Friday, March 30, 2012

Same ole' same ole'


I wen'. I came bag. I doan' wan' to talgh abou' eed.

Bod you see whad I had to endure, yes? A waideen' room. Weeth...d a r g s. Thees darg's name was Rex. You know whad thees means, yes?: KEENG!


Por fabor. I yam DON Estorbo de la Bodega Dominicana hearmeroareeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!

Pff.

I yam AOK, they say. My blord tes' say the Typhoid lebels are 3.3. Good.

Wadebber.

Can you essplain to me eef I yam so normal why I maghe projectile bomeet all ober the bathroom?

Ees "bleep" in my treadmen', they say. The Wooman ees happy. I yam normal.

She has no     i      dea.

She say maybe eed ees the essitemen'.

Ob wad? I say.

Frarm bein' a celebretay! she say.

Como? I say.

Arn the corber of a boogh! she say.



Oh, thad. Thad's northeen'.

(An' where ees my forgheen' cheghe?! Een the mail???)

I wan' my own forgheen' boogh!

Goody.

Ees new word. Ebery time I say forgheen A! the wooman say I mos replace weeth "oh, goody". She say my language ees bad.

Word.

Pee Ess: a messayge frarm my oh goody sponsor: The Wooman say I mos say thad VERG arn Warren Street are the best oh goody vets een the whole oh goody world!


They are OK. We hab been to manymanymany vets. We know.


OK?

Thursday, March 29, 2012

Onder the weathhair


Today I feel seeck. So I yam sleepeen'. Tomorrow I got to the ved. I mean bed.

Kaka. They weell steeck needles een me.


Thursday, March 22, 2012

Thread lebel goes orp


There ees a strangehair een the hood. His name is Rahcoon.

Forgheen' bandido!

He ees bag.

Pappa The Smoothman SAW heem arn the sidewalgh yesserday morneen' ad seex am. Call the policia!


I doan' wan' to maghe no more war arn the forgheen' bandido. Maybe he ees new, y young  y freesky. I weell steell keeck his ass. Bod I wan' to retire to ranch een peace.


Instead I mos' remain alerd.

Dayeen. Day forgheen' oud.

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Cad borglair


Eed wasn' me! Thad Cad came y made yompa arn my terrace y BROGHE THEES PART!


Then Thad Cad came to the roop y made kaka een the farm!


I yam camouflage. I weell see heem. He woan' see me.


I weell fine' Thad Cad. Ees grey y whide. Bod the stupeed yoomans carnfine me (again!) to barraghs onless they are arn the roop. They say maybe I figh' y fall arff the roop!Eedeeots. I yam muy agile. Y I yab brains. Also small parachute para emergencia.

Thees ees my roop. Heear me roar: Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!

Sunday, March 11, 2012

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Fear


Eed's forgheen' freezeen', man. Y I yam force' to seed ou'side. Whyporquewhy?

Because ob the Sorkeen' Death bein' push' aroun' the aparmen' by the Wooman! I had eed. Eed eads cads. Sorks them orp an' you nebber see them again.

Ebber.

Sormtime eed eben ead a d a r g.

Eed does nard deescreemeenade. Eef you have legs counteen' quatros, you are the prey. The Sorkeen' Death weell ged you.