I yam baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh! Sheet. Sheetsheetsheetsheetsheet! I had to ge' thad arf my chesd. Forgh. Sheet. Hombre!
Leesten: I deed nartheen' wrarng: fors' I help hor to waghe orp (she hades to waghe orp) een the morneen' by delicadely teareen' smallpiece paper eento shreds. She cannard stand eed. Fors' I hear hor boice: Estorbo, STOPPIT!! (she gard fonny aghsent). So I'm quied por one meenute. Then slowly, I go, reeeeeeeeeeeeep weeth my teeth to maghe nice larng teareen' noise. ESTORBO!! she shoud. Heheheheh. She carm oud ob room. I ron onder table. She mobe I mobe she no catcha me. She go bagh to bed. Reep Reep. Shred. Eed worgh almose' ebery time. She crack. I ged pelleds. Delicious, cronchee, golden, dayeendayoud pelleds. The only time I do nard try thees treegh ees when eed ees steell dark ou'side. Then she ged homicidal, man. I try it once, I lose two libes.
Then one nighd I breeng hor presen'! I yam so proud. I honted arn the rooftarps, I yomp through the door an' I poot ad hor feed, orpside-down so it cannard make escape, a beeg byoodeeful carckaroach.
Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeugh, she cry. Arn the lightneen'-fas' prey whad I hab been stalkeen' por one hour, CRASH, come beeg book. Flad. Como un pancake. Yoomans. You do thees when order yooman geeb you preedy geef'? No!
Then, meedle ob week, ad nighd, she stard to make horselb all preedy, and smelly weeth the water she's sprayeen' arn horself, an' she wear EARREEN's. Bad sign. You going out? I ask, polite.
Yes, Estorbo, I'm going to a dinner party and I won't be back till late.
How lade? I ask, sweetly.
Estorbo, I don't know how late. Late.
Oh, I say. I was esspecteen' to spend some quality time togairder: I yab been home alone all day you know, waiteen' por you.
Oh Estorbo, please don't start thad again...
Hm, I say. I walk to the leeder barx and I pee. Berbery careful I pee all ober floor. I pee lighe a racehorse. Hor keys are een hor han' to go out. She see me. She say ESTORBO, what are you doing??!
Whad? I say. Oh. Oops, I meess. Accident. So sorry. She angry. Thad steenks, she says.
Yep, I say, you bairder clean eed orp or the whole house smell lighe CADS and people (like Company whad I know ees cormeen' ober tomorrow nighd) theenk you a crazy catwoman who eats catfood oud of cans and talks to horself.
She snabbed. Nex' theen' I know I come to the compudair to relade all thees theen's, an' ees PASSWOR' necessary por me to larg arn. I type hopefully, beetchfrarmhell , bod eed no work.
So. Para two days, three days? I say please, thank you, gracias, de nada, por favor, que linda, que guapa, senorita muy linda. I yam quied een the morneen, I hont no more, I take orp kneeteen', I wash the deeshes. And I won. She's ees readeen', neebleen' arn some cole' ribs she cooghed, and I said please? (smallboice) may I yab yos a leedle tase? Pleease? She crack, she geeb me smallbone to chew.
She say, I lorf you, cad.
So, to show my gratitude for the speakeen' terms I forgaird myself, retorn to my true nature an' go honteen' ou'side arn my rooftarps again. I catch hor anorder crackroach.