Friday, October 30, 2009

Braze yourselbs:

I was nard keedeen' when I said I coul' nard reach my feedhair when the Wooman and the Smoothman wen' away las' weegh.

Fors' the nice neighbours feed me, pelledsweethagua Wednesday, Thorsday, Friday-brakefas'. Then they are eenstrocted to sed the feedhair to feed me Friday nighd Satorday morneen' Satorray nighd Sonday morneen. The Smoothman leab eenstrorctions, they hab demonstration.

The yoomans leab, happy arn holiday.

Afthair feedeen' me por two days the neighbours breeng eed oud an sed the timehair arn Friday, they leab also por orpstade.

Estorbo ees home alone.

I seet by the feedhair. Eed ees fully loaded weeth deleecious pelleds.

Gard the Feedhair (the sorn an' the holy speereet). Eed made me belieber larng ago. You seet an pray larng enorf and then eed goes CLEECK, and opens to a compartent ful ob deLIcious pelleds!

I waid.

I pray, I waid.

Darkness corms. I waid.

I pray.

I pray harder. Ees geddeen' lade.

Hab I been a bad cad?

Ees gard the Feedhair pornisheen me?

I waid, I pray. I dreenk sorm agua.

Eed grows lighd ou'side.

I pray a leedle more hard. I yell twice. I feel forsaken. Rejected, despised. Acquainted weeth griep.

I wait. Bords fly by ou'side.

Eed grows dark. I dreenk sorm more agua. I sleep.

Eed grows lighd

Steel the Feedhair does nard cleeck. I dreenk some more agua. The smell of pelleds sostains me.

Whad ees wrarng? When are the Yoomans cormeen' bag? Whad eef they doan corm bag? They lefd the slideen' door close een case I make biolence weeth the raccoon, so I can't eben go to the roop to hont.

I cry.

Then I heear a foodstep.

Closehair, closehair, the keys to the door. Eed's the Wooman! Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Maaaaaaaaaamaaaaaaaaaaa!

Estorbo! she say, Keeddee, we hab meessed you!

FEED ME!! I scream.

She smiles, Keeddee, you are so loud.

Ees there sormtheen' you wan' to tell me, I as' her?

Yes, she say, there ees: I yos need to go downstairs to fetch the ordhair bags.

Noooooooooooooooooooo! I scream! You doan' onnerstand! Eeds 6.thorty pee em! I haben't had deenner! Or breakfas'! Or deenner! Or breakfas'! Or deenner!!!

She leab.

I heear hor traitorous foodsteps retreateen'. I yell so loud the walls shaghe. Storbie, she wheespers frarm downstairs, you weell deestorb the neighbours!

Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! I screeam. They weell called the Ess Pee Si Ay! 9wornworn. Wellfare. Chile' serbeeces! Obama! Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

She ron orp the stairs weeth the bags. She drarp them and go to the pelled copboard. She taghe two scoops, she pour agua ober them, she put them down, she geeb them to me, I nonmosnghsopolpghopnomyom...good pelleds!

Keeddee? she asks'.

Nom &*?%$@^%#@*&^%%$*@!!?@!golp, I say, through my teeth.

The Hermano walghs een. He say, How's the cad?

She say, He's yos fine! Happy to see os.

She goes eento the room to onpag.

She heears the Hermano say, Actually... he's nard fine.

Oh? she say? all eenocent.

Si, he says, carryeen' the forgheen' feedhair to hor. Loogh: he says. Eed's steell full ob pelleds, por four meals.

She loogh. They loogh ad eachorder. Time stan's steell. They loogh ad the pelleds. They loogh ad me. I loogh ad them. We all loogh.

Their fazes are whide.

Estooooo----oooooooooooooooooooo----oooooooooooooooorbooooo----oooooooooooooooooooo, como slow motion.

We are soooooooooooooooooooooooooorryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy, keeeeeeddeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!

Now they see all the agua ees dronk orp frarm the agua bowl, now they see why I paneec when she go downstairs again.

No battery in feedhair.*

At wornce I becorm an atheist. Gard needs a battery.

The Hermano ees een tears. Poor cad! Poorpoorcad geeb heem more food.

No! says the Wooman, he weell maghe eenjury eef he storffs heemself arn empty stormach.

So they waid anorder hour and geeb me more.

The Wooman looghs ad me. Bod Estorbo you doan' eben loogh theener.

Neither do you, I say.

Yoomans.

You woan' belieb how nice they are to me. Ebery time I say eep the Smoothman roshes to geeb me pelleds. He carry me, stroghe me, talghe to me, play weeth me. Feed me. Tells me he owes me for the rest ob my libe.

You said eed, I say.

I hab orned my sead ad the table. Por libe.

* The yoomans hab no sateesfactory essplanation ob the battery. They foun' eed een bedroom, behine' close door. Kine' neighbours say they no notice there ees no battery. Smoothman theenks maybe he charge eed and EENEXPLEECABLY forghed to replace.

The En' (nearly ob me).

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Ayuda


Where ees the Wooman?

 I hab a leedle trarble heere!

Hello?

I can't reach my feedhair!

Hello?

Hello?

 

Hello?

Monday, October 19, 2009

Man, I yam a hansome dude...


I lorf keelleen' papehair, man.

Las' nighd the yoomans brough' me sormtheen' delicioso: hanghar steagh, cooghed yos the way I lighe eed: steel saying moo. Eed almose' made me porgeeb them for feedeen' me afthair 8pm. I ead ad seex, Dios mio! They ade lonch oud an' then when to a play called Hamled. I guees eed's abou' a peeg.

Tonigh' they eentroduce me to the new neighbours downstairs who weell feed me when they are garn. Oh boy.

Bod the Wooman an' Smoothman are happy weeth me porque two morneen's een a row I sleeb teell afthair seex a.m., porque? They eencrease my rations!!! So I yam nard forgheen starbeen no more!!!!: Por deenhair I ged three sharts ob pelleds, no more yos two sharts. Now they wade to see eef I ged fad.

Life eesn't seemple.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Sarft pawrn


Help.

I yam abou' to be rabed by small florffy aneemal.

An' I yam lookeen forwar' to ead!



Saturday, October 10, 2009

So boreen'

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Waghe me orp when the yoomans ead sormtheen' eenteresteen'...

Three times thees weegh I waghe orp como siempre afthair my pose' deenhair nab an' station myselb ad their chairs to see whad the yoomans are eadeen' por their deenhair. Maybe eed ees steak! Maybeeee...roas' pork! Cheecken!!!

No. For's, macaroni an' cheese.

I.hade.pasta. Whad a tereeble theen' to do to cheese. I lorf cheese. Thees ees cruel.

Taghe eed away.

Then...bottornort squash.

?!? I mean, porque? Por deenhair? A cad cannard sorbibe arn these rations! Squash storffed weeth corn and tomato.

Een short: kaka.

Finally, whad smell so goo' dall ebebeneen', the final eensolt: TART weeth onion an' the Wooman say weeth anchobies. Bod I no see 'em. She say eed ees call' Peess Salad Here.

?!? Dios mio. You can keep thad. Soun's como dargfood.

Times ees more rorff than I thoughd.

I yam dyeen' ob honghair.

The Wooman tole' me hor Mamma ees cormeen' to beeseet neghs' weegh. So I wrode to Meess Kehdi an' Senor Khamel to beg por beeltarng. Doan' worree abou' no sneeffhair beagels ad the airpor'...I know people. I weell call een a fabour.

The Wooman's Mordhair weell be een Nuebo York teell Halloween (hola muchacho). We weell dress orp an' parade een the Billage. Then we weell go to Minetta Tabern por deenhair.

They coogh steagh there.

Saturday, October 3, 2009

The Papehair wars

Wornce arpharn a time een Brookleen, was a cad an' a papehair bag.

They was frien's...

The cad made yompa eenside the papehair bag and made essplocion.

Kerpow.

An' thad ees when theen's torned orgly.