Thursday, February 28, 2008

Eed's freezeen'!

25 forgheen' degrees fahrenheit...So I mos' stay warm. Therefore:

I hont! - ees thad a bord???



An' I make-a scratcha!


I need a warm breeck een my bed.

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

My day

The Wooman ees worgheen' all day to pu' pelleds arn the table. I yam ad home. Boreen'. No streeng. No...eereetation? Hey, ees nard so bad.



I change position an' lie een the weak weenter son. I analyse the padderns een the keeleem. Thees needs to be bacuumed, man. No! I hade the bacuum cleaner. Hm. I hade dost + I hade bacuum cleaners = ....way too carmplicaded. I geeb orp.





She retorns! RAPE! My nighd has started....

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Wide load



Estorbo, the Wooman says to me.


Si, I say.


You loogh lighe a beeg, blag torkey, she says.

Como? I ask.


A torkey. You know, lighe a beeg cheecken.

...


You do! she eenseests.

...there ees northeen' to say.

She goes arn: Yes! - eef you yos cart your head arf, and toogh away the tail, you woul' be ready to roas'.

I read your blarg, I say. I know whad you had for lonch. And whad ees more, I say, I onderstan' how you feel. You are threaten' by your appetide, whad wants to taghe control ob your life. Ebber seence your couseens een South Afreeca tole' you you coul' nard ead thad preedy cake, you hab had issues (led me nard star' arn their issues, hello?).

As' me: I know. Pellets. Dayeen. Dayoud. One smallcop. You theenk there are nard days when I doan' loog ad you and theenk, Hm...she loogh como a nice pork butt. Some sage, some lemon, slow-roas'... I coul' feet hor een the oben eef she was onconscious. Fors' I woul' have to cort hor orp een the bathtob, ob course...

Eed woul' be days before she was meessed. An' who woul' they blame? Me? I doan' THEENK so! I yam a cad! I coul' nard do thees terrible, aneemal theen' only a yooman coul'....
I weell be adopted by one of my fans. Maybe Beence weell corm and ged me. He weell be so sad, he weel taghe me to bed weeth heem ebery nighd an' stroghe my for, and I weell porr an' waid for breakfas'...

Hm. I wonder how larng one ob his legs woul' last...?

Sunday, February 24, 2008

Orly season drorgs


The wooman cot bag the cadneep today an' she says she weell plant a new variedy (escu-u-u-se me!) in the spreeng whad stays dwarf. She shoul' dab stayed dwarf. She ees too tall. She maghes my neg steeff to look orp all the time...Whadebber: I smelled the entarxicadeen' scend of....whadebber the hell thees sheet smells ob, and yomped to the roop to roll my head een the part. WHY ees eed so goo'?????


Saturday, February 23, 2008

White sheet


See the nice warm, welcormeen' weendow acrarss the way? Si? I do too.
The Wooman put me een the snow. Why? Because she thought I would loo' fonny. Eed was cole': 1-800-SPCA? Hello? My feed are forgheen' FREEZEN, man!
Bod tonigh' the moon ees full, nearly, an' I weell eenbestigade the roop. I hab nard cheghed arn my carckroach sorply por a larng time. Fors' I weell reep hor coad eento small shreds an' maghe boods. Then I weell pagh a heep flask. Where the hell ees my heep? Hm. Ees small prarblem. OK - wadebber. Rom and meelk aroun' my negh, then. An' eento the snow I go.
I need protein whad doesn't carm een a bag.

Thursday, February 21, 2008

HACKER!

Eed has corm to my attention thad my blarger accound has been HACKED by a small African cad. Cad: I yam leddeen' you stay arn my blarg only because the counteen' ees cude and the film maker captured the Wooman weeth food een hor mouth an' she looghs carmpledely reedeeculous.

Don Es.

i can count, too...



vince, i am cuter than estorbo. can he count?

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Seeng choirs ob angels!



Seeng een exultation
seeng all ye ceeteezens
ob Henry Streeeeeeeeeeeeet



GLO-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-OREEA een excelsees!




Oh carm led os adore hair


Oh CARM led os adore hair




Oh corm led os adore hair:



Breegeette Mounier!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I gard feesh I gard feesh I gard feesh I gard feesh 3 cans ob feesh een spreengwater and smoked, the Wooman could nard throw eed away, eed was all okie-dokie to ead, and I gard a plade, an' I gard a corp an' saucehair an' I gard a calendar weeth cads arn eed.....

CHREESTMAS!!!!!!!!!!!

I am so carnfuse'... Whad mornth ees eed?

Gracias gracias gracias I am leeckeen' my feed an' washeen' my faze (ees hard while typeen')

When are you mobeen' to Noo York, oh Sender Ob Feesh???


Tuesday, February 19, 2008

A messayge frarm an angry (sad?) cad

dear don es

this is me kehdi. i em a blek-footed efrican ket. do you hev vince? he left. i want him bek.

you see this house is full ov dogs. vince sed they looked like catterpillas. he's right. everyone loves the dogs, worms, whatevva. except me. selina and my mom love the dogs. the one dog visits selina and [ Ed. this part censored to protect human in question] now selina loves the dog. selina used to love me. i need to ride on shouldas. vince had nice shouldas. they were big and long and i stayed up there a long time. he luvd me. and i luvd him. then he left, why. please don es, you dont need him. send him bek. if you can't make him come bek can you send marie? she hed a nice long lep. i like leps, too.

frarm kehdi (ps i am only a small ket)



Sheet. whad do I say to thees poor cad? Eed breengs tears to my eyes. Dargs. Who needs them?

Kehdi, Beence eesn't here. He ees gardknowswhere. I weell hab my people, I mean cads, tragh the motherf [Ed. deleted to protect the cat in question] down. Bod when we fine' heem we are goeen' to hab to share, OK? Ok. And M-m-ma...M..sheet: The Wooman. You can hab hor.

Hasta luego, leedle blag fooded cad. Hang (heheheh) een there.

Sunday, February 17, 2008

Abuse ob the arteest

Eed had corm to my attention thad my image was used to prarfeet the Wooman, weethoud my permission: in early Februaree she gabe a Talk (yes, I mean, si, hilarious, I know), and the Talk concluded, and was ponctuated by, an EEMAGE (or eemages) ob me. Please see below.



Yes, I mean, si, she gard laughs. Cute, said the audience, and I say: Where are my Royalties???

[me, today, in Brookleen, weeth permission]

Also, the following words wore tybed beside me, as eef I had ottered them: "Where the hell ees she??" Como? I knew where she was. Een forgheen' South Afreeca. I was loogheen' por the squeerel. I am meesrepresented.

Does anyone know a goo' lawyer?

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Here we go...

Februaree fourteenth, two thousand eighd...she walgh through the door: whad she say? Happy Balentine's Day Estorbo, here are some candied feesh?

No!

How ' bou': Oh Estorbo! Eed ees so goo' to see you aftair two larng mornths...?

No.

Maybe: Oh, Estorbo, you loogh so byoodeefool...?

No. No, no, no.

She say:

My gard Estorbo, You are so FAD!!!!!

Eed's nice to see you, too, I say.

Meanwhile Tina, the new Wooman een my life (larng blarnde hair, blue eyes) por the las' two weeghs, ees steel packeen' hor theengs to leab. I wheesper to hor, Doan' goooooooo: staaaaaaaaaaaaay...She wheesper bag, Eed's no goo' Estorbo, we are yos nard meand to be togairther, we mos par'...

Sheet.

The (original) Wooman say to me, Estorbo: you hab a new farder.

I say, Who ees eed thees time?

Beence, she say!

Oh. I know heem. He broughd me feesh. Also I beet heem. He deed nard mine'.

OK, I say, so who geds costardy ob me when you spleet?

Estorbo! she cry, we are nard spleeteen'! Here ees my reeng. She show me. Preedy, I say. How many people died to make eed? How many han's charped arf?? Hey? hey? Hab you wadged Blord Diamon'???

Oh gard, cad. she say.

Thad's bairder, I say.

You eediot, she say, eed's an ole' reeng. 19th century.

When was thad? I as'.

Larng ago, she say. Eed ees the prardorct ob ordinary persocution, nartheen' onnusual.

Oh, thad's deefferent, I say.

Shall we star' again? she soggest.

Okie dokie, I say. When's deenner?

Monday, February 4, 2008

Soon, soon

My frien's: she weell be bag arn the fifteenth. I yam on a piraded compudair. I yam bein' wadged. I hab stories to tell.