Sunday, February 22, 2009

Cessation ob harsteeleeties

Man. The Wooman pulled a fas' worn: she gard seeck.

So I had to go ou'side an' peeck horbs por hor. Thyme ees good antibioteec. My drorgs are makeen' new shoots, but pequeno.

Can you use thees grass? Maybe you need to throw orp?

I had to seed arn the bed por 4 days.

I had to preten' to be friendly an' lorfeen', all the time theenkeen' onteel she tells the Trooth there can be no recarnceeleation.

I mos' theenk.

How do I encourage hor to carnfess?

Ees' esshausteen'!!!

Tell me, Wooman, I tried, while she barked to hide hor shame...You hab changed: whad happen' down there een thad country?

She say, Carff Carff Carff!
I say, OK, Calm down, I weel hole' your hand. Feel my beadeen' heart.

Then thees morneen' she wanted carffee, so I know she's feeleen' bedhair: ony dreenks tea when seeck. Colonial.

Then I know she's bedhair: she broshes me weeth BlueZoom teell I ged mad. I hab no more forr lefd, man!

So. We have talks abou' talks. Then we weell talk. An' all weell be rebealed.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Why you doan' tros' a d.a.r.g.


The peecture was created by thees Lady, Sigga Vala: you see, eed ees nard real.
The oreegeenal Gary Larson cartoon had a darg een eed. Only a darg coul' be so stupid.
The model is Nikita, a Bengal cad. Ber' fancee.
See eed een oreegeenal carnteghds here.

The trooth

Whad can I say?

The yoomans came bag yesserday.

Estorbo! said the Wooman as she sad neghsd to me arn the bed where I was tagheen' a nab arn the grey cashmere blanghet.

Estorbo! Beeg smile, sweedboice.

I looghed ad hor. I gard orp. I walkhed away to behine' the filing cabineds.

Can't nobardy ged me there.

B.e.e.t.c.h.

Estorbo!

The Hermano walghs een. Where's the cad, he says. Behine' the fileen' cabineds, she says, sadboice. He doesn't wand to talgh to me.

Forgheen' A, I say.

Estorbo! they say.

They seed arn the bed an' waid. I seed behine' the fileen' cabineds an' waid.

Storbie, they cry, smallhighboices. Lighe you talkgh to two year ole'...or d.a.r.g.

Beetchbeetchbeetch, I say.

I lorf you Estorbo! the Wooman say.

Then she say, I yam sorry.

Silence frarm me.

Bod we are magheen' progress.

So I decide to say:

...eeeeeep...?

Storbie!! they cry, you spoghe!

My gard.

The Hermano lefd the room. The Wooman stayed. I came oud.

You came oud, Storbito!! she cry, floodedweethreliepboice.

Yeah, I say, I need to use the bathroom.

She stroghe me. She peeck me orp. My gard, you are so heaby, she cry, you hab gard so fad!

...an we were doeen' so well, I say. Poot me down!

We're bag, Storbie, she say, we woan' go again.

Yeah righd, I say. Read my leeps: You. Owe. Me.

Beegtime. Wooman.

She broshes me. I porr. Feels gooooooooood. I hab so moch forr.

Then they go oud.

Me: Whad the f&^%#@**&^!! ?????

We weel be bag, they say, we are yos goeen sharpeen'.

I'b hord thad one before, I say.

They corm bag. They ornpag. They open can. Ob feesh. Sardines. They poot eet een my plate. I loogh ad eed.

Haben't we been here before, I say? I doan ead canned sardines!

I corber eed orp weeth eemageenary san'. Scratcha scratcha scratcha...

Sigh.

They open the door an' I see sonlighd. I yomp arnto roop. I go to to rosebush whad geds pardy thrown por eed een spreeng.

I attagh!!!!!


Do you onnerstan' me now?????? I as'. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

To be contd.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

My libe

The Wooman.

Ess reetorneen'...

On Sadorday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I weell ged feesh!

I weell tell hor whad I theenk.

I will sed orp a Truth an' maybe Recarnceeleeation Commeesion.

You weell be call' to testeefy.

[send frarm a hijacgged Iphone]