Led os geeb thanghs

Why/Porque?

Because my Meesers tole' me to: she say, Estorbito? I say, Yes? She say, Thees Speetzer-theeng has made me so depress', so sad. I beliebe een heem. I beliebe one day he mighd be preseedend. Reeal preseedend, nard como thees Torkey now. Now he's yos a forgheen' asshole.

Lighe Barack Obama, I say?

Whad? she say. Obama ees nard an asshole (as.far.as.we.know)!

No, I growl, Preseedend! Oh, yes, she say. Bod maybe he weell nard be preseedend. Americans doan' lighe eentelleegent people, an' he ees righd ob the chart.

Oh, I say. Steell: I weell vode for heem. You're a cad, she say, you can't vode.

WHAT?? I scream? Are you keedeen' me? Thees ees the guy who ees my leader! - an' I cannard vode for heem? No, she say, sadly, you can't. Your boice doesn't cound.

Sheet.

So, I say, whad essactlee are we geebeen' thanghs for?

I doan' know, cad, she says. I weell theenk ob sormetheen'.

There's always cadneep, I say, helpfully. Yes, she says, there's catneep. An' red wine? I add. Yes, red wine, she says. An' cheese? I say een my brighdes' boice. Cheese, she says: I mustn't ead cheese.

Oh.

Clean sheets? I say, tryeen' hard.

Yes, clean sheets are nice, she says.

Wait, IknowIknowIknow: SARDINES!!!!!!!

They're smelly.

I know! thad's why I lighe them!

OK, sardines.

An' spreeng? ...ees spreeng goo'?

It can be.

Dios mio. Help me oud here, Wooman.

Ok, OkOk: I gard eed. How abou' thees one???

BEENCE???

Oh yes! she says. Beence. I forghard.

Your forghard? Snaboudofeed!

....
.......................................

Thank you cad, she says, You hab been quide helpful.

You're welcarm, I say, There's a fors' time for eberytheen'.