blank'/> The Libe ob Don Estorbo de la Bodega Dominicana: Braze yourselbs:

Friday, October 30, 2009

Braze yourselbs:

I was nard keedeen' when I said I coul' nard reach my feedhair when the Wooman and the Smoothman wen' away las' weegh.

Fors' the nice neighbours feed me, pelledsweethagua Wednesday, Thorsday, Friday-brakefas'. Then they are eenstrocted to sed the feedhair to feed me Friday nighd Satorday morneen' Satorray nighd Sonday morneen. The Smoothman leab eenstrorctions, they hab demonstration.

The yoomans leab, happy arn holiday.

Afthair feedeen' me por two days the neighbours breeng eed oud an sed the timehair arn Friday, they leab also por orpstade.

Estorbo ees home alone.

I seet by the feedhair. Eed ees fully loaded weeth deleecious pelleds.

Gard the Feedhair (the sorn an' the holy speereet). Eed made me belieber larng ago. You seet an pray larng enorf and then eed goes CLEECK, and opens to a compartent ful ob deLIcious pelleds!

I waid.

I pray, I waid.

Darkness corms. I waid.

I pray.

I pray harder. Ees geddeen' lade.

Hab I been a bad cad?

Ees gard the Feedhair pornisheen me?

I waid, I pray. I dreenk sorm agua.

Eed grows lighd ou'side.

I pray a leedle more hard. I yell twice. I feel forsaken. Rejected, despised. Acquainted weeth griep.

I wait. Bords fly by ou'side.

Eed grows dark. I dreenk sorm more agua. I sleep.

Eed grows lighd

Steel the Feedhair does nard cleeck. I dreenk some more agua. The smell of pelleds sostains me.

Whad ees wrarng? When are the Yoomans cormeen' bag? Whad eef they doan corm bag? They lefd the slideen' door close een case I make biolence weeth the raccoon, so I can't eben go to the roop to hont.

I cry.

Then I heear a foodstep.

Closehair, closehair, the keys to the door. Eed's the Wooman! Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Maaaaaaaaaamaaaaaaaaaaa!

Estorbo! she say, Keeddee, we hab meessed you!

FEED ME!! I scream.

She smiles, Keeddee, you are so loud.

Ees there sormtheen' you wan' to tell me, I as' her?

Yes, she say, there ees: I yos need to go downstairs to fetch the ordhair bags.

Noooooooooooooooooooo! I scream! You doan' onnerstand! Eeds 6.thorty pee em! I haben't had deenner! Or breakfas'! Or deenner! Or breakfas'! Or deenner!!!

She leab.

I heear hor traitorous foodsteps retreateen'. I yell so loud the walls shaghe. Storbie, she wheespers frarm downstairs, you weell deestorb the neighbours!

Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! I screeam. They weell called the Ess Pee Si Ay! 9wornworn. Wellfare. Chile' serbeeces! Obama! Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

She ron orp the stairs weeth the bags. She drarp them and go to the pelled copboard. She taghe two scoops, she pour agua ober them, she put them down, she geeb them to me, I nonmosnghsopolpghopnomyom...good pelleds!

Keeddee? she asks'.

Nom &*?%$@^%#@*&^%%$*@!!?@!golp, I say, through my teeth.

The Hermano walghs een. He say, How's the cad?

She say, He's yos fine! Happy to see os.

She goes eento the room to onpag.

She heears the Hermano say, Actually... he's nard fine.

Oh? she say? all eenocent.

Si, he says, carryeen' the forgheen' feedhair to hor. Loogh: he says. Eed's steell full ob pelleds, por four meals.

She loogh. They loogh ad eachorder. Time stan's steell. They loogh ad the pelleds. They loogh ad me. I loogh ad them. We all loogh.

Their fazes are whide.

Estooooo----oooooooooooooooooooo----oooooooooooooooorbooooo----oooooooooooooooooooo, como slow motion.

We are soooooooooooooooooooooooooorryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy, keeeeeeddeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!

Now they see all the agua ees dronk orp frarm the agua bowl, now they see why I paneec when she go downstairs again.

No battery in feedhair.*

At wornce I becorm an atheist. Gard needs a battery.

The Hermano ees een tears. Poor cad! Poorpoorcad geeb heem more food.

No! says the Wooman, he weell maghe eenjury eef he storffs heemself arn empty stormach.

So they waid anorder hour and geeb me more.

The Wooman looghs ad me. Bod Estorbo you doan' eben loogh theener.

Neither do you, I say.


You woan' belieb how nice they are to me. Ebery time I say eep the Smoothman roshes to geeb me pelleds. He carry me, stroghe me, talghe to me, play weeth me. Feed me. Tells me he owes me for the rest ob my libe.

You said eed, I say.

I hab orned my sead ad the table. Por libe.

* The yoomans hab no sateesfactory essplanation ob the battery. They foun' eed een bedroom, behine' close door. Kine' neighbours say they no notice there ees no battery. Smoothman theenks maybe he charge eed and EENEXPLEECABLY forghed to replace.

The En' (nearly ob me).


  1. Poor Estorbo! Remember darling, that which does not kill you makes you stronger.

  2. Well, he indeed eeeeeeeps stronger now. Mea culpa. Aj, shame man. I still feel terrible. If only he'd had opposable paws... He could have opened the door, walked to the corner store and bought a new battery.

  3. El pobre Estorbo! I would have rushed over to feed you if only I had known!

  4. Mees Houn'. You Woul' say thad. You hab d.a.r.g.s. ^^ Iwas nard strarng, Iwas weegh. Berberyweegh.



    'He thees, he thad.' To whom are you addresseen' yourselb? The Greek chorus??? Thees ees MY blarg! Address me, por fabor!

    Ellen-weeth-the-preedy-Leedle-Cad -whad-fetches-moshrooms: Gracias, you are a real Lady. Eef the Yoomans had feegured oud whad was happeneeen' (an' the Wooman seems to hab been channeleen' me) they woul' hab corm home. Ad leas', thad ees what Beence says. Now I yam so terrify' ob when they leab me ad the en' dob the year to go to Mo'real an' dAfreeca. How many meals can a feedhair weethoud batteries probide??????

    Eep, yo.

  5. Rusty Geiger y SporranNovember 1, 2009 at 6:54 PM

    Woah, hermano! This is indeed a dire tale. We are all so pleased you are OK (your wooman was right about the danger of too many pellets on empty tum).
    We will now ask Dinah for a "portion sympatico" in your honour.

  6. We will file charges if you wish, Storbie. Alternatively, we can negotiate a settlement with all parties. It will prove expensive for them, & beneficial for you. ;)

  7. Estorbo, dio mio, that's horrible! Now you know why we insist on personal room service, twice a day, whenever the quiltcat goes away. Even if she's only gone for 24 hours, she gets somebody to come in. Not trust our precious tummies to a mechanical feeder. We hope that you lay the guilt trip on very heavily and receive much in the way of cuddles and healthy treats.

  8. Hermano! I read your narrative with horror! Batteries not included! QLC???!!!

    On the other paw, you can use this to your advantage for the rest of your nine lives ...

  9. Oh Estorbo!!!!What a nightmare!!! I feel so bad for you! You are excused for your lack of faith. I know "Ceiling Cat" as some call Him, would definitely understand. He went forty days and forty nights! Oh Estorbo, you deserve all the love, cuddles and treats you can hold. At least you didn't do what Bailey did when we left him with sitters -- or maybe you did??? It costs plenty to replace carpet and if you don't replace ....the memory lingers on....That will teach them! I'm going to bed now and I will have night terrors for you.

  10. Oh Estorbito! I was so upset when I read your story. Please tell the yoomans to get back up catsitters or neighbors to check on you. It is not good for a handsome cat like yourself to spend so many days alone. *sigh* I am there with you in spirit.

  11. Dear Estorbo,

    Jeff The Giant Orange Cat offers his condolences, and a gopher of your choosing from the backyard should you ever visit.


  12. OMG! I don't visit for a while and I come back to find a near-death experience has occurred!

    I won't repeat the awful things that the vet told me can happen to cats who stop eating (but there are words like toxicity and death in there somewhere...)

    Poor Estorbo. You need treats, daily.