Friday, August 31, 2007

WHO KNEW ABOU' THEES?


WHAD ees thees??? Thees. Ees. A. Sootcase.
For what?
Soots?
No. The Wooman's Clothes!!! For why? To taghe away. To leab. To habandon me. To rejecd me, forged abou' me, throw me away! She HADE me!!!!!!
Who. Knew???
WHO?
Oh.
I deed.
I forgard.
Hey! I hab ADD.
Sheet.
I mighd meess hor. She's preedy good ad cleaneen' my leeder tray the minute I eben loogh ad eed. An' I only hab to say Eeep for hor to rosh een an' say, Ees eed nard to your likeen', Estorbito? An' I loogh ad eed an' assess, an' say, No, uh-uh, ees nard quide righd, an' she shake and rake an' add some fresh till eed look like birgin beach san'.
AN' she's tagheen' the compudair...I weel hab to go to Internet cafe.
Life sorks.

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Blood theecker than... agua sin Gas???*

I doan' know. Ad fors, no madder whad H-h-huwi an' Trebor een Cape Town say, I theenk, OK, so we loogh alighe, weeth same age (geeb or taghe)...But now I see again their brorders Lennie an' Sollie een Eenglan'...You are me! I am you! Maybe eed's true! I was keednabbed frarm Eenglan' an' taghen to a bodega arn the Lower Eas' Side. Who want to pay for DNA???

Lennie - please sen' HORIZoNTAL peecture ob you. Blogger ees forghed orp an' I cannard pose' bertical peectures een sidebar. See, I pose' Sollie again.

Gracias.

Why has no one asked frarm cad een Caymans? You scared frarm Ghosd?

The tidle: ees whad Lennie say.

?Que?


Whad ees thees sheet? the Wooman puts thees ober hor when she sleeps weeth the door to the terrazza open, because whad annoys hor are the small theengs wheech fly and go eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. Now they go eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee bod they cannard go een. So they bide me. I yam scratcheen' all day.
Monday she deesappears to Afreeca. Thank Gard. She ees boreen'. Now I can ged some poossies from 1-800-Pooss-E an' we can play. They weel breen' peecneecs por me, with sardines and onpasteurize' meelk. I lighe to leeb arn the edge.
Fors' ees comeen' Constanza to feed me. Then ees comeen' Natalie. Then Constanza. Then Natalie. Then Paulito mobes een por one weegh. Esshausteen'.
I mail my brorders some drorgs, OK? Wadge oud por the sneeffer dargs.

Monday, August 27, 2007

Drorgs

My dealer gabe me some good storf...eed make-a me crazee. So I heed the wooman. No, nard como hide an' seegh; lighe, Slambamwham! Heed.

Now I yam bagh to normal. Whadebber thad ees....

Saturday, August 25, 2007

Libe arn the Terrace an' een the Mousetrab


Yeepeeee! My faboureetes: fresh leeder (I yam fasteedious) an' new pelleds!



Open the pelleds NOW!

You shoul' reeally clean thees oud, man.


Whad?


Ah, my new peds. I deescobered a stash ob snails onder the mars (feegure eed oud. Clue: flad green storf). "Run Gran'ma, run!"

Thursday, August 23, 2007

The Conteenuation ob My Heestoreec Treep to Meeami, 2001

Date: 05 April 2001

Yes, eed ees me Estorbo again. My food ees feexed frarm my shaveen’ acceedent and now I can type again, I theenk. My stupeed Meesers leave hor razor por the legs where I can get eed een the bathroom, an’ I ged eed because I hade eed an’ wan’ to keell eed, an’ I foun’ eed an’ I heed eed, an’ eed bide me bad arn the food, so blood all ober the whide tiles, an’ my Meesers ees wrappeen’ thees theen’ arou’ my food to starp the bleedeen’, an’ I yam reseesteen’ hor all the time...So ebentually she have to cut arff the stupeed bandage because I tell her eef you no cut eed arff I weel chew arff my food. So she seed weeth me opsi’ down and hold stupeed gauze arn my pad an’ eed starp bleedeen’. She feel so guilty I nearly commee' suicide thad today I get leedel piece organeec-cow meence weeth food por urinary tracd health.

I lighe meence.

So. I theenk ees one more theen’ to tell you aboud Meeami, wheech ees aboud thees restaurant called Porcau wheech ees peeg een Portuguese. Thees lady who ees PR por opera company say ees good, an’ she shou’ know ‘cos she ees Brazeelian. Ees restaurant where por flad price you ea’ an’ ea’ an’ ea’ onteel you throw orp. Ea’ meat. (Sorry por drarped consonan’ – ees influence ob Caribbean cads een Meeami…) So we go and we waid een line where ees angry man sayeen’ MY WIFE ees 9 months pregnant and we have been waiteen’ por these larng, an’ me Estorbo I yam theenkeen’ my Gard whad eef she ea’ an’ ea’ an’ ea’ an’ esplode een restaurant? She look like bomba ready to go arf...

Eenyway, these people ged our table so we waid some more an’ my meesers tell barman eef thees cad no ea’ now theen’s could get ogly. So he make me a free dreenk called mojito wheech ees white rom an’ meent an’ lime an’ sugar. Ees disgosteen’, an’ I yask por some meelk weeth rom. Moch bedder. My meesers ask por Sidecar an’ barman never hord ob eed. She tell heem how to make bod ees too sweed so she dreenk my meelk.

At las’ we ged our table an’ we ged these leedle roun’ coasters weeth picture ob green angry peeg weeth face een plade arn one si’e an’ arn the order si’e, peecture ob red, happy peeg smileen’ an’ wabeeen’ a flag. Eef we fleep coaster to red peeg eed means we Hongree an’ wan’ mead NOW, and eef we fleep to green peeg eed means Go Away an’ led os ead all thees mead.

Fors’ we check ou’ salad bar (thees beeg coltural eenstitution een America....). My Meester look bery happy an’ make plade high weeth hondered salads. My meesers look greem an’ foss abou’, an’ come away weeth endive an’ ...my Gard whad ees name ob hotel...The Estorbo, Exelsior...WHALDORF…salad an’ she save horself por mead. They order $70 boddle wine wheech ees cheapest on sheedy leest, an’ then soddenly ees arriveen’ MEAD: arn steecks held by beeg men who cart eed arff por you an’ we lorn to greep the slices weeth leedel tongues we hab an’ help to put eed arn the plade...and we steel chewing an’ ees arribeen’ more MEAD seezleen’ arn pladder, then sausages, then torkey (thees stupeedeest theen’, torkey…who ead?) weengs, then feelleet weeth bacon an’ then sirloin an’ my meesers ees geddeen’ crarss ‘cos she gard no time por chew, and then we remember:

We forged to fleep the peegs!

We hab red happy peegs! Eemediately we fleep to green angry peegs weeth faces een plades. Now we know why they so angry. Fors’ meesers then me slow down an’ feel like foie gras goose bod Meester steel happy and fleepeen’ his peeg. Waiter weeth cart go aroung meexeen’ the mojitos an’ eberyone dreenk them or ice’ tea. No wine, yessept por Pregnant Lady who no esplode yet. Then Meester give orp an’ dessort card come round an’ we scream an’ ron away. Meesers mos drive ‘cos Meester too dronk and gard the geegles. Nex’ time I wride abou’ the treep home wheech was no play’ tof cheeps I cantell you.

Does Anyardy hab a Peerameed por Me to Gard?

My Gard, bod I yam a han' some debil!

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

She Knows How to Keep a Cad Waiteen'


Meeami Treep, contd.

25 March 2001 21:22

So I ‘spose you wanna know 'boud Meeami?

Ees deeficult to know where to begeen. Eed ees berbery far away now an’ I yam a beed sad about being bageen thee Beeg Apple. Sometimes I theenk ees stupid name por thees seedy. Bod eef thees ees Beeg Apple, then Meeami ees Beeg Feesh. Ees bery good seedy por feesh.

Led me tell you, ees beeg blordee beesnees to get there when you are a cad.

You hab to travel in Onattractive Grey Plastic Barx weeth weendow eenfront.

You hab to drive een car serbice weeth Meedle Eastern driver who ees bery lade an’ no say sorree, then dribe like maneeac to get there een time.

You hab to be een queue ad airport por 40 meenutes weeth people lookeen’ ad you like you gard contagious disease (my meesers ebentually say to them, Well, I hope his rabies sharts are workeen’... Then they starp lookeen’.)

Then you ged scream’ ad by ground-attendant who say, Thees barx no feed onder seat of airplane! And my meesers bloff an’ say, My VED measured eed and eed weel feed! Then we pay at counter $75 por my teecket (beet stupid, because teecket person no see me arn floor an’ my meesers say, I hab cad...orderwise teecket person no noticean’ I fly free, bod my meesers scared from regulations).

So we go through secureety and I ged carried through beepeen’ door by security an’ I no-beep. Bod we mos’ let them look in Onattractive Grey Plastic Barx so my meesers leeft me out for a second an’ nice lady look een and I go bag eenside. Bod I theenk I could be smoggling drogs because she no look onder Turkish-cloth bought frarm bazaar een Eestanbul an’ maybe I gard sometheen’ onder there. Bod I gard nartheen’ eenyway.

Een essidement from seeing cad as hand loggage they no check the teecket from my missus an’ so she could be terroris’ too [Ed. 9/11 no happen yed]. Shee's nard. Bod no good secureety. Een Meedle Eastern car serbice I howl all way to airport an’ sweat a leedle from onder the paws, so when I yam een buildeen’ again an’ nartheen’ ees mobeen' I yam more quiet.

My meesers buy me bottle-water but I say to her HOW you theenk I can dreenk thees?? Through straw?? Bod I leeck some frarm horfeengers. I theenk she leedle afraid I pee in Onattractive Grey Barx. Whad she theenk I yam? Darg?? She also no feed me so moch breakfas’ een case I decide throw op in barx.

Een aeroplane we seed on aisle next to Asian man who read Korean newspaper - my meesers ask heem, he no afraid from trabel weeth cad next door? - he say no, he like cad. Een Meeami my meester say, perhaps he mean he theenk cad ees deleecious. My meesers say thees ees racist. So we fly an’ I howl yos’ a leedle frarm airplane noise then I shortorp an’ meesers can concentrade on being terreefied aboud flyeeng. Korean also terrified an’ together they preten’ to be asleep, bod I know they are prayeen’.

As we descend we theenk we go too fas’ an’ Korean theenk so too an’ hees hands are greepeen’ the sead, bod my meesers look relaxed even though she no starp being berbery releegious We land an’ Korean lets out all hees air an’ smiles. Meesers say thanks Gard. My Gard thees ees larng lairder.

Een airport we fine’ my Meester an’ he ees bery happy to see me and we fetch loggage an’ people look ad me like I yam bery eenteresteen’, an’ so I say nartheen’ abou’ rabies. We arrive at bery beeg, bery fancy hotel and go orp an orp een leeft to 37th Floor an’ eento apartment. Eed ees nice an’ whide an’ view ober downtown seedy an’ Bay of Biscayne an’ sweemeen’ pools an’ jacuzzis down an’down the 37 floors arn the groun’. I yam release’ arn nice cream carpet an’ meesers look in cage an’ see I no wed my pants. Why would I wed my pants?? I yam nard keetten.

I walk aroun’ a leedel lookeen’ an’ my Meester show me bran’ new cad toilet een my own bathroom, and I lie down and sharpen claws arn cream carpet een leeveen’ room. Then all hell break loose an’ they scream, ESTORBO! an’ chase me roun’ an’ roun’. They bery fonny an’ theenk I scratch all leather furniture wheech ees whide.

My meesers feed me some food wheech ees same food as een Brookleen an’ I ead an’ go an’ lie down at glass slideen’ doors to balcony. Thees blordee long story an’ ees only DayOne.

Een nex’ eenstallment we talk abou’ feesh and Cuban cats. I’ a leedle eenfluence' frarm them...they no put consonan’ ad the en’ dob words. They say they no’ go’ to pu’ co’sona’ a’ en’ ob wor’ becau’ sees too mu’cheffor’.

Monday, August 20, 2007

An' Introduceen'

El Rey Porter, Keeng ob Cayman Cads!

Nex' Eenstallmen', Meeami: hab patience, ees larng story

Sent: 08 March 2001 18:55

Deear Beeg Blue

So. Yes, I have couple theengs to say. Yesterday, I went to the new ved. The one whad we say is alcoholeec...He is yos’ 4 meenutes’ walk orp the road...in deengy arfice. Bod we go een, and ees new guy ad reception.Look like relative of charped hog ved: he also gard larng hairs wheech are grey, bod bald shinee spart arn tarp. And he wear eareen’ een one ear. He bery helpful an’ say airline no like aneemal arn plane so they make eed berbery deefeecult por aneemal. They scared frarm law suits. Thees ees America.

He take me and my Meesers to bag room and put cage arn table. In meantime I yam sayeen’ theen’s wheech are not so polide, and also I yam cold from being ou'side arn blordee Fladbush Abenue weeth the weend blowing een my face. So now I yam in smelly ved room and I no wan’ come oud ob cage. I yos’ seed and the new ved yos’ waid. Then he say, He nard so happy to be here, and my meesers say, No, he nard: he no like order wooman-ved - was bad esperience... So they waid beet longer an’ then they teep cage orpside-down bod I braise all feed an stay soccessful inside. Then ved say, He no come out, and my Meesers say, No, and she reach een and pull an’ I braise an’ she pull and finally I give orp an’ come oud looking depress’ weeth all hairs steeckeen’ orp. Also I lost my boice an’ can only say, Hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Ved poghe me eberywhere an’ say, Thees beeg cad. Blordee rarcket scienteest. Bod I’m only orpset from ved-esperience and he nard so bad...So rarcket scienteest take me and put me on scale and say, He weigh 18 lbs.. What the hell? Eef 18 lbs whad was I before?? Meesers has nogood blordee scale wheech say I hab 16 lbs. She also esplain aboud medeeceene in food an’ ved say I should have thees food every few months to avoid exrays, etc. So he clean one ear (wheech order ved say infected, and give espensive peels) an’ he do tesd een bag an’ say ees nartheen’, ees yos’ wags. So. No blordee peels. Order blordy lady ved frarm Stanford Uniberseedy blordy reepoff.

So we go back to waideen’ room an’ waid por certeeficade wheech say these aneemal ees healthy, and original charped hog ved arribe an' berbery friendly an’ say, Should we start file on thees black cad Estorbo? An’ my meesers say, Yes, an’ he say I lighe woman who make orp mind queeck. So, we have new veds. Heepees, I theenk.

Sunday, August 19, 2007

The Fors' Eenstallmen' ob My Heestorical Treep to Meeami, 2001

Date: 02 March 2001 19:06

Subject: Preparation por Meeami

ees Estorbo wrideen’. I yam nard eghcentreec. I do nard want to stay in this blordee flad all alone again...por 7 days, weeth yos the neigbour feedeen’ me...Again I weel ged fad... after losing manymany poun’s (three, I theenk). Also, I yam being weaned from my medicaded food, and my Meesers, she is worried that maybe when I ged no more medeecine in the food, I will starp peein’ again! So she wants to watch me good. Also, I theenk I weel enjoy the climate een Meeami, and een Meeami, I can talk to all the Cuban cads, and seed in the cafes and drink small corps ob carffee weeth them.

Also, my Meester requested thad I beeseet heem. He is berbery depressed and he theenks he will cheer orp when he sees me. I yam a fonny cad, sometime’...And my Meesers say, there no blordee work por hor now, and in 5 weeks, all hell break loose at garden place, so she weel not be yable to go nowhere then. So nex’ Wednesday, we go to anorder blordy ved who we theenk is alcoholeec, but he ees a man (nard the wooman whad I HADE), and he drive a charped hog (ees a Harley motorcycle), to get certeefeecate so I fly yas hand loggage, wheech say, Thees cad ees healthy and no make order blordee animals arn aeroplane seeck. My meesers say she never saw an order aneemal on plane before.

But we mos’ make like the rules say...Also we mos’ tell airline ahead of time so they no put us next to darg. Lady on phone say, What kine’ dob cad ees eed you take as hand loggage? My Meesers quiet for a beed, theenkeen’, What hell kine’ ob cad you THEENK eed is as hand loggage. Out loud she soggest...Puma? Order lady quiet. Then she say, Ma’am...deed you say puma, ma’am? Yes sirree, says my Meesers, I say I take puma to Meeami as hand loggage...what you theenk???? Housecad...housecad ees whad I take!

So. Can cads (housecads) take Rescue Remedee? I leedle afraid frarm aeroplane noise. Bod I theenk ees bairder to go than to stay all alone... Maybe I yos sleep when alone. I doan’ know. I no watch myself so moch. So I go and hope eed weel nard be a beeg flarp. Ees esperiment – practees por Afreeca maybe. You tell Meester Khamel to ged ready...Now I mos' go.

Dios Mio

I yam baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh! Madre! Whad ees wrarng weeth the Wooman, man! I habn't been able to ged close' the compudair por a weeegh! WTF??? She seets, seets, tybhes, laughs, cries. She ees seeck! She need some grass an' catneep.


So I lefd the apar'men' and hab been playeen' arn my rooftarps.

Friday nighd I sed a new recor'! Four carckaroaches!!! I ron eenside, the Wooman, say, Estorbo, whad ees een your mouth?? I say, Mhhwhahmmmmhgh (ees deefeecol' to talgh weeth legs weegleen' een your mouth).

I know whad comes nex': when I poot the carckaroach careful arn eed's bagh so eed can't ron away, to show hor whad a GOO' CAD I yam, she weell go SMACK weeth the beeg book and no more carckaroach. So I hab new plan:

I EAD HEEM!

Cronch, cronch. Deleecious. Lighe shreemp.

She nearly die. Heheheheh. She cry, Estorbo, where do you ged them?? I loogh ad hor lighe, You theenk I'm gonna tell you? Forghed eed, Seester. I hab a stash. Ees mine, all mine. Catch your own.

Thees ees Trebor. My Gard, yos loogh ad his biew, man. Thees ees een Cape Town, he tell me, een Kalk Bay...Some cads hab eed lorcky...I woul' lighe to beeseet an' catch feesh weeth you.


The bes': breakfas' time. My shartglass ob pelleds. Cronchy, deleecious, golden, dayeen, dayoud pelleds.


Yesserday was cool so I coul' seet ou'side weethoud fryeen' my brain.

I promise' H-H-Huwi an' Trebor some more heestory. They wanna know abou' the Mexican. I tole' them I doan' talkabou' eed. I carm from a broken home, man. Bod I weel sorch through my heestorical correspondance weeth Beeg Blue an' see whad I can fine'. Watch thees spaze...An' yes, I yab peecture ob Beeg Blue, bod I mos geev to my Meesers to scan. Ees old. OK?

OK.

Sunday, August 12, 2007

Saturday, August 11, 2007

My Crazee, Outdoor Libe


Whad a mess. Thees ees whad the Wooman calls gardeneen'...You see the fresh drorgs por me...? She's a dealer, man.


Can you see me now?

Pee Ess: can, sorry, May, I yos' poin' oud to you, thad arn the closterforgh, sorry, ClosterMAP, I am geddeen' more heets een GAUTENG/Johannesburg than een Cape Town? Okay? okay.

No Bowls for You!

The wooman who made my bowl por me, the one whad Ambroius send to me, has emigraded to Australia.

Wuss!

So, boys, I cannard send to you bowls weeth your names and your own mouses engrabed arn them. Although, seeieen' as eed ees a global billayge, I yab no prarblem porsooeen' the maddair.

Now I hab worgh to do: the terrazza ees a yongle, an' I mos go an' hont.

Tuesday, August 7, 2007

Chegh eed oud, man!

I yab Email: yesyesyesyesyesyes! I mean Sisisisisisisisi!

Eed's over there arn the righd onder my peec.

Now whad the forgh: When I yam addeen' peecs to the sidebar they ge' stretched oud! They use'sue be fine! Now they ged stretched. You see the peec ob me sleepeen' een the snow? Stretcha! Chrees has same prarblem arn hees blarg.

Technologia. Sometimes I yave forr for brains an' cannard theenk. I theenk I need a nab.

Goo'nighd.

Whoops, I Deed Eed Again...

How can I reseest, I as' you: how, how? Como??? I ged arn the chair, poosh Netfleex frarm the table, eed floats down sarftly, I catch eed een my paws, an'....reep. Reeeeep. REEEEEEEP!

Estorbo!!!!!

An' one minute lader I ged breakfas'.

So easy to train.

So, thees ees thees ebeneen'.

Whad are you doeen'? she asks.

Seetteen', I say.

You are arn my clean-washed crochet [que?] dress whad ees dryeen' een the warma air, ged orf!

No. I say. Eed feels goo'. I yam stayeen.

The En'.

Sunday, August 5, 2007

Eed all comes togairther...



Me. Eateen' sardines. Fors' time, ebber. An al fresco, too. Life ees goo'.

Saturday, August 4, 2007

Eed's my Pardy...

Oh my gard. A leedle golden mango frarm Chinatown, with papaya een the bag'groun'...porchase' arn the Bowery arn the way to the Brookleen Breedge.

Sonrose ad 6.48am arn our borthday.



I yam embarassed: papaya, creesp pancetta an' warm meelk por breakfas' AFTER pelleds!

My presen's: can ob tuna (Spaneesh); ball ob streen' ( Brookleen); (Greek) 100% fad "Fage" yoghurt; small golden mango (Chinatown, ex Belize) and::: sorprise!!! SARDINES!!!!


My fors sardines, ebber! Thees borthday-sheet ees fantasdeeg, man!

Borthday Peecs!

Thees ees Cothbairt. Cothbairt, you look lighe you gard cojones!


H-h-huwi an' Trebor...


Sollie an' a darg!!! My gard Sollie, you are goodlookeen' and crazee,man. You lorf a DARG? where ees Lennie?


Borthday treads frarm Afreeca! The queso especial por the Cape Town cads, the abocado whad I yab nebber ebber tasted...YOGHURT! an'...beeltarng? Eed looghs lighe rad drarpeen's. Bod whad a peecneec an' candles!

Muchas gracias my new friend an' brorders who are especiallee handsome an' large-boned. Essept maybe for H-h-huwi. Si, ob course you're handsome. Yos nard so large-boned.

My pardee? Eed has nard started yet, man. I yam waiteen' por hor to waghe orp. Maybe I assesst a leedle. I weell pose peecs.

Happy Borthday!

Friday, August 3, 2007

Eemportant Announcemen'


Tomorrow, 4 ob Augus', 2000 an' sebben, ees my BORTHDAY! I weell be eighd. I theenk. Eed ees also the borthday ob H-h-huwi-and-Louis, I mean Trebor. Thad ees why eed ees my borthday. I yam loogheen' forwar' to my Presen's!

Lennie an' Sollie. You are Jewish cads? You are, borders, too? My gard.

Pleease to send peectures to the Wooman: marieyviljoen@yahoo.com. She has eempossible name to say. Porhaps I ged por my borthday email address??? HEENT. HEENT.

The En'.

Wednesday, August 1, 2007

Gart Meelk?



Eed ees Augus' my frien's...and you know whad thad means! Eed ees my borthday. I theenk. I nebber knew my morder. Or ees thad marthair? Hanyway. H-h-h-h-uwi, eef you are awaghe, an' Trebor weeth the Tail, eef you are my brorders, when ees your borthday, please? I yab nebber had a pardy. I nebber eben gard a feesh. Bod thees Augus', I ,we , weel be torneen eighd. Ocho 8. Do you ged pardy? Maybe icecream? Por my borthday I woul' lighe: a can ob Italian tuna. A tob ob Greek 100% fad "Fage" yoghurt. One golden mango. New Streeng. A feesh. A cashmere blanket. A pelled gon. A canary. A small frien'ly poossee what can maghe massage.


GUESS whad ees onder the onaaseptablee large an' heavy boogh??