Monday, July 27, 2009

???

Hello?

WHO poot the sead down???

Whad ees a cad suppose' to do????

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Sonday

I receibed brakefas' een bed. Small blueberry pancaghe, que rico...

Then I wen' oud and essplored the yongle. Eed's crazee, man. Doan' led thees Wooman design your garden. Weeds por brains.

Tomorrow: I lorn to benchpress.

Friday, July 24, 2009

The morneen' afthair...

the nighd before...

I had a pardee arn the roop. Eed when arn a larng time. Eed was gread. I came home dronk. Weeth a frien'. I made noise. The yoomans was sleepeen'. I woghe them orp to maghe the pardee go larnghair. I chased theen's een the leebeen' room. I shouded weeth joy ad 3am. They wor' so boreen'. I tole' them, Nighd time ees no time por sleep. WAGHE ORP!

Thees morneen' they are grompee. They hab no sense ob Humour.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

The Wooman

...ees muy strange. Ebery nighd before she ged eendo bed, she lie arn the floor an' make-a stretcha. She stretchde hor bag worn way, hor head anorder. She breathes fonny, lighe steam train. Eed worries me. I wadge, ready por 911. Doan' she know you stredge when you waghe orp? Before sleep you only wash an' maghe bons! She wash, bod she nebber maghe bons. So I maghe egstra.

Whad ees aborf my head? Mosquido ned, ob course. Nuebo York mighd as well be een a forgheen' swamp.

Friday, July 10, 2009

Blue Zoom

Whad ees thees sheet?

Taghe eed away.

Eed's WHAD????

I feel bioladed.

Sunday, July 5, 2009

Life arn the whide bed

I yam a blag cad. I sleep arn a whide bed. I doan' shed. I hab all my oreegeenal hairs.

I lighe to chaze streeng arn the whide bed, afthair the Wooman has made eed.

The Wooman ees berbery fossy abou' the bed. Eed mos' be made yos righd. Ask mi Hermano. Eberytheen' has to be smooth.

Afthair I hab played arn the bed eed ain' smooth no more. An' she cannard maghe eed because I pass oud an' you know you nard allowed to waghe a cad orp to maghe a bed.

She says my feets too beeg...ees narn sequitur.

I tell hor, ees OK, you can maghe the bed ladhair when I yam dineen' arn fresh pelleds. Also you can please clean oud my leedhair barx an' add a quarthair eench. Eed's a leedle low.

Por now we taghe a nab, OK?
OK.

Friday, July 3, 2009

Eenside

Wooman: Estorbo?

Me: Wooman?

Wooman: Estorbo!

Me: Si! Whad?

Wooman: Whad are you doeen' down there?

Cad: Led me pud eed theese way: whad are you doeen' orp there?

Wooman: ....

Me: My poin' essaghlee.

Wooman: You use' to be afraid to walgh down the stairs.

Me: You leeb een the pas'. Eed ees so leemeteen'. I yam afraid no more.

Wooman: Why?

Me: You mean porque?

Wooman: Yes, Estorbo I mean why?

Me: ...

Wooman: Well?

Me: Maybe there are new cads whad leeb arn thees floor below.

Wooman: Whad abou the cads thad leeb arn your own floor?

Me: I doan' speagh to those cads.

Wooman: Why?

Me: You mean porque?

Wooman: Jeep-hairs Estorbo, you can be deeffeecult.

Me: You're telleen me'!?

...

...


Me: Maybe I wan' to be an Eenside Cad.

Me: The rooptarps ob Brookleen are so wide open.

Me: Maybe I hab too moch freedom.

Me: Maybe I need leemeets.

Wooman: Gard, you're weird.

Me: Taghes worn to know worn. You're talkeen' to yourselb: I'm yos seetteen' here, arn the landeen'. I'm a cad. An' the neighbours can heear you.

Wooman: Doan' talghe to me abou' the neighbours.

Me: Doan talghe to me abou' their cads.

...

...

[Boice-obhair: 'And so the lives of our disfunctional couple continue...']

Me: Dayeen. Dayoud.