Saturday, January 30, 2010

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Papa?

I meess you.

I yam sorry I yattaghed the Wooman.

I weell nard do eed again.

I wan' you to corm home.

Where are you?

Thursday, January 14, 2010

There ees sormtheen' behine' you

[Aborf: I yam cormeen' weeth you...]

I attaghed the Wooman. She was ad the carmpudehair an Beence was standeen' behine' hor. She was gedeen' tense because she mos' geeb a Talgh een Cape Town arn forgheen' Rooptarp Gard-Hens and the deesc was nard loadeen' righd.

So whammo shazzam kerpow &!*^%#$^& I was een an' oud frarm behine' hor lighe a smardbomba and ran away. She scream. Lighe a peeg.

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

I doan' lighe eed when yoomans are tense. They mos' SNAB oud ob eed!!!!!

I beed hor arm, I made yompa to reach eed. She go an' wash eed an say I yam loco, crazee, my head ees nard righ'...

Bod I yam righd. I know whad ees goeen' to happen.

Please to play Meester Samuel L Yackson to onnerstan' me.



Amen, brordhair!

Whad I said.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

My weegh

Serioosly: you wan' me to dreenk thees?

An' thad ees how eed began. Hic.

I had to sobehair orp weeth sorm carfee een bed.

Then I stared ad my lonch through the weendow.

I hade squeerels...geeb me the creebs.

I try to wash. Bod do I ged pribacy?

Keep steell, Estorbo, I need to taghe peecture?

My gard. Weel eed nebber en'?

talghtothepaw!

Isaidtalghtothepaw!!!!!!

..thepaws!!!!!!

zzzzzzzzz...

Go.

A.

Way.

Bzzzz! bzz! bz!

...

zzzzzzzzz

I taghe sorm fresh air.

I chegue the mail.

Por me?!

Shreemp frarm Japan! Frarm Seesko an' Moshroomcad! Yes! I mean, Si!

Deleecious, cronchee, smellee, peenk shreemp.

Dayeen. Dayoud.

Sunday, January 3, 2010

Threads

The yoomans have been sayeen bad theen's abou' me.

Yos because I was een the Wooman's arms, lookeen' oud the weendow, and she said, Loogh ad the aeroplane, and I started to bide hor arm savagely...Yos because she put me down sayeen' &*%%$ you *&^^^%! An' because I toogh esseption to these words (I bed norn ob you say thees to your cads), an' I came an' stood by hor chair while she was readeen' email, and yos because she felt my maleegnant presence, an' looghed ad me een time to see my eyes blag como coals an' knew I was abou' to make attagh arn hor leg, yos because she toogh the water bottle and gabe me a squort ob meest to onpersuade me, and I ran to the door an' stared ad the yoomans weeth an esspression ob hort and eenocence...

...They started to say -

Thees cad has brain damage. We weell geeb the cad operation to taghe away the claws, so we no bleed no more, to taghe away the fangs, so we are no more een dangehair ob tetanus, and we will de-rasp his tongue so thad he can no more mutilade heemselb, necesseetateen' red coad...Oh! They say, then he weell yos hab gorms an' weell no larnger be able to bide os oud of the blue, or make scratcha arn our tender arms! An' he weel start to leesp! Heeheehee. Also, we weell dribe heem eento the meedle ob the Kgalagadi Transfrontier Pargh and open the door and say, Welcome Estorbo, thees ees your noo bagyard, an', Oh, BTW, eef you see a leopard? - you migh' wan' to knorck arn the gade at Nossob camp and beg them to led you een, sayeen:

Hello? I yam Don Ethtorbo de la Bodega Dominicana. I yab a blarg. I need pelledth. Led me een!

Forgh!

Thereth a beeg cad behine' me, weeth spartth. Eed doan' know my blarg. I doan' theenk eed hath Eenterned!

Forgh!

I weell cadge ratth! I yam a nithe cad!!!!

....

Thees ees whad the yoomans are sayeen', before they star' to laugh como hyenas.

Saturday, January 2, 2010

Eed can only ged bedhair

Well, that's whad I say. The Wooman, she says, Estorbo, you know eed can always ged worse.

No, I say, Northeen' ees worse than weareen' kaka clothes 24/7. Yessepd maybe goeen' to the ved. Wheech happen' AS~WELL!

Forghe 2009. An' thees all happen een December?! Excesseeb. Geeb a cad a braghe.

I could nebbhair ged a greep arn theen's...

Gracias a dios por people weeth brains, como Meess Ellen who sen' me the dry shreemp muy delicioso. I only hab four lefd, Ellen. The Wooman has been eenstrorcted to buy more. Mos' she go to Chinatown?An' the CATtorneys, who made beeg seddlemen' weeth Nedfleeghs arn my behalp...

The red coad. Gard.

I hade the red coad. Eed maghes carnstreection por my tormmee.

Ees made por Medium Darg.

Then I go the ved.

Sabe me, Papa.

I ged peells. An' snaghs to help wash them down.

Sormtimes they pood the bebe clothes arn me, because I cannard make the good yompa een the red coad.

An ad las' I yam allow to corm oud weeth no clothes. Bod I feel shy.

Doan' LOOGH ad me!

I mos remain corbered!

Sheet.

Yos when I theenk eberytheen' ees OK (OK?), they pagh a suitcase.

An' LEAB ME!!!!

Bod then they crom bag, weeth presen's por me.

Por me? All these papehair ees por me?!

Gracias! I weell keell eed now.

And so it goes. Me an' the Yoomans.

Dayeen. Dayoud.

Sormbody sweetch arff the lighds.