Sunday, May 31, 2009

My recession

I yam so depress'. I doan' know how to go arn. My libe ees a meaneengless boid. Oud, brief candle.

I was fired.

Me. Don Estorbo de la Bodega Dominicana. No larnger needed. The hours ob serbeece, the dedeecation, the moral suppor', the forry shouldhair to cry uporn.

Led go.

Peenk sleep.

Whad? You deed nard know I had a jarb? You are askeen' who fired me: a cad, who ees beeg an' blag an' has nard ebbhair mentioned gainful employmen'? Eed was een my carntraghd: doan' mention the djarb. Ees carnfeedential. My eyes only. Swallow the capsule eef they arresd me.

Fine. Okay. Led them corm afthair me. I yam goeen' onnergroun'. I hab dorn eed before an' I can do eed again. I maghe lighe smoghe an' deesappear: Poof!

Don Estobo walghes again.

OK. I tell you.

Eed was Chavez. My leeader. I was his righd han' cad. Eed was the only reason he coul' go arn so larng. He had me. I put een 60 hour weeghs, man, no obertime. Talghe abou' Unions...I gard no beneefeets.

When I yescabed frarm Cuba, Meester Chavez geeb me, El Negro, a home. Ees only time he and Fidel disagree: abou' me.

Why was I fired?

I fell asleep. He was arn radio. I was beside heem. He talghed an' talghed an talghed, como siempre. Eighd hours straighd. I started to sleeb. Ee' was yetlag. Worn weegh afthair the ved nightmare an' I was steell stress'...he tole' me to taghe anorder weegh to recorber bod I fel' eed was my duty to be ad his side. Ees only way he coul' talghe so long. I keep feedeen' heem lines. The boice was Chavez, bod the wor's wor Estorbo, all the forgheen' way.

Teell I fell asleep.

They coul' nard waghe me orp.

So they put me een a barx arn the neghs' plane to Brookleen. I been sleepeen' 3 days straighd. The Wooman gard polide node. Frarm Secred Serbeece, USA. Eef she wan' to be ceeteezen ob Yoonided Stades she mos' nard led the Blag Cad go back south. So she carnfeescade my passpaw'.

Bod ees nard necessary. Soon arribes the peenk sleep. Serbeeces no longer required. Apparently el Presidente has hired a Cheencheella cad whad stays awaghe por worn weeg straighd. Use' to worgh por wooman een Alaska.

I doan' know. What perpoos ees there een libe?

How can I go arn?

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Dibine wrath

Where are my people?

I yam the Sheik ob the rooptarps!

My people are lade.

Always lade!

Do they nebber lorn?


So I weell drarp them.

Squeesh.

The fonnies

Muchas grazias to Oncle Reg een Paarl por the fonny peectures. Maybe you seen them already. Credeet to I Can Haz Cheez Borghair. Mosedly.






Monday, May 25, 2009

Worn weeg ladehair

I yam nard seeck. I yam bedhair.
I yam peeing como un champion.
I yam helpeen' the Wooman to carntrol las plantas.
I say to hor, Why do you buy las plantas eef they are so onruly?
I boughd you, deedn't I? she say, so sarcasteec.
Aghtuallee, I say, polideboiceonnertheceerconstances, I was free.
Hab you seen your ved's beell? she as'...
No I say, I hab nard. Whad ees your poin'?

Life ees bag to normal.
Dayeen, dayoud.


Thursday, May 21, 2009

You are whad you ead. An dreenk'...

The Wooman wen' oud thees morneen' and when she came bag yos ten meenutes lader she had anorder bag ob Heells Sheet:

She say, Estorbo, I belieb you steell hab some creestals een your bladhair whad are magheen' you onconfortable...an' thad maghes me onhappy an starps me frarm sleepeen'.

Oh, I say, tweetcheen' my tail.

She say, So I hab procured por you a bag ob Heells Sheet S/D para the deesolbeen' ob any creetstals you may hab een your bladhair.

Oh, I say. So feed me. Again ( I already had two breakfas' ob Heells Sheet C/D por maintaineen' goo' pH whad my Wooman says ees nard the poin', the poin ees deesolbeen' creestals whad esseest NOW. Dios mio).

Breeng eed arn, I say.

Oh my gard. Two bowls I eegnore. Tasdes como kaka. How low can you go? Thees ees the peets. I dreenk the wadhair she poots weeth them bod lose strength when I ged to the pelleds. Then she say, OK, you had wadhair, now I geeb you dry pelleds, lighe you lighe them...

OK, I say, I'll geeb eed a go. I lighe the soun' they maghe teenkleteenkle een my bowl. They remine me ob the good ole' days ob Heells Lighd. The besd: dayeen, dayoud. I doan' care whad by-prodocts an' cornmeal they hab een them: I lorb them: my for shines; my nose ees enchanted. Keep Ebo. I corm frarm the gotthair an' you know whad we ead there, doan' you?

You theenk maybe there ees a baby bandido arn the roop lighe Hallow een has arn the Mainlan', whad needs pelleds porr creestals...bandiiiiiiiiiiido???? Help?

So now tonighd I hab had two meals ob S/D ordure an' she ees happy. Weemen. An' I taghe the peells fouraday so nice frarm hor an' eben porr while she ees geebeen' them. Doan' as' me why. I'm weird. Day afthair manana the peells weell be feeneesh.

I yam peeing beddhair. I theenk the Heells Treeple Sheet food ees worgheen' already.

All because I deedn't dreenk enorf wadhair.

The Wooman ees tired. She say she stress abou' me. I tell hor thees weeken' ees larng, she mos' sleep. She tell me, Cad?

I say, Wooman?

She say, Eef you pee, I weell sleep, OK?

OK, I say. Eed's a deal.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Orpdate

The Wooman says I yam nard oud ob the woods yed.

Bod I doan' see no woods.

I yos see the roop and las plantas.

Tonighd I wen' por a shord walk arn the roop.

The Wooman keep lookeen' ad me an' folloween' me. I feel como uno rarckstar.

Monday, May 18, 2009

Sleepeen'

...een the arms ob the Wooman, afthair breakfas'.

You can tell I yam nard feeleen' normal.

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Q: Who call' the ved a bastard? A: Who call' the bastard a ved?

My beeg, blag ved, Dr Maddox has retired. We try new ved.

Yesserday was a bad. day.

Berberberberberberberberberbad.

I yam nard ready to talghe abou' deed.

Two veds. Two harspeetals. Fors' one ees "Hope". Hopeless. Drorgs. "Teghneecians". Pain.

Thees ees me below when the Wooman broughd me home las' nighd, walkeen' weeth the onnattracteeb grey barx, por 6 blarcks to our brownstone frarm the Emergencia ved...

Ad home I coul' nard stan'. I fell, I was ronneen' tryeen' to escabhe een the apar'men' frarm the enemies ad the ved. The Wooman neearly cry bod she make braveface so she no orpsed me more. Ees OK. I could see nada anyway. I fel' so bad. All because I maghe so many treeps to the leeder barx an' no pee and cry.


Bod I wanted my pelleds. I TOLE her the Heell's sheet was good. I gard seeck because she try the new espenseeb Evo een cans an' she geeb me no more Heells sheet pelleds weeth water.

I. Need. Water. She know I doan' dreenk enorf.

Thees morneen' she gabe me two peells and I ade pelleds in agua. I swallow peells when she geeb. I no swallow peells ad the ved. I swallow teghnicians. They doan' lighe me because I yam strarng an' pierce. I doan lighe them. They are aneemals.

Then I pass oud and sleep. I peed three times today. Good pee, nard plinkaplinka. Good, said the Wooman.

I yam berbery tired an' steell nard so honner' percent. Maybe the peells maghe me dopy. Drorgs.

I sleep.


Sunday, May 10, 2009

Soun' the alarm

What. The Forghe. Ees thad??????

There ees a theen', a beeg blag theen' arn the house where I gard storck arn the 2nd floor two years ago an' where the Wooman had to rescue me. My gard. The way she talghe abou' deed you swear eed was Eberesd weeth sherpas an' arxygen tangh. I hel' arn to hor weeth my arms while she clime' bag orp the iron ladder arn the ou' side ob the beeldeen' afthair peeckeen me orp frarm the weendow, where I was screameen' Help! Help! Por worn day she had poot Larst Cad notices onder all the doors een the neighbourhood. Lade the secon' ebeneen' she fine' me.

Larst, whyporque? Because there was carnstrarction worghairs arn my roop. Stompastompastompa. An' I ran.

I smell....c.a.r.n.s.t.r.a.rc.t.i.o.n. worghairs....bangabangabanga arn Sonday, blordy Sonday.

So I sharpen my claws to spreeng eento action.


I wash my pands een case I mos' go een ambulance to harspeetal aftair the battle, an' the Wooman says I should have clean pands.

I breathe deep an' medeetade to plan my mobes.

I yam Don Estorbo de la Bodega Dominicana.

Trespassers weell be prarsecuded. I weell maghe an alliance weeth El Bandido. After thad I weel keeck his ass. Thees ees my blarck!

Heear me roar:

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!

Sunday, May 3, 2009

My keetten een law

... Ees the leedle worn een the meedle. She leebs een Quebec weeth seest-hair an' nephew an' mordhair ob Smoothman. Seest-hair weell hab to essplain who are the order cad een laws. We hab nard med yed. They are ladies. [Circe is lefd, Loukhi ees righd]

Keetten ees call' Saphi.

I as', ees she Lesbian keetten?

The Wooman says to me, Cad, when deed you ged so educaded? Eed doan' suid you.

Whad. Ebber. I say.

Keetten ees learneen' to roar frarm Circe, como her oncle (ME! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!)

Keetten came to a sad house: Luritja, the beeg mancad, pass away. Eberyone bersad. So Saphi corm an help as therapeecad.

Don Mosquido

I hade the mosquido ned. The Wooman says I should sleeb eenside eed. She has seen the mosquidos climbeen' eenside my for.

Ad nighd I weell nard sleeb arn the bed eef the ned is oud. Eed carnfuses my wheeskhairs. The day ees OK.