Meals por Me

The Wooman has thees foldhair een hor compudhair, een Peectures: Meals Por Me. Een eed she keebs all peectures ob the food she eads. Lamb, Reesotto, Fruid Salad, Macaroni, Cheeckhen, Salad, Fresh Rolls, Reebs. You weell see. She poots eed arn hor blarg. You know she nebber had a blarg? Then I gard worn an' she gard jealoos?

Anyway: I doan' see no foldhair call' Meals Por Estorbo.

Why?

Because eed woul' loogh como thees: Pelleds. Pelleds. Pelleds. Pelleds. P.e.l.l.e.d.s.

Dayeen, dayoud.

Two weeghs ago the Wooman boughd FULLFAD meelk, Wholemeelk. My Gard. She poot sorm een my saucehair an' I sorked eed orp lighe nobady's beesnees. Thees ees DELEECIOUS, I said. Then she say, Estorbo, thees meelk ees makeen' me fad: eed has 140 calories per corp an' Nofad has 80 calories per corp.

Boo hoo, I said. Drarp an' geeb me feefty.

No, reeally, she said, I'm goeen' bag to Nofad.

Sheet.

Eed toogh me won weegh to dreenk the storf again. Ebery day she pour some meelk afthair my breakfas' and I loogh ad eed. Dreenk, Estorbo, she say. No! I say. Dreenk, she soyyest. NO! I stan' firm. An' I can stan' preedy firm.

This morneen' I saw the meelk barx an' I deed my meelkdance een hope. She poured. NoFad. Bod I drank.

Whaddayagonnado?

I yam theenkeen'

...

My Porr

Beence recorded my porreen' arn Skype, doan' as me how, an' we loaded eed arnto my blarg, een the sidebar. Your computer mighd as' you eef you wan' to download ActiveX sarftware to play ead, an' eed's OK to say Yes! Eed ees queeck.

Eed ees steell espereemen' an' I was nard poree' berbery loudly.

The Resolt ob the Poll

Demarcrassy says thad I shoul' trab the raccoon and free heem.

Bod as our country ob domicile demonstrades, demarcrassy ees a failed espereemen' an' so I say, the resolt ob the poll weell be deesregarded!

The raccoon stays! I stay!

Libe goes arn.

Dayeen. Dayoud.

Where ees my forry had?

Why deed the Wooman poot all thees sheet orp here? I can't ged orp to the roop! I need to cadge the Bandido!

Hellooooooooooo...Bandiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiidooooooooooooooooooooooo? I hab some nice....feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesh por you.....................................

The Beeg Blag Ved

Today the Wooman came home an' then I hord The Soun'. Before I coul' deesappear she had the Onattracteeb Grey Barx arn the floor an'was pointeen' me ad eed. Lighe a fool I wen' een'. I doan' know why I go een. Then she slam' eed short!

Always ees' lighe thees.

Then she walgh down the stairs, and down the streed an' roun' the cornhair, bomp, bomp, bomp, and I yam sayeen' Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy? The Bandido Raccoon deed nard bide me, whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy? She say, Bairder safe, Storbie, than sari.

Ugh! I said. Bomp, bomp, bomp.

Then I go quied. I can smell the ved.

An' I smell sormetheen' else.... a....d.a.r.g.

A darg whad has pooped een eed's pands arn the floor. Sheet. An' I mean eed. Thad darg. Man. Foooeee!

Dargs: eberbardy togethair now: "WHO. NEEDS. THEM???"

Room Nomber Two.

Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

I waid por Dr Maddox, the beeg blag ved. Hees helper taghes me oud by the scroff ob my negh.

Wow. Says the ved.

Wow ees righd, I theenk. Tremble before the form ob DON Estorbo de la Bodega Dominicana!

Thad ees a beeg, blag cad, say the ved.

You can talk, I theenk.

The res', eed goes fas', an' I doan hab time to keell anybardy.

Eenjection for Mad Bandido disease een the bagside. Ow! Ay!

My ears cleaned. Ees thees a spa???

He torn me orpside down an' stroghe my tommy!

I wan' to go HOME! NOW!

Led's weigh heem, he say. He weigh 20 lbs say the Wooman. I wan' to weigh heem on MY scale says the gran' ved.

20 lbs.

Tole' you so, say' the Wooman.

He looghs ber' good, say the ved. Thees weel nebber be a small cad.

Then?

We wen' home.

Tonighd? I fine' thad rad weeth a fancy tail an' faze an' I corm bag weeth a nice had.

Brown mouse

...thees ees my streeng weeth the brown paper mouse. The Wooman says thees ees whad I mos chaze frarm now arn. No more bandidos...




Bod eef she forgheds I weell be arn guard. I know he was after my pelleds. Cronchy, deleecious, golden, dayeen, dayoud pelleds.

Raccoon = 0

I chased the raccoon away.

Down the fire escabe.

I won.

[Pleease to carnseeder the Poll een the sidebar arn the righd]

The Cable Guy

[Blegh, thees tasdes lighe Meester Boosh!]

Baggroun' to Story:

Beence send por me weeth the Wooman, feathairs.

Eenstead ob feesh.

...

?


!, !!!! ----?????????

So today, afthair the Wooman eenseested thad the Cable Guy mos' steell carm, an' I fled the house screameen' FIRE!FIRE!FIRE! Ron por your libe, and she yos wen' keeddee, keeddee, keeddee, doan' worree, eed's yos the cable guy, an' I screeamed, Yes, I KNOW eed's the Cable Guy, thad's my poin', Ron! Ron! - sabe yourselb, he weell born the plaze down, and she kepd talkeen' to the Cable Guy an' I yam screameen' frarm the terrace an' tryeen to sabe hor LIBE, and they loogh ad me, and the Cable Guy says, weell he yomp frarm the roop?, and I say YES!!! I weell yomp frarm the roop eef I mos', bod I mos sabe the Wooman fors': Gedoudobmy haaaaaaaooooooouuuuuuuuuuuse YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Forgh.

He lefd. The freeckeen' cable ees workeen' permanent now.

Then I needed stress reliep:

So the Wooman gabe me the feathairs again frarm Bancouber to chew.

I keelled them. They are dead. There was no bord eenside them. Yos' straw.

I yam so...


hongree....

Whad I deed ...

When she lefd.


An' when she came bag I washed to loogh oneenterested.


Then I gabe due carnseederation to the geeft Beence send me. Eco-friendly bord feathers.

Que?

I keelled them: ees aghshion shart.

Then I made scratcha.

Then I calmed down weeth fullfad organeec meelk frarm happy cows.

Led the games begeen.

I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaag!

I couldn't stand eed no more: I feexed the cable myself. Eed's true!

Tonighd before the Wooman gabe me my deenner (pelleds: deleecious, nutreetious pelleds, dayeen, dayoud), I was walkeen' roun' and roun' een essitemend and my tail gard onder the cable for the cable barx - the leedle barx whad was dead. No lighds, no bleenk-bleenk green lighds. Muerte. Cable dead. Compudhair dead. An' I pulled the cable barx to the floor, BAM!

Estorbo! cries the Wooman, You hab broken the cable barx some more!

Como? I as'...eed was DEAD!

Pleease, I as', niceboice, to loogh ad eed?

...

She looghs ad eed arn the floor.

!!!!! She said.

The lighds! Green! Bleenk bleek bleenk!

An' thad, my friends. Ees all I hab to say. Onteel the neghs' pose'...

A meenute ob silence, pleease.

Seeck cable

The WOOMAN'S carmpudhair ees nard carneghdeen' to the Eenterned becauseTime Warner ees makeen' kaka weeth the cable.

Arn Satorday a MAN weell carm to feex eed. I weel hide behine' the fileen' cabineds.

And then...


I. Weell. Be. Bag.

Pee Ess. I was glad ot see hor. I porred como un locomoteeb. An' I slepd arn top ob hor.

While she ees garn...

I theenk I weell dreenk.