Sunday, August 31, 2008

Sonday, blordy Sonday

Eed started arf good: the Wooman bought deefferent meelk: no more no-fat kaka. Thees ees fullfat wholemeelk frarm Ronniebrook Farm. Hey: bot ees eet organeec???? Hold arn! No! I yos read the label. No nartheen' abou' organeec. Yos "all natural", wheech ees horsesheet. I yam so carnfuse: weell I die? More reasairch ees needed!

Then I when bag to bed. So tired.

Hey: whad do you wan'? No, seriously, I yam sleepeen'. Taghe eed oud ob my faze.

I can steell see you. See my preeckers een my paws? Watch oud, Wooman, or I geeb you fazeleeft.



I yam nard keeddeen'...


Bag a-way farm the paw. I weel maghe you cry.

What? My feed are beeg? Loogh who's talkeen'! Who yos bought two pairs Size 11 I.t.a.l.i.a.n. boods??? You coul' ski arn those theen's.

I hab beeg bones. I yam a hontair.

BTW: you bedhair taghe a lard ob moolah to Canada becos my leest ees nearlee feeneesh'. OK?




OK.

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Theenkeen'

The Wooman says she ees goeen' arn a treep. So I yam theenkeen': whad mos' she breeng back por me? I weell make a leest.

Saturday, August 23, 2008

I meessed eed!


Thees eemage corms frarm the webside ob Meess Heathair. Here eed ees een eeds oreegeenal conteghsd: and thad, my friend's ees an example ob prarper blarg Etiquedde. No steal nada frarm the blargs, OK? OK!
Mees H sent eed to the Wooman, por me. Muchas gracias! Neghs' time sen' feesh, OK?
I meessed the parade arn the 11th ob Augus'.... I was asleep. Bod I had a barbecue down the streed arn Paceefeec weeth my compadres, for a blarck pardy.
I hab nard forgarden the ole' days, leebeen' een a barx ad the bag ob the bodega. I hab leebed een Manhattan, Staten Island and Brookleen. I hab been to Miami.
I hab been aroun'. Bod there ees steel a lard to see.
The Wooman ees makheen' noises abou' leabeen me soon to beeseet the Main Man. Leabeen' me... Again. She says, Estorbito, fors' we mos' fine someone to loogh after you, feed you an' clean the leeder barx. Whad we do now thad Constanza has mobed to forgheen' North Carolina???
The Main Man says I shoul' leeb arn the roop an ead cicadas for five days. And las plantas? Who weel wader them.
You see whad I mos worree abou'. Eed ees nard a bed ob roses, my frien's.

Biker keetten

Thees peecture corms frarm the Nuevo York Times and here ees the slideshow. Mos' of the store is aboud d.a.r.g.s. bod sormetime' eben d.a.r.g.s. need help.

You can read the whole arteecle here.

Pee ess: I ade a cicada por breakfase. Whad deed you ead??

Sunday, August 17, 2008

Am I cude?


Taiwanese cads

Pleease beeseet these cads een Taiwan: Lego an' Adan. They are berbery fonny. They belarng to Michiko.

Honteen' een my terreetoree

Thees ees my terrace by day. Clottered weeth las plantas. An' small. Beryberysmall.

Bod thees ees my roop ad nighd. Weeth the WOOMAN shining brighlighd an' shoween' my prey, Hello! Blag cad ober here! Blag cad arn the loose! Ron, Ron por your libes!

Ay.

Bod my roop ees beeg an' I ron ober all the neighboureen' roops, too, honteen' por the deleecious snags.

Las' nighd I caught the bes' one: ees lighe...wasabi peas por yoomans:

A CICADA!


I toogh eed bag home por the Wooman to see an' when she hord me maghe fullmouth noise Yrrmrmrhrrmmroomh, she ron to the door an' slam eed een my faze!

The she toog a lard ob bad peectures.


Oh...an' Meestser Boosh? I hab a cicadaaa, you doan' hab a cicadaaaa! I hab a cicadaaaa, you doan' hab a cicadaaa!


You loogh lighe a cicadaa, I yam gonna cadge you! You loogh lighe a cicadaaaa! Bod yos nard so preedy, as a cicadaa, wheech ees bery gree-een, you are bery...brow-ow-n, an' I woul' nard eead you, becos you weell tasde bad, bod I'm gonna cadge you...!

OW!

The Wooman yos slabbed me.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

You call thad a weeken'?

She bought more plantas. There ees no more blordee space por me to sleeb...Thees ees a berbery boreen' plant.

I say to eed, polide: Hello?

Eed say northeen'. Yos seet there. I say, HELLO?? ESCUSE ME?? They doan' teach you no manners een the plantas sharp?

Eet seet there, green. Sheet, I say.

BUENOS DIAS! I scream, maybe eed ees deaf an' nard Anglo.

Green, quiet. Eed no say nada. So I walghe away. My morder, bless hor soul, tole' me, You can always walk away, Keetten, there ees no shame een eed.
So I go to my grass. Eed ees friendly, lighe me, and came frarm nowhere, lighe me. Also eed ees onruly.


Bod I try again, when I see the Wooman has planted the new grass een a part. Maybe eed feels more confortable...Hello?

Nard a forgheen' peep.

I say to the Wooman. Why you buy thees grass?? Eed has no manners.

Eed ees Japanese, she says, Eed no onnerstan' you.

...

Does ead lighe feesh? I as'?

Thad ees a racial stereotybe, she says.

Whad, eed no lighe to ead sushi? I as', wide-eyes.

Actuallee, cad, she say, Sushi ees fish AN' rice, sashimi ees feesh.

Whad. Ebber.

Tomorrow I weell geeb eed a sardine. We weell be frien's. An' eef we are nard, I weell keell eed.

Hey! Ees thad a peegeeon?????


Tonighd I weel station myself arn the roop to hont. Eed looghs lighe a good nighd por eed. I weell breeng the Wooman a presen'...


Friday, August 8, 2008

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

The Brorders' Borthday, contd.

Lennie arn the roop ob hees shed een Eenglan'. Roareen' to hees Wooman: why shoul' I corm dooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooown????
Becos, she said, I hab food.

Okie dokie say Lennie an' Sollie.

You wor nard keeddeen' say Sollie an' Lennie, I mean Lennie, an'...No...Sollie. Lennie?

Whad ees the occasion, they as'...You are nine, eed ees your borthday, says their Wooman.

Oh, say Lennie and Sollie, or Sollie an' Lennie, Cool. Coul' you pass the cheese?

Nard to the d.a.r.g!!!!!

The d.a.r.g has a blarg. Amazeen'. Cormeen' soon.

Gracias...

Gracias, Hen, ad Las' Nighd's Deenner!

Pose' borthday analeesees:

Three kine's yoghurt: Nomber One ees Chobani "Greek" yoghurt, made in USA. Eed ees kaka. I no ead. No eben tasde. I refuse. So the Wooman ead eed. She say eed OK.

Bod Nomber Two: Total Fage Yogurt made in GREECE: Delicioso! Muy rico. I ead eed and scrape the bardam ob the bowl an' ged my wheeskers een a mess. I led you know abou' Nomber Three tomorrow.


The bes' presen' was the new streeng weeth brown paper mouse. I keelled eed good.




Oh, also the Keeedde Leeder? Nice an' fresh an' cronchy.

Tonighd also I weell try the mango. I lorf mango.

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Ad las'!

I yam nine. I theenk. Thad means I hab no more libes, righd?

I had to waid por the Wooman to carm home from worgh for my blordee pardy.


These wor my presends:

Fresh keeddee leeder, my faboureed, Fresh Step.
New Streeng and brown paper mouse ad end.
Sardines frarm Morocco...FEESH!
Kiwi
Mango
Peach yoghurt, three kine's because she coul' nard fine' my faboureed, Breyers. She say I try today or I weell be seeck.

Fors' I had some ripe kiwi. I yam use' to habeen' thees after deenner so eed was strange as appetizer...

Then I looghed ad my yoghurt.


An' read the label arn my FEESH!

Oh. MY. Gard. Now we' talkeen'. Thad was the bes' feesh EBBER!


Then I pass' oud...

Happee, happee, borthday....

Monday, August 4, 2008

Forgheen' Blarger

I cannard orpload my peecs ob my borthday. We weell see eef it worghs manana.

Eed's our Borthday!

Eeds ees the borthday ob me Estorbo an' my brorders H-h-h-uwi and Trebor een Kalk Bay an' Lennie an' Sollie een Eenglan'. Thees ees H-h-huwi an' Trebor's pardee. Menu: Marmide, meelk, bottermeelk, abocado, parmesan, meealies (ees corn, fresh), an'....HAM!

Lader they weell make- orpchock.

The Wooman says tonighd ees my pardee.





Saturday, August 2, 2008

Smoghe alarm: the bideo

Smoghe alarm


I can smell smoghe before eed begeens. An' then I howl.

The Wooman was cookeen' por hor frien's Ereec an' Mimi por deener tonighd. She was roasteen' peppers.

Soddenly I star' to howl.

aaaaaoooaaaoooaaaaawwoooawaaaahhhwrrghaaahYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!


SMOGHE! EBERYBARDY OUD OB THE BUILDEEN' NOW!

I ron to the fron' door. Bod eed ees close'. We mos escapbhe frarm the terrace. I ron, screameen' to the Wooman to follow.
No, Estorbo, it's yos peppers, she say, an' they are nard eben smokeen'.
FIRE! I howl! Ron por your libe!
No, Storbie, there's no smoke, no fire, she say.
FIRE! FIRE! FIRE! I howl.
I yam arn the roop waideen' por hor. I yam panteen'. My paws are sweateen'...

She starts to feelm me weeth the camera!

Are you crazy, I pant! Ged your passport! Ged my Onnatracteev Grey Barx! Ged the credeet card! We mos' leab.

911! Are they here yed????

The Wooman keeps pleadeen' weeth me. Estorbo, they are going to theenk I yam abuseen' you!

You are! I scream....I weell be eenceeneraded. Or you weell be, an' then where weell I go???

Storbie, she say, loogh, I hab taken the peppers oud. They are roasted, the oben ees arf, the smoghe alarm deed nard eben peep.

Maybe eeds baddery ees flad, I pant.

No, she say, loogh, no flames.

Bod remember the time you lefd the gas arn an' when' to bed an' I howled an' sabed you?

Yes, I do, she say, an' I yam etornally gradeful, bod theese ees deefferend.

Maybe, I say: eed smells bedder. Bod I yam steell keepeen' my paws crossed.




Anorder brorder!

Thees ees weird an' deestorbeen', man, chegh eed oud. H-h-h-uwi, Trebor, Lennie an' Sollie: there ees anorder one ob os!

Cleek here.