maghe you starp, I say. Prepare por attagh:

Sorry.

Tole' you.

Doan' worree, the Smoothman ees beeg. He has lards ob spare blord.